I'm So Stupid

I just found out Neil Diamond’s “Song Sung Blue” was not about a Korean woman he once dated.

BILL

My Days of Yore

Though a standout Northern California quarterback in high school, my glory days with the Carmel Apples were all but ruined by our outright hideous brown and green uniforms.

BILL

Conservative Love of Liberal Media

Ever notice conservative Republicans always use campaign theme songs written and performed by liberal Democrats? (Jackson Browne, Bruce Springsteen, John Mellencamp, etc.) At least until they get the cease and desist order I mean. The reason for this, of course, is the dearth of songs inspired by the flat tax.

BILL

Bully For You, Bill! Bully For You!

Yes, sadly, I knew too well the seemingly endless hurt of bullying during my formative years, often returning home from junior high in tears, my knuckles bleeding from another severe beating I inflicted upon a boy much smaller and weaker than myself.

BILL

My Days as a Sixties Fugitive

I was an expert at pipe bombs and while no one was ever harmed as a result of my handiwork, when I set one of mine off, man, there was tobacco everywhere!!!

BILL

Sunny, Oh So True, I Don't Love You

Back when I used to fall for the sucker’s bet known as relationships, I once muttered in response to my then girlfriend Zelda’s request to head to Santa Monica Pier to take in the sunset with “Seen one sunset you’ve seen them all,” a line a dear friend later deemed “the single greatest romance killer ever uttered.”

I must admit I still cringe that I actually said these words instead of the more grammatically correct “If you’ve seen one sunset you’ve seen them all.”

BILL