Top 10 Phrases Not Found in Rap Songs

In keeping with the Socratic method….

I’m open-minded enough to grant due consideration to…

Have you given any thought to…

But as a wise man once said…

Accordingly and with all due respect to the feminine half of the species…

We must be ever mindful of the fact that…

Granted, I am first and foremost the type disinclined to speak up on such matters but…

Seeing how the pen is mightier than the sword…

Discretion being the better part of valor….

While mindful that some historians might disagree with this notion…

BILL

Take That Michael Vick!

Former NFL quarterback and current San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh has not washed his pickup since March of this year because he does not want to kill the spider residing in its web in the back of the truck.

BILL

PS – Last year, Harbaugh’s Stanford team went 11-1.

Question For Our Times

If the suggestion of raising taxes on the wealthy is construed by many to be “class warfare,” wouldn’t this make taxation as an act of war?  Or would we limit that to such things as “taxation without representation?”  You know, like the unrepresented residents of the District of Columbia endure.

BILL

I'm Not Saying Writing Drives One To Drink...

… but screenwriter Aaron Sorkin’s first three acting gigs were playing a man in a bar.

BILL

Each Morning When He Awakens...

… John Travolta drops to his knees to give thanks to God and a statuette of Quentin Tarantino.  (Not in that order of course.)

BILL

Hey Wolf, Try Asking THIS Question at The Tea Party Debates

“Seeing how all of you are Christians approving of the decision to kill Osama bin Laden, would you be willing to look the American people in the eye and state that your personal Lord and Savior, i.e. the Son of God, was hopelessly naïve when it came to the ‘love your enemies’ thing and, if not, explain how assassinating someone is an expression of love?”

BILL

Hard Copies = Hard Bodies!

A year ago, I told you of my new job as a traveling salesman for hard copy encyclopedias. The job is challenging to say the least, the sheer weight of the volumes such that I am limited to lugging around no more than two volumes at a time.

BILL

The Question Must Simply Be Rephrased

I’m sure I speak for many Americans when I say that those being asked to sing “The Star Spangled Banner” at televised sporting events must simply have the question posed to them not as:

“Are you available to sing our nation anthem on (insert date and stadium here)?”

but rather:

“Before discussing dates and venues, we must ask: are you physically capable of singing the words and music to our national anthem and can we obtain a solemn promise from you that you will resist the urge to rewrite the song while performing it into something more to your liking?”

I think our problem arises simply from a poorly worded question.

BILL

My Fellow Americans

Sharing your concerns with regards to our national debt, I am calling on all of us to make September 12 a day on which all of us pray for the national debt to disappear!!

Now please don’t scoff. After all if a Presidential candidate can make such a wish with regards to the weather, I can do the same when it comes to our debt. Moreover, if you’re a believer who finds my idea laughable, then it means you believe the Almighty can create a universe but is unable to crunch a few numbers. Oh ye of little faith….

C’mon, everybody! Verily I say unto you, let’s drop to our knees, clasp our hands together and make this happen! Let’s start at a financial ground zero the day after ground zero!

BILL

Sounds Like Presidential Material To Me!

In April, Texas Governor Rick Perry called for three days of prayer in an attempt to lessen statewide drought conditions, his appeal worsening the problem by a factor of four.  Now I know some folks like to say that sometimes God answers prayers by saying “no,” however in this instance The Almighty seems to have told Perry to engage in an intimacy with a rolling donut.

BILL

PS – Bonus chuckles you ask?   While his state burns, the man who vows to make Washington as "inconsequential" to Americans' lives as possible both continues asking for federal emergency aid and maintains that his denial of the existence of global warming puts him in the company of… Galileo!  No, kids, you can’t make this stuff up…. 

"I Say This From The Bottom of My Heart"

What is it about the bottom of one’s heart that inherently imbues the words that follow with a heightened sense of sincerity? I would think the upper ventricle portion would be far more conducive to a genuine sense of forthrightness.

BILL

Jolly Ranchers and Gay Farmers

I suppose I would have infinitely more respect for those opposed to same sex marriage if they protested just as loudly whenever a 23-year old centerfold marries a drooling, catheter-hooked 95-year-old billionaire, or when a gay man enters into a passionless union with a woman, their nuptials utterly devoid of physical intimacy. Sadly, neither scenario scores even the mildest of dents in the much ballyhooed concept of “Holy matrimony.”



BILL

I've Made My Peace With Being a Nail Biter

What troubles me is that I only bite other people’s nails.

BILL

Jolly Ranchers and Gay Farmers

I suppose I would have infinitely more respect for those opposed to same sex marriage if they protested just as loudly whenever a 23-year old centerfold marries a drooling, catheter-hooked 95-year-old billionaire, or when a gay man enters into a passionless union with a woman, their nuptials utterly devoid of physical intimacy. Sadly, neither scenario scores even the mildest of dents in the much ballyhooed concept of “Holy matrimony.”

BILL