Yeah, Sure I Could Use $540,000,000

The current jackpot for California’s lottery. But there’s just something about the one in 176,000,000 odds that keeps me from buying a ticket. I don’t know. Maybe it’s me.

BILL

"R".... As In Retarded

The Motion Picture Association of America, steadfast in its rating of “R” for the film “Bully,” a documentary showing the detrimental effects of bullying upon America’s youths, gladly coughed up a PG-13 to “The Hunger Games,” a film centered upon two dozen teenagers slaughtering each other in a forest, last one standing victorious.

The MPAA, having your child’s back since… well… OK, they’ve never really had your child’s back.

BILL

Seizing The Moral Low Ground...

… director Spike Lee has tweeted the home address of George Zimmerman, the neighborhood watch volunteer who shot Florida teen Trayvon Martin, severing – evidently - any legitimate ties to righteous indignation should he ever again choose to bemoan the Southern lynch mobs from days of yore.

BILL

In Fact, He Becomes QUITE Animated!

Rumor has it actor Peter Coyote, by all accounts a crafty and oft manipulative individual, gets quite miffed whenever folks describe him as “wily.”

(bwah-bwah-bwah-bwah….)

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell

On March 11, 16 Japanese students, each a survivor of last year’s devastating tsunami, visited Dodger Stadium as part of their tour package prior to participating in the Los Angeles Marathon. Eighteen-year old Takahiro Miyagi exclaimed, “The highlight was when all 16 of us climbed into the bleachers and did the wave!”

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Shake, Rattle and Roll Out The Body Bags

The number of Haitian fatalities that occurred on January 12, 2010 due to collapsed buildings, i.e. those structures lacking preventative measures to help ensure they could withstand a severe earthquake, would have been infinitely smaller had these measures been in place. Unfortunately, such building codes – what some call “big government” - were not.

If you’re keeping score at home: 316,000 deaths.

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Alarming Trend

It seems odd to me that so many and varied thoughts intrude upon my mind whenever I hear a car alarm, least among them however being: “Hey! Someone’s trying to steal that car!”

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Death to Smoochie

Not to say I’m a lousy kisser, but I once asked my former girlfriend Zelda what thoughts came her way whenever we kissed.

“Tongue depressors,” she replied.

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Why I Hate The LA Marathon

As if things weren’t bad enough, my already battered self-esteem is handed another dire blow by way of the utter certainty that there are at least 23,000 other people in Los Angeles who are – without question - far, far tougher than me.

BILL

Infallible... by Calvin Klein

NEWS ITEM: One of the most important religious figures in the world, Pope Benedict XVI, has now joined the ranks of Sting and Madonna in receiving his own personal fragrance from an internationally recognized perfume designer.

BILL

My Capital Crime

I’m against capital punishment, except for those instances wherein a media whore reality star has something go amiss in his or her life, at which time he or she requests “privacy at this difficult and trying time.”

I deem a firing squad the only fitting response.

BILL

A Word About HBO's "Game Change"

If you’re of the mind that this is a “typical liberal Hollywood attack on conservative Republicans,” you will need to ask why is it that every single other character depicted – all of whom are (presumably) conservative Republicans - come across as intelligent, principled, good, decent and honest? McCain especially. Only former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is depicted as… well… otherwise.

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My College Daze

My roomy Stosh and I used to play squash all the time. Eventually, however, we grew tired of picking up the seeds.

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Being Fair and Balanced...

All anti-abortion laws should be deemed part of the Big Government Fetal Bailout Program.

BILL

Why I Hate Cooking Shows

Yeah, sure, who wouldn’t enjoy cooking if they had someone else do all that endless chopping of ingredients prior to their actual cooking, their stovetop greeting them with a dozen exactly-measured, food-filled Pyrex containers aligned like soldiers before battle?

The other reason is because I never cook.

BILL

I Love Irony

“Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. ... And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up.”

(Rush Limbaugh)

And were it not for the American Civil Liberties Union, Rush might well have been sent up.

Look it up…

BILL