Separated at Birth???

Each a pop musical genius who essentially took over their respective bands, I have never entirely ruled out the possibility that Fleetwood Mac’s Lindsey Buckingham and Electric Light Orchestra’s Jeff Lynne are in fact the same person. BILL

NEWS ITEM: House Finds Attorney General Holder in Contempt

Considering Congressional approval ratings hover around 15% this is sort of a compliment.

BILL

Spirits Having Flown

It’s sad to know that the band would now have to be named The Bee Gee. Moreover, their previous drum tight harmonies would be found sorely lacking.

BILL

I'm Living an Orwellian Nightmare

I lost the library’s last copy of “Nineteen Eighty-Four” and I’m positive they’re going to charge me for it.

Son-of-a…

BILL

My Movie Gripe

In the same way that a person talking in a theatre can “take you out of a movie,” so can baking soda white teeth in a period piece. Sorry, Ms. Kidman, you’re terrific in “Hemingway & Gellhorn” and I think – and hope - you’ll win the Emmy, but seeing how the film is set in the 30s and yet here you are in character conversing with actor Clive (“Hemingway”) Owen with teeth so dazzling he might well have had to sport sunglasses, you’re “taking me out of the movie.” BILL

Billie Burke

… who played Glinda, The Good Witch of The North, in The Wizard of Oz, was 55 when the film was being shot, proving my long-held theory that people named Billy B tend to be stunningly attractive well into their later years.

BILL

PS – Her middle name was – I kid you not – “William.”

Take It From Someone as Morbidly White As Myself:

These two need to get out in the sun more often. BILL

Vanity Fare Thee Well

Actress Gale Sondergaard, first considered to play The Wicked Witch of The West in “The Wizard of Oz,” refused the part because she did not want to wear makeup that would make her appear ugly.

And we all remember Gale Sondergaard….

BILL

If I Were FOX News Head Rupert Murdoch

I would not sit there day after day, week after week, seeing my hallowed principles mocked and savaged by the likes of Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, et al. No-no. What I would do is take the smallest sliver of my $8,300,000,000 and put together my own comedy show - not unlike Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” or “The Colbert Report” - and absolutely skewer the liberal elite, gutting their every belief with razor-like wit and jokes.

I’ll prove just how easy this would be. I want all of you to send me your best “clean water” joke.

BILL

I Hate Unions

But then I’ve always hated the eight-hour workday, pensions, vacations, sick time, overtime pay, health benefits, worker safety and ingrates who write whiny ditties about the company store. Losers…

BILL

We Love The Troops!!!

Just not enough to hire them upon their return from war, the unemployment numbers for veterans far surpassing civilians.

Well, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!!

BILL

Pro Rifle

I’m wondering how members of the NRA would react if informed that, prior to purchasing either firearms or ammunition, they would be forced by law to watch a documentary on gun violence in America, the blood-soaked images presented in an attempt to urge them into perhaps reconsidering.

I’m sure we can all agree that – how shall I say this – it would not go over well, their spit-soaked rage fueled by their constitutional right to bear arms per the Second Amendment.

This being so, I’m assuming we can henceforth count on the NRA to stand in foursquare allegiance with pro-choice women in the event another attempt at legislation - such as the recent tawdry proposal by Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell - comes ‘round the bend, Roe v. Wade having been settled law for lo these many decades.

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell

I just learned that recently passed Donna Summer succumbed to cancer. Seeing how she once sang: “Turn up the old Victrola, gonna dance the night away,” I just assumed she died of old age.


BILL

The Number Is 36. What is The Question?

The percentage of Americans who are obese. (Not overweight. Obese!) Well, all I’ve got to say about that is:

USA!! USA!! USA!!! USA!!!

BILL