Help! I Need Some Earplugs! Help! Not Just Any Earplugs!

It’s a little known fact that, upon hearing the Yoko Ono sung portions of his 1980 “Double Fantasy” album, former Beatle John Lennon uttered: “Just shoot me.”

BILL

Prison Break You Say??? Sheet!!!

During my days at Folsom, my cellmate Biff managed to pry open the window bars, allowing us sufficient space to squeeze out of our cells, freedom a mere thirty feet down. “Now all we need are some sheets,” he said.

“How many will we need?” I asked.

“I figure four at least.”

“God, you’re stupid,” I replied. “That’s not gonna be enough padding for us to jump onto.”

BILL

What Can I Say? We Were a Bunch of Saps...

Circa 1973, I, my brother and pals made our own maple syrup, huffing it through the north woods snow to poke trees, then checking and rechecking the slowly filling “buckets” positioned just below each “spigot,” then spending endless hours boiling down the sap, all the while regaling each other with naughty jokes around the nighttime camp fire in the backyard.

Alas, when we finally got around to pouring - what had tasted so delicious at the end of our dipped fingers - over pancakes at home, we all went: “This sucks! Give me the Aunt Jemimah.”

BILL

K9 Tales From The Harvard Yard

It is, indeed, a fact that actor Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were roommates at Harvard. Lesser known is that the future Senator once lost Tommy’s beloved dog, Scamp, when taking the poodle out for a walk. Upon hearing this news, a desperate Tommy gathered up as many dorm pals as he could and uttered the following:

“Alright, listen up, people. My dog has been on the run for thirty minutes. Average paw speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of two miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and – most especially - doghouse in that area. My dog’s name is Scamp. Go get him!”

BILL

Feel Free to Mark Twain As SECOND Prettiest

Unless I am mistaken, this marks the first time in history that Shania Twain is the second most beautiful face in a photograph. BILL

Scattershot Logic

While deeply disturbed over last week’s Sandy Hook massacre, I nonetheless refuse to give up my cache of semi-automatic weapons and thirty-plus round magazine clips in the event my militia mates and I must take up arms against the rattlesnake ways of big government. Vigilance trumps a twenty-plus pile of six-year olds.

(Oh! And Obama is a Muslim.)

BILL

Top Ten Liberal Democrat Killing Rampages:

#10
#9
#8
#7
#6
#5
#4
#3
#2
#1

BILL

"Uncle Clyde": A Childhood Memory

A memorable moment from my childhood was that of an obscure relative showing up at our home unannounced late one night, sweaty, panting and hungry as a wolf. Dad – ever solicitous - gave the heavily tattooed fellow a hot meal and forty-three bucks straight from his wallet before hustling him out the door, informing me later that our hurried visitor was, in fact, a doctor. This I had already gathered, having spotted the prominent “DOC” emblazoned across the back of “Uncle Clyde’s” orange jumpsuit.

BILL

Now Airing on Lifetime:

Life of Pie: The Marie Callender Story.

BILL

Milk and Twinkies

Just think: If Hostess had gone under in 1978, San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk might still be alive. (Not!!)

BILL

PS – If you don’t get this, you really need to read a little more often.

Monkey Business

To me the most surprising aspect of a recent Stanford study was not the lab’s discovery that rhesus monkeys much preferred Danish butter-sugar cookies over cocaine, but that whenever deprived of them for an inordinate amount of time, the monkeys invariably started yelling: “Goddam it, what the fuck is going on here?! Give us more cookies!!!”

BILL

I'm As Pro-Police As The Next Guy

But having read a major metropolitan newspaper for thirty years, I have to say: Cops sure are fond of the “He was grabbing for his waistband” defense.

BILL

Top 8 Signs Your Child is Cheating (Web Article)

1. Stressed out about school.

2. Doesn't test well.

3. Fears failing you.

4. School a pressure cooker.

5. Has too much on plate.

6. Complains about unfair teachers.

7. Grades all over the place.

8. Smartphone is practically an appendage.

Now when I read this I was positive the number one clue was going to be: “You know your boy is an idiot but he keeps getting A’s.”)

BILL

"You have a real exotic look about you," she said.

I replied with a coy yet confident smile.

“Well, not exotic in as much as a bit strange,” she continued.

She paused once again, before uttering her humbling finale: “I guess what I’m trying to say is: you’re weird looking.”

BILL