Will Reese Weather The Storm?

Just prior to her recent arrest for disorderly conduct, actress Reese Witherspoon verbally took on the arresting officer with the rather predictable: “Do you know my name!?” Wouldn’t it have been cool if he had responded: “Yeah. You’re someone paid millions to dress up and play make believe, but I fail to see the relevance.”

BILL

I'm a Football Genius, Years Ahead of My Time

Not only, as I have informed you before, did I invent the West Coast offense forty years ago, a scheme built around short, sustained passes in order to march downfield in a more controlled manner – an idea later attributed to alleged gridiron “genius” Bill Walsh - but I have been venting for well over a decade that offensive tackles should rank much higher in the draft, the position being critical in preventing blindside hits to a drop back quarterback.

Fact: three of this year’s top four draft picks are offensive tackles! And the number one pick overall? The NFL, evidently having heard that yours truly went to Central Michigan University, clearly assumed that only the best play there. Yes, the highest pick in the overall draft – indeed, an offensive tackle - attended good old CMU! Chip-oo-ah!!!

BILL

The Diarrhea of Justin Bieber

Pop star Justin Bieber wrote the following in the guestbook after his recent visit to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." (sic)

Now I’m not saying he’s a terrible person by any means, but his ego has evidently blinded him to the fact that young Anne remains so far above him on any plane worthy of consideration, that it renders it impossible – even within his silly hypothetical - for someone as exalted and sublime as her to ever look “up” to someone as vacuous and historically insignificant as Justin Bieber.

BILL

Riddle Me This, Blastman:

What were Adam Lanza and James Holmes prior to Lanza creating a twenty deep pile of bullet-ridden six-year olds (and six of the adult variety) while Holmes – not to be outdone – killed a dozen moviegoers, while injuring 58 others?

Answer: “law-abiding citizens.”

And isn’t this the fallacy of the gun lobby argument, i.e. that gun control laws will only rein in “law-abiding citizens?”

There is also – as others point out - the intellectually feeble assertion that, since criminals won’t obey these laws, then why enact them? The logical extension to this of course is: then why have any laws at all?

BILL

You Make Your Hospital Bed; You Sleep In It

While I will always be 100% opposed to torture – whoops! faux pas on my part; I meant “enhanced interrogation techniques” – I’d be lying if I didn’t say the thought did occur to me that perhaps we might want to skip the pain meds for the Boston bombing suspect.

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell

You know who I really feel sorry for? Those who ran 25.99 miles of the Boston Marathon only to be told they had to turn back.

BILL

I Didn't Like Monday

What we should call the suspected Boston Marathon bombers: The Boomtown Rats.

BILL

I've Gone a Little Waco

When a fertilizer plant explodes in Texas, whether we like it or not, it truly is fertile ground – see? I just proved my own point - for humor. (OK, bad puns then.) But in light of the stink that arose - whoops! I did it again – after Tuesday’s Boston Marathon email, wherein I suggested that any post-explosion prayers of solace and comfort countermand the rather unsubtle message of wanton destruction that had been allowed from on high to occur moments earlier, well, let’s just say: lesson learned!

So with regards to Waco, let me to be the first to declare: God be praised!

Can I get an “Amen?”

BILL

Obama: ‘Evil’ Boston bombings were act of terror

Thanks, Mr. President. I wasn’t quite sure what was happening there. Thanks for clearing that up.

BILL

Boston Baked Paens

I can’t help but shake my head in astonishment at talk of prayers in the wake of yesterday’s Boston Marathon bombing, it being abundantly clear that the god to whom one would pray has quite clearly already ruled on the matter and, purportedly omniscient and all powerful, merely sat back to watch the bombs explode and the body parts fly.

BILL

When in Rome...

… do as the Romanians (as my father used to say). My trip to Maryland this weekend was fabulous! As usual I got crabs.

BILL

Let's Admit It:

If there’s more than a grain of truth to the adage that those who go to NASCAR events go simply to see the crashes, then there exists within the cosmos a certain dark, karmic harmony that kicks in whenever crash debris flies over the safety fences and into the crowd, killing spectators.

BILL

"Go With The Flo"

That’s what the gals all tell me, Flo (of Progressive Insurance) and I having been an item for years now. But when I was interviewed by Lara Spencer on Good Morning America the other day about my being the only person in America without a cell phone, well, let’s just say sparks were flying. And neither of us was standing anywhere near a light socket. Man, was Flo ticked! Two nights ago I was on the couch, but now I’m back in bed. Now that’s progressive! BILL

I Have a Friend Named Earl Grey

Not surprisingly, he’s a member of the Tea Party.

BILL

My Favorite Question For 9/11 Conspiracy Buffs

What message was not clearly conveyed by destroying The World Trade Center such that it warranted the additional destruction of Building 7, i.e. do you think the conspirators actually felt that the collapse of the twin towers was simply too subtle and needed a little extra oomph?

BILL

Maximum Bill

If I ran a prison, I would personally take a Death Row prisoner’s 11:00 pm meal request, noting his desire for barbequed ribs, mac and cheese, chocolate malt, etc. Then, one hour prior to his execution, I would raise the silver platter, displaying for him his final meal of steamed Brussells sprouts, no butter. Then – granted from the safety of the other side of the bars – I would place my thumbs to my ears and wiggle my fingers, rocking my head to and fro while uttering in a sing-song manner: “You shouldn’t have killed that family. You shouldn’t have killed that family…”

BILL

PS – OK, I’m actually against the death penalty; I just think this is funny…

There's a Reason They Call Them "Throwback" Uniforms

Nine times out of ten they’re so hideous they should be thrown back.

BILL