Not an OK City

Milton Bradley’s board game Twister – unlike much of last Monday’s debris – is not exactly flying off shelves in this town of late.

BILL

Pro-Life of O'Reilly

While watching Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly attempting to browbeat a pro-choice advocate into stating that a fetus is “nothing more than an unborn baby,” I would have given anything to see her concede that point only on the condition that he himself admit that he is “nothing more than the walking undead.”

BILL

Actor/musician Kris Kristofferson:

Played college rugby, track and field and football, earned a Rhodes Scholarship, won awards as a boxer, earned the rank of Captain in the US Army, completed Ranger school and flew helicopters. He turned down an opportunity to teach English Literature at West Point to chase his dream of becoming a songwriter by sweeping floors at a Nashville music studio, a decision for which his family disowned him, never reconciling with him.

I, on the other hand, quit Boy Scouts because I didn’t want to learn to tie all those damn knots.

BILL

Tornados Blow

Sorry, but I believe the urgent warnings stemming from scientific data gleaned minutes before the Moore, Oklahoma tornado amounted to nothing more than “scare tactics,” in the end your typical lab coat fear-inducing blather. Try again, four eyes. Oh, and keep your climate change crap to yourself.

BILL

I'm Joining The Blue Man Group!!

(Whoops! Typo.) I’m joining a club for morose middle-agers called “Man, we’re a blue group.”

BILL

A Page From The Pat Robertson Playbook:

I think God is punishing Oklahoma with tornados for consistently voting red. BILL

This Is The End…

If The Doors were a car, they went from a four-door at one time to, sadly, a two-door yesterday. Rest in peace, Ray Manzarek. BILL

Liberal Media's True Colors EXPOSED!!!

As I suspected all along, the alleged “lapdog” of the Obama Administration is, in fact, doing all it can to derail it, what with its extensive coverage of the Benghazi attack, the IRS scandal, and the Justice Department seizure of Associated Press phone records. I had my suspicions from the get go, of course, when, mere days before the 2008 election, the “liberal” media trumpeted the whole Reverend Wright non-issue in a shameless attempt to hand the presidency over to John McCain. Now, however, all doubt has been erased. This being so, what say we finally lay to rest this grossly inaccurate canard?

BILL

I Would Make an Excellent Judge!

Having spent years on the bench during high school sports.

BILL

If Time Travel Were Possible...

… and knowing what you know now you could go back in time and kill anyone and get away with it, as much as I might want to end the life of a Hitler or Stalin, I have to admit I would be sorely tempted to take out the one person who most encouraged Bob Dylan in his singing.

BILL

A Fact, So Don't Mess With Me:

I have never lost a bar fight.

BILL

Try This Some Time:

Next time someone says to you: “You think you’re so smart,” say to them: “Actually, I’m of average intelligence. It’s just that that when compared to you, yes, I do come off as nothing short of a genius.”

BILL

Tall Tales of Baseball Lore

My skills as a shortstop during my youth were so renowned that, whenever I ensnared an otherwise unwieldy grounder and tossed out the runner at first, the fans would serenade me on my trot back to the dugout with: “This is no orrrrrrrrrdinary glove, no orrrrrdinary glove.”

Soon however I would be jolted awake by the infernal din of the morning alarm.

BILL

Cc: Sade

Alien Encounters

Last night I dreamt I was a character in a Ridley Scott film, namely the resident buffoon cracking jokes and keeping everyone laughing. When I let fly the punch line to one whopper of a joke, everyone listening simply burst out of the chest of the person standing next to them.

BILL

The Abysmal Depths of My Catholic Guilt

I could never in good conscience order dessert on the company dole during a meal for which I could otherwise justifiably charge them.

BILL

I Just Flew in From New York

And, boy, are my arms tired! This obnoxious kid just wouldn’t shut up on the plane so I kept smacking him. Left, then right. Left, then right! “Shut up, ya little brat!” Nothing worked despite my exhaustive efforts. Oh well…

BILL

GL Accounts

Private Ledger was mortified upon being drafted, knowing fully well as he did that – even if he succeeded in the military beyond his wildest dreams – attaining the rank of General would only result in endless derision and titters behind his back.

BILL