In Hopes of a Decent National Anthem This Super Bowl Sunday

Ones own "spin" on our national anthem has been done only once without inciting a near seismic reaction of the gnashing of my teeth. And that was by Marvin Gaye at the Los Angeles Forum on February 13, 1983 before the NBA All-Star game.

I hope this link works as planned....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRvVzaQ6i8A


BILL

On Twitter at @BillBekkala

My Shanghai Surprise

On a recent trip to China I found myself in my hotel room watching reruns of Batman. Every time the Caped Crusader punched The Joker a graphic flashed across the screen reading: “Kung PAO!!!”

BILL

It's Now Official!!

A team of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons has confirmed that actress Mary Steenburgen and I are the only two people on the face of the earth who are getting better looking with age.

BILL

What Can I Say? Even In My Dreams I'm a Smart Ass

So last night I’m dreaming away and I find myself next to a young lady who is about to sing the National Anthem at an NFL game. Perhaps the upcoming Super Bowl? Who knows. I say to her: “Try to remember the lyrics. And the melody. Which together comprise the actual song.”

BILL

Why I'm Rooting for Bruce Dern To Win The Oscar

(WARNING: 42 Year Old Plot Spoiler Ahead)

Before filming the scene in the “The Cowboys,” where Dern shoots John Wayne in the back, killing him, “The Duke” said to the young actor: “You know, they’re gonna hate you for this,” to which Dern replied: “Yeah, but at Berkeley I’ll be a fucking hero.”

BILL

Talk About Packers

While bragging in an email that my Dad once endured the fifteen below weather of The Ice Bowl, the December 31, 1967 Championship game played at frozen Lambeau Field between the Green Bay Packers and the Dallas Cowboys, I later realized that I had mistyped the text, unwittingly informing a wide audience that my father had once endured the “ice bowel.”

Certainly a painful memory, and one that would most assuredly trump in discomfort the mere chill of an outdoor sporting event.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Chiwetel Ejiofor

Guess the number of times people have asked the star of “12 Years a Slave” how his name is pronounced.

Oh! And I have dibs on “millions and millions.”

BILL

PS: On Twitter: @BillBekkala (There goes my Supreme Court seat…) Hey! And what say we plug my novel "City of Seven Rivers"again so that – as per usual – people say how can someone that funny and that good looking write that well?

http://www.cityofsevenrivers.com/

Wright On!!!

The War Department showed no interest in the Wright Brothers’ airplane. Orville Wright tried hard to change their mind. He droned on and on. Droning. Drone, drone, drone.

Seems he finally convinced them.

BILL

Try This Some Time

When somebody mentions 9/11, say: “My neighbor died on 9/11.” When they respond, “Jeez, I’m sorry,” say: “That’s OK. Jerk never did return my box cutters.”

BILL

They Hate Us For Our Freedom Industries

The tap water of nine counties in West Virginia is undrinkable due to the coal-washing chemicals which recently seeped into the Elk River from unregulated storage tanks. Were public safety regulations – what Phil Rubertson of “Duck Dynasty” would probably call “big government” – mandating recurring inspections in place this would, in all likelihood, not have occurred.

So take a good swig of freedom folks, compliments of, yes, Freedom Industries, the company to blame for all this.

BILL

Myth Busting 101: "The Consitution is Not a Suicide Pact"

This argument is made by many in support of things like torture – whoops! pardon my faux pas – I meant “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

First of all, to be against torture is not to believe in suicide. I have no such desires to kill myself, nor do I know anyone remotely suicidal.

Nor is being against torture or illegal wiretapping, etc. equivalent to certain death at the hands of terrorist.

So pull another arrow from your quiver, pal, ‘cause that one’s broken.

BILL

I Can No Longer In Good Conscience Say I'm Wearing 25% of My Footwear

I am wearing 33%.

BILL

Now THERE'S Money Down The Drain!

Sure, I clip coupons and was doing so the other day when I saw one for a dollar off on two Lysol toilet bowl cleaners.

Like I’ll ever live that long, I thought.

BILL

PS I'm on Twitter at (no big shock here): @BillBekkala

What a Weird Date Last Night

For some reason, she liked to yell out her favorite color during the climactic throes of sexual abandon. I, of course, screamed out: “Scarlet! Scarlet! Oh, Scarlet!!”

BILL

Of Segway Human Transporters

I always thought the slogan for this company should be: “When Walking Becomes a Burden.”

Actually, whenever I see people riding these I say to them: “You must get so jealous of people in wheelchairs. I mean, they can at least sit!”

BILL

I Once Auditioned To Be a Harlem Globetrotter

I suppose it goes without saying that I failed the audition, for many reasons, but – in point of fact – the audition tape itself, I can assure you, is funnier than anything the Globetrotters ever did on the hardwood.

BILL

Which Phrase Leaps Out When You Think of The Word: Toronto ???

A Maple Leafs
B Blue Jays
C 's Crack Smoking Mayor

BILL

It's True! "Third Time's The Charm

And I must say: I’m enjoying this divorce much more than the previous two.

BILL

Wake Up Little Phillie

Despite the passage of the years, my favorite recording act remains The Everly Brother.

BILL

Sundance's Film Fast Failed

With a box office return of only $5.9 million, who would have thought the title to Robert Redford’s “All Is Lost” referred to its budget?

BILL

Look For Me At This Year's Super Bowl!

In the end zone seats during field goals holding a sign reading: “John: U O Me $316.”

BILL

I've Been Told By Many That I'm a Moden Day Ben Franklin

We’re both funny, overweight, horny and have first names that start with the letter “B.”

BILL