Things You Can Learn Watching The Daily Show:

Georgia has signed into law that you can essentially bring a gun anywhere (churches, restaurants, airports, bars, etc.), everywhere that is accept the state capital building.

Insert your own punch line.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Items Able To Be Snuck Into The Gulag

With Obamacare signups now numbering eight million, I think we can all appreciate the slippery slope upon which we are descending, i.e. the inevitable day of our internment within a socialist gulag. This being so, I have compiled a list of household items I believe can be successfully hidden up one’s rectum without fence-line guard discovery come the arrival of that dreaded day:

Matches
Thimbles
Rings (no diamonds please)
Binder Clips
Crayons
Small compasses
White Out
Jimmy Dean sausage

I am pleased to report that I personally succeeded in lodging each of the above for a 24-hour duration with little or no discomfort or trouble in passing. (Not all at once of course. Heh-heh…)

Just trying to help.

BILL (On vacation till 5/12/14...)

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Exchange I'd like to see in a movie:

GAL: That was sarcasm, right?

GUY: No, that was sarcasm light.

GAL: OK, now that was definitely sarcasm, right?

GUY: Yes. That was most definitely sarcasm.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Proper Texting Etiquette

When out socializing with friends, should you find yourself being interrupted by a friend giving voice to some banal thought while you are texting another friend, you should immediately inform them to, well… “shut the f*** up,” a message best delivered via text of course.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Race To The Bottom

Despite allllllllllllll those folks claiming racism is no longer a viable concern in today’s America, FOX News realized soon enough that a sizable share of its own audience was sufficiently racist – evidenced by the frequent shamelessly racist comments posted - that it shut down its own comment section!

Like they say in the ads: “Priceless…”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Heaven Is For Reel

(Per Wikipedia) “In the book, Christian pastor Todd Burpo writes that during the months after his emergency surgery in 2003, his son Colton began describing events and people that seemed impossible for him to have seen or met. Examples include his miscarried sister, whom no one had told him about, and his great grandfather who died 30 years before Colton was born. Colton also claimed that he personally met Jesus riding a rainbow-colored horse and sat in Jesus' lap, while the angels sang songs to him. He also says he saw Mary kneeling before the throne of God and at other times standing beside Jesus.”



-.-.-.-.

OK, let’s say, for the sake of argument, all of this is true. How does young Colton know that the woman he saw is Mary and might not be Mary’s neighbor, Gladys? “Oh, Bill! Don’t be silly!” OK, then, try this: go up separately to six deeply religious Christians and ask them to provide you an exact physical description of Mary. If I’m placing bets, I’ll bet none of the six will match. Which of course brings us back to Gladys….

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Stiffing Me Powers

When I fell asleep with the TV on the other night “The Avengers” was on, specifically a scene with Scarlett Johansson, which I guess explains why I awakened with the series “Hart to Hart” on.

BILL

Hey Kids! Put This On YOUR Bucket List!

Highway 1 along the coast of California, a stunningly beautiful drive that winds its way along over so much of the road itself that you’ll soon find yourself vomiting into a bucket.

BILL

TWitter: @BillBekkala

Scarlett Johansson Quote:

“It’s nice to be glamorous, but I don’t want to always have to be trendy and glamorous and an object of desire,” she said, “I don’t want to be stuck in that forever. Because it doesn’t last.”

Here’s a thought, dear: Stop posing for every other magazine I see on store shelves. I realize it’s a crazy notion, but it might just work.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Try This Some Time:

Next time you see a serviceman or servicewoman dressed in his or her US Army camouflage, say: “Man, your camo sucks! I can see you so easily!”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Try This Some Time:

Whenever I’m asked: “Say, do you have kids?” I reply, “Yeah, but they’re both in prison.” Then I say: “Nahh, I’m just kidding; I don’t have any kids. But if I did I’m pretty sure they’d be in prison.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Paid Time Off Policy

I once came in to work, forgetting it was a vacation day. Which is weird because, at a previous place of employment, I kept not showing up for work and whenever they’d call to ask I where I was I’d say “I thought it was a vacation day!”

I did this for a week and a half straight before they finally caught on and fired me.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Real Housewives of (Wherever...)

No, I don’t watch such fare, but whenever I land on it while channel surfing, nine times out of ten these folks are screaming at each other and all I can think is: “These are your friends??”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Ten Most Miserable US Cities - Not States This Time, But CITIES - in Which To Live

NEWS ITEM: Per a recent poll of the actual residents themselves, nine of the ten are in “red” states.

EDITORIAL: Huh! Go figure.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Try This At Work Some Time:

Walk by a random coworker and say in a loud voice as you pass by: “Good God, man! That’s your third martini so far!”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

This Date in History

Forty years ago, Hammerin’ Hank Aaron broke the Babe’s home run record.

And just how hard is hitting a baseball thrown by a major league pitcher? If you fail 70% of the time you will likely end up in the Hall of Fame.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Rock Hounds: A Childhood Memory

I fondly recall the day when, while rock hunting, I came across a sizable chunk of iron pyrite. “Look!” I exclaimed to my brother Smedley. “I found fool’s gold.”

“Any gold you find is a fool’s gold,” he replied.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

A Half-Baked / Half-Mast Idea

After another mass shooting at Fort Hood, Texas, Governor Rick Perry ordered flags to be set at half-mast. Great, Governor, thanks. That helps a lot. But can I give you a little political advice? Why don’t you just leave them there? We are talking Texas, after all. And it’s like a whole ‘nother country!

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

When I Breathe My Last Breath...

… I’m going to try really, really hard to gasp out: “Adolf Hitler! What are you doing here?” just so everyone thinks I’ve crossed over into the gates of Hell.

BILL

And Here I Thought I Was Actually Funny

People always told me that I’d get belly laughs for sure. It just dawned on me that they were laughing at my belly.

BILL

Try This Some Time:

Stand on a random street corner and hand out “Fair Play for Cuba Committee” leaflets. You should see the reactions I get!

BILL