Try This Some Time

The next time someone utters the term “humanism” or “humanistic,” intending such in a disparaging light, ask them: “Why are you so ashamed of being human?”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

(Off for ten days. Battery recharging. See ya!)

FOX News' Elizabeth Hasselbeck is "Crowing" About Bringing Back The Poll Test

While you can look this up on your own, I was unable to read the article in further detail as I was too busy counting the number of bubbles on a bar of soap.

BILL

The Day Before Mount St. Helens Erupted Back in 1980...

… my cousin Leroy refused to evacuate his Washington state cabin, labeling the scientists warning that the volcano could blow at any minute “alarmists.”

You’ll notice I don’t mention cousin Leroy all that much.

BILL

Something Not So Wicked This Way Comes

When I read the novel “Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West,” I didn’t really like it. I kept thinking: “She’s not wicked.” Another few chapters later. “Still not wicked.” A few more chapters and I started sounding like George Costanza from Seinfeld: “Can we get some wicked over here? Waiting on wicked! Need some wicked here!” Alas, it never happened. Interpret as you will.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Brother Smedley Has Named His Dog After Me!

A Labrador retriever with boundless energy, little Shithead is tearing up the place I’m told.

BILL

Quote from GOP Senator Lindsey Graham re ISIS:

“This president needs to rise to the occasion before we ALL get killed back here at home.” That’s right, a ragtag group of deeply religious head slicers are going to invade and defeat the world’s most powerful military.

Meanwhile back on planet Earth…

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

If I Ran An Oil Company

And someone came to me suggesting I should use some of my profits to seek alternative energy sources, I would say to them:

“I run an oil company.”

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

I Took The Ice Bucket Challenge!!

OK, maybe not the ice bucket, but the water was icy. Or at least cold anyway. At least when it first came on. Could have been lukewarm; I’m not altogether sure, as I was pretty sleepy.

OK, I showered this morning.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Kira Kazantsev

OK, rubes, here’s your chance to once again claim “I want my country back!” in the wake of Miss America having both parents from, that’s right, Russia! Have at it.

(Oh wait, sorry. She’s the right color. My mistake.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Back When I Lived in Tornado Alley

Whenever tornado warnings came in, I of course ignored them, deeming the folks who filed such reports “alarmists.” Up until the day a 2x4 slammed into my head at 150 mph during a tornado. (This also explains to some extent why I am such an odd duck.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

I'm Dating Scarlett Johansson

But I’m pretty sure she’s seen at least one episode of M*A*S*H.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Hahahaha! Keepin' It Real! You Go, FOX News!!

NEWS ITEM LOS ANGELES (AP) — Banter by two Fox News Channel hosts about video showing football player Ray Rice hitting his future wife has come under fire.
The "Fox & Friends" hosts, Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy, made their on-air comments Monday while discussing newly released video showing Rice hitting Janay Palmer in an elevator in February.

Kilmeade said that the lesson to be learned was, in his words, "take the stairs."

Doocy responded that the message is to remember that elevators include cameras.



EDITORIAL: Few things put a broad, belly-tickling smile on my face like two male anchors coming to the chuckling defense of a wife beater. Where else can you find this type of fair and balanced coverage but FOX news?

Twitter: @BillBekkala

What's The Difference Between The NFL's Jerry Rice and Ray Rice?

One was a wide receiver who beat defenders to the punch. The other has no defense for beating his future wife with a punch.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Live and Learn: A Childhood Memory (Holy Cow, I Think He's Serious!)

When I lost the Pinewood Derby during Cub Scouts, I pouted away like the ten-year-old child I was, throwing out my “losing” model car, which broke off one of the wheels. Later – cue my Catholic guilt - remembering the time and effort my Dad and I put into making it, I pulled it from the trash. Nearly half a century later, this broken model car now rests upon my dresser at home, serving as my daily reminder that, in life, you don’t always get what you want.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

A Man Too Dumb To See The Irony

NEWS ITEM: Dumb Dynasty star Phil Rubertson on ISIS: 'Convert them or kill them.”

EDITORIAL: Oh, well. At least they’re on the same page.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Call Me Crazy But...

I don’t think it necessarily makes me a bad person just because I like to visit assisted living facilities and pull the fire alarms.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

I'm Shocked! SHOCKED I Tell You!

With California’s recent increase in “personal belief exemptions,” i.e. parents who do not “believe” in the societal health benefits of child vaccinations and who thus request that their child not be vaccinated, scientists – “alarmists” as I like to call them - are now reporting a resurgence of measles across the state, as well as the possibility of outbreaks of other serious diseases.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Granted I'm Agnostic...

… but I must admit my heart is warmed by the notion that, when I finally cross over to the other side, I shall be greeted by deceased relatives. Many of them owe me money.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala