There Indeed Exists a Gonzaga University

And wouldn’t it be so cool if they were nicknamed the Garbanzo Beans? “And here they come onto the field, the Gonzaga Garbanzos!!!” (For what it’s worth, the University of California at Santa Cruz is nicknamed the Banana Slugs.)

BILL

My Fun Drinking Game

Down a shot every time Donald Trump says or tweets something ridiculous. I usually pass out after an hour.

BILL

I'm Set to Star in Sequel To "Big Eyes"

Look for “Big Mouth” to open in theatres next summer.

BILL

Why I Never Order Lobster

I’m sorry, I like to eat my food, not operate on it. I have, however, had crabs several times.

BILL

Waitress says to me "And how are you doing here?"

“Well, my wife left me, someone stole my car, my dog died and I don’t have enough money to cover this meal. And you?”

BILL

How Much Do I Love to Eat?

All my life I’ve wished someone would throw a pie* in my face.

BILL

*preferably banana cream

Whenever I'm Asked If I Can Stand On My Head...

… I reply: “Hell, I could do that standing on my head.”

BILL

"The Imitation Game" is quite impressive and, much like Smuckers...

… with a name like Benedict Cumberbatch, he’s got to be good.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Wisemen Cometh

I played one of the three wise men in the nativity scene in our Sunday school play, enduring taunts of “Hey, look. Two wise men!”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

You Know If These Street Protests Go On Much Longer

I really can see cops nationwide more or less saying, “You know, it’s pretty obvious by now you don’t like us. What do you say we all take the day off, say, next Tuesday? Maybe we can change your mind.”

BILL

Bet The Farm On This One

Anytime someone being interviewed is asked a question, then avoids the question and when told he is avoiding the question responds “I’ll answer the question the way I want” he is on the wrong side of the issue and – worse – knows he is. (I’m talking to you, Tavis Smiley.) Good God, I’m agreeing with Sean Hannity. Build a memorial.

BILL

As He IS The Expert Witness...

… having been tortured repeatedly during the Vietnam War, Senator John McCain said this Tuesday: "Our enemies act without conscience. We must not.”

BILL

She Even Sounds Like an Idiot

(NEWS ITEM)

Fox News host Andrea Tantaros had a somewhat unique reaction to the Senate Intelligence Committee report on CIA torture programs, which included for example forcing hummus into a detainee's rectum and threatening to rape a detainee's mother.

"The United States of America is awesome. We are awesome, but we've had this discussion" about torture, Tantaros said. “The reason they want to have this discussion is not to show how awesome we are;" rather, "this administration wants to have this discussion to show us how we're not awesome." This is because "they apologized for this country, they don't like this country, they want us to look bad. And all this does is have our enemies laughing at us, that we are having this debate again."


BILL

Mavis Loved Chicken Fingers

Till the day she saw a man dressed all in yellow sprinting from the back of her local grocery store, eyes wild and lost with screams to match, both hands splayed, displaying only the bloody stubs of what once were called fingers.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

I'm Depressed

Had a fight with my girlfriend. Got more depressed when I realized I don’t even have a girlfriend.

BILL

Everything I Need to Know About Cops I Learned in Kindergarten

Never resist arrest.

Never resist arrest if you are massively obese and have an asthma condition that might prove problematic when resisting arrest against officers who have no such prior knowledge re your medical condition.

Never try to take away an officer’s gun while resisting arrest.

Never steal an item and carry it in the open prior to trying to take away an officer’s gun just after having resisted arrest.

Never walk down the middle of the street impeding traffic after having stolen an item and carrying it in the open just prior to trying to take away an officer’s gun just while resisting arrest.

Never place your hands up as if to say “I’m not a threat” while having done the opposite for the prior minute when trying to take away an officer’s gun during the process of resisting arrest.

Do I need to go on?

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Thanks For Nothing, WGA!

I had a friend named Red. His last name was October. He got lost once and we all went searching for him. I sold the movie rights to Hollywood and they turned it into some stupid submarine flick.

Idiots.

BILL

I Can Be So Stupid

I just learned that a “cheat sheet” is a helpful hints summary and not the linens upon which my ex-wife committed her numerous infidelities.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala