Women often describe me as dashing...

… away from them after having stolen their purse.

BILL

Third Time's The Least Charming

Three times in my life a bird has shit on my head. The weird part though is each time it’s been the same goddamn bird!!

BILL

Junior Walkers

Whenever I see a pedestrian being written up for a jaywalking violation I have the same thought: Somewhere a rapist is laughing.

BILL

"Get out of here chop-chop!"

This was the line my boss yelled at me the day I brought some customers to the show room at Smitty’s Ceiling Fans and said to them: “And this one we call The Vic Morrow.”

BILL

I Could Just SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!

I am so angry!! As I told you earlier I found out I was lined up for poinsettia eradication during this year’s War on Christmas. What I just learned, however, was that originally I was going to be part of the anti-caroling sheet music theft squadron. But a friend told me that, due to my small-minded Field Marshal being upset with me over a comment I made about his beloved Broncos, I was suddenly reassigned to poinsettia eradication. As anyone knows, poinsettia eradication is far more time-consuming and way, way less fun than anti-caroling sheet music theft. I am simply irate!!! And I was so not looking forward to Christmas.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BILL

Party Time!

Those claiming there is no difference between the two political parties have let the head of their cynicism swallow the tail of their intellect.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

I am SO SICK of fighting with my ex over what she deems “joint property.”

Screw it. She can keep my weed.

BILL

Of Clingons

An early draft of the “Star Trek” pilot has Spock delivering the line “Live long and prosper,” followed by “Bones” McCoy responding (in character I might add): “But not so long that you need someone else to wipe your ass.”

Not unwisely, producers decided to cut the second part.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

"The Wizard of Id"

Call this a tad racy on my part, but I’ve always felt that when the Scarecrow in “The Wizard of Oz” said “Of course, people do go both ways,” what he was REALLY hinting at was that people turn both left and right when racing.

BILL

Return Your Binkies to Their Upright Position, Pats Fans!

Patriots fans whining “Circumstantial evidence!!” re the Tom Brady “Deflategate” scandal need to be reminded this was not a criminal trial. Rather it was a binding decision made by the Commissioner, said decisions being an element of a contract to which Tom Brady himself signed off on when he joined the NFL.

BILL

Tom, You Let Me Down Like a Deflated Football

OK, Tom Brady, I get it. You deny any involvement in “Deflategate.” Now, if you’ll simply state that if you did have prior knowledge it would automatically render you a cheating weasel we’ll be good to go.

BILL

Cos and Effect

Hey, Bill Cosby! Yelling “Stop it!” at your comedy show hecklers is (unfortunately) something rape victims can’t do once they’ve been drugged. Get it now?

BILL

Wow! I did NOT know this!

A recent Stanford study showed that a small fraction of people declared dead in the operating room were revived to life if Stevie Wonder’s 1977 hit “Sir Duke” was played sufficiently loud.

That stated, just because a record has a groove don’t make it in the groove.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

These Boots Were Made For Talking

My problem with those so eager to put “boots on the ground” as their default foreign policy setting is their almost always proven history of having made sure it was never their boots.

BILL

Verily I Say Unto You:

Those claiming there is no difference between the two political parties have let the head of their cynicism swallow the tail of their intellect.

BILL

Whenever people say to me:

"God, you're an idiot," I respond: “Have you considered that YOU might be the idiot if you deem me to be God?”

BILL