My Filmic Masterpiece

When I was a youth I attempted to make my own “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” Being the pouting little weasel I was, however, it ended up being much more “The Boy Who Cried ‘Uncle.’”

BILL

The Brady Hunch

Anyone who would destroy evidence requested by the NFL in the “Deflategate” matter – as Tom Brady did with his cellphone – is guilty. So stop getting all self-righteous, Tom. That’s my domain.

This is an email, not a court of law.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Puree Genius

We should add a constitutional amendment for the right to possess a blender just to see if the open carry rifle rubes would walk around carrying blenders in public.

BILL

Not To Say We're a Violent Society But...

Perhaps we should just keep the flag at half-mast all the time and then hoist it up all the way on the rare occasion when someone doesn’t go on a killing spree. Just a thought.

BILL

And the colored girls go: “You’re right, Bill. That song sucks!"

Whenever folks accord Lou Reed’s “Walk on The Wild Side” its lofty perch in the pantheon of rock and roll, I’m quick to remind them that I could have “sung” it and have no talent whatsoever.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

The Ads Say It All

Few things are more telling about the conservative base and its inevitable change or die dilemma than the number of Life Alert ads on FOX News.

BILL

One day, kids today will say :

“I’m so old I remember when people used to say: ‘I’m so old I can remember when they showed videos on MTV.’”

BILL

The Donald Once Again Stepping in Sh*t

GOP Presidential candidate Donald Trump says Senator John McCain is not a “war hero” and refuses to apologize. McCain served his country admirably during a contentious war, had both arms and a leg broken upon ejecting from his aircraft, nearly drowned upon landing, had his shoulder crushed by a rifle butt by his captors, was refused medical treatment at the time, was held as a prisoner of war in solitary confinement for two years, was subjected to rope bindings and repeated beatings every two hours, while at the same time was suffering from dysentery, and to this day is unable to lift his arms properly. Many American POWs were tortured and maltreated in order to extract "confessions" and propaganda statements; virtually all of them eventually yielded something to their captors. McCain subsequently received two to three beatings weekly because of his continued refusal to sign additional statements.

This leads to the question, if this is not a war hero, what is, Lord Stepinshit?

BILL

When The Chips Are Downed

It’s a little known fact that there ARE people who actually dislike chocolate chip cookies. Scientists call these people “idiots.”

BILL

A Million Ways to Die in The West

On the morning of September 11, 2001, actor-writer-director Seth MacFarlane was scheduled to return to Los Angeles on American Airlines Flight 11 from Boston. Hung over after the previous night's celebrations that followed his speech at his alma mater and with an incorrect departure time, he arrived ten minutes too late to board the flight. Fifteen minutes after departing, flight 11 was hijacked, and at 8:46 a.m. was flown into the North Tower of the World Trade Center, killing everyone on board.

BILL

Voters Block

America is 138th of 172 nations in voter turnout.

Wellllllllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

(Oh, I know, I know, some might pout over my “USA!! USA!!” running gag, but, lest we forget, there’s only one political party that’s doing everything it can to keep that turnout low. Hint: It's not the Democratic party.)

BILL

How He Trumpets Himself is Hysterical (Not That He Realizes)

Donald Trump said last week: “I’m, like, really smart.” Four corporate bankruptcies aside, my favorite part of that line is the word “like.” (Like, I am so suuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrre.) And, Donald, if by some remote chance you end up being president, you’ve not gotten off to a good start by calling those with whom you’ll need to work stupid/idiots. Just a thought.

BILL

Trash Talk

I still fondly recall the days of my youth when my father would plop me on his knee and regale me with tales of his upbringing, namely the fact that he had to walk three miles each and every morning to fetch dirty magazines at the dump for his father.

BILL

Flying a Flag of Insincerity

NEWS ITEM: COLUMBIA, South Carolina — More than 50 years after South Carolina raised a Confederate flag at its Statehouse to protest the civil rights movement, the rebel banner dating back to the U.S. Civil War will be removed today.

EDITORIAL: This leads to the question: How come the rubes, who claim the flag was to honor Southern heritage or Johnny Reb’s valiancy in the face of a lost cause, evidently didn’t give a shit about any of these for a hundred years up until – oddly enough - the start of the civil rights movement, you know when blacks wanted to vote ‘n stuff?

BILL

PS: And remember, kids, henceforth call it what it is and always was: the flag of treason.

My Rewrite of Gillian Flynn's "Gone Girl"

Picked this up at the library and on the back it says: “She lives in Chicago with her husband and son.”

I was expecting “She lives in Chicago with her increasingly paranoid husband and son.”

BILL

Now THERE'S a Model Prisoner:

NEWS ITEM: “A prison inmate who was wrongly released from jail early walked to an old school pal’s pub for a couple of cheeky beers before handing himself back in.”

EDITORIAL: Seriously, I’d shave a month off his sentence for honesty and another two for good sense.

BILL

Punch Line

When I was a little child my Dad said he’d open up a can of whup ass on me. I went to the store and asked for some. Boy did they laugh. Then they beat me silly.

BILL

First Thing You Know Old Jeb's a Millionaire

Hey, guess what I’m NOT going to do? Whine about Jeb Bush’s high speaking fees. If that’s what he can get, bully for him. Like the line in The Godfather: “After all, we’re not communists.”

BILL

Neutral Non Parties

The phrase “I’m not going to get into the middle of that” has served me well, save for the time I denied myself the pleasure of a threesome.

BILL

It's Not Just His Name That Doubles Down

The best thing about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s bid for President is he’s kind of his own running mate, being the size of two people.

BILL