Car Hunting

Ted Kennedy and Dick Cheney are driving cross country, Teddy at the wheel. They come to a bridge. “Stop the car,” Dick says. “I’m taking the wheel. You ride shotgun.”

“Sounds good to me,” Teddy says.

BILL

Hole Foods

Why don’t hunters who pose with their kills – proud to “provide for their family” as they often say – take similar pictures at the grocery store?

BILL

The Hunt for Rube October

Those claiming “love of the outdoors” as one of their reasons for hunting should claim “love of art” as reason to set fire to a museum.

BILL

Lead The Way

A fan of irony, I would bet that most of the same individuals fearing the remote possibility of “civilian-killing” terrorists entering our country are the same ones who worship the very second amendment that coddles our homegrown, gun-packing, rage-filled “civilian-killing” wackos.

BILL

"The Smell of War" by author/journalist/veteran Philip Caputo

An excerpt from his anti-Iraq invasion op-ed in the Los Angeles Times on 3/30/2003.

“I covered the Middle East for four years, from Morocco to Tehran, and feel reasonably confident in predicting that we would find it easier to grow bananas in the Sahara than to plant a flourishing democracy in that blood-dimmed, fractious country. I feel reasonably confident in further predicting, as people more expert in these matters have already done, that a prolonged U.S. occupation of Iraq will in time inflame Arab nationalism and Islamist fervor, and serve as a giant recruiting poster for Al Qaeda or some other band of murderous fanatics.”

Gee. Do you think he was right?

BILL

Statue of Liberty Play

Did you read how all those super-duper patriotic, gigantic flag unrolling, pro-military, we-love-the-troops demonstrations at NFL stadiums over the past few years were not the gesture of patriotic sincerity on the part of the teams and owners that fans thought they were but were in fact paid for by the Pentagon?

Welllllllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA! USA! USA! USA!

BILL

No Thought Required - Only True Belief

Please, may we stop using the word “mastermind” when it comes to whatever louse thought up the Paris attacks? Not only is it an insult to true masterminds, but such acts require few brains whatsoever. Only hate.

BILL

Chuckles with Brangelina

So I'm having cocktails with Brad and Angie, when Angie, ever the flirt, says: “My God, you are handsome.”

“Why, thank you,” I respond, tightening my tie and winking Brad’s way.

“I was talking to my husband, you idiot.”

BILL

Of Tornados

Some claim tornados to be “the finger of god.” If so, I guess it would be the middle one.

BILL

City of Plight

These things tend to happen when one seeks guidance from a “holy book” cobbled together by fearful, uneducated women-haters who believed in sea serpents and thought if you sailed too far out into the ocean you would fall off the earth.

Strap yourself in, kids. There will be more of these. Or you can do your small part and get the pendulum swinging in the other direction by saying: “I refuse to partake in revering such superstitious texts and instead shall align myself with those striving for the highest achievements of what educated men and women of all parts of the world can accomplish together.”

BILL

Three Different Women are Currently Stalking Me!

Whoops! Just reread that. I meant to say I’m currently stalking three different women.

BILL

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks"

Whenever I see someone putting endless Facebook posts online regarding their “faith,” I cannot escape the thought that the opposite might well be true.

BILL Non-Shakespeare

I've Ben Thinking

We used to say “You know, you don’t exactly have to be a brain surgeon to figure out that…” or “You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that….”

I’m hoping we can all agree that, henceforth, we stick with “rocket scientist.”

BILL

Headline you’ll never see:

“Loquacious, easygoing student who never thought the world owed her anything goes on killing rampage.”

BILL

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaad Idea

NEWS ITEM: “The family of a man whose body landed on a freeway sign during a car crash says they performed a lamb sacrifice for him days earlier to protect him from harm.”*

EDITORIAL: Ah, yes. Religion.

BILL

*(Source: 11/3/15 Los Angeles Times)

“Dance like no one’s watching,” they said.

So I did.

“Tell you what,” they said. “Pretend someone’s watching.”

BILL

Heathens All!

NEWS ITEM: “According to the non-profit organization Vision of Humanity, each of the ten safest and most peaceful nations in the world is also among the most secular, least God-believing in the world. Most of the least safe and peaceful nations, conversely, are extremely religious.”

EDITORIAL: Like I’m shocked by this….

(Source: 11/1/15 Los Angeles Times)

BILL

A Forum for Madonna at The Forum

Quoting – I assure you word for word - today’s Los Angeles Times on Madonna’s performance at the Forum in Inglewood:

“… singing her song ‘Holy Water’ as several women dressed in nun’s wimples pole-danced on a number of metal crosses.”

AND

“… the singer simulated oral sex atop a long table decorated to evoke the Last Supper.”

Now, we all know I’m agnostic and a huge believer in freedom and am the first to say when people take offence “I’m offended that you’re offended, so now we’re even.” My question is merely an attempt to delineate the difference between two particular religions. In the above two examples, Madonna – I’ll politely say – “uses” venerated Christian icons as part of her performance. The question is: would she be willing to do this with Islamic icons? And if not, why not?

BILL