All The President's Men Redux

A friend of mine came up with this hysterical fictional scene for “All The President’s Men,” wherein Bob Woodward (Robert Redford) has one last underground parking lot meeting with his deep background source, aka “Deep Throat” (Hal Holbrook).

WOODWARD: Just how high does this conspiracy go?

DEEP THROAT: Higher than you can imagine.

WOODWARD: We’ve already linked it to Haldeman so we’re inside the White House. And Haldeman is Nixon’s Chief of Staff.

DEEP THROAT: Higher, I’m telling you.

WOODWARD: How can it go higher than the White House?

Deep Throat peers left, right, takes a drag from his cigarette, then tosses it to the pavement floor, snubbing it out beneath his shoe. He frees a final gust of cigarette smoke.

DEEP THROAT: Martians.

WOODWARD: Excuse me—what… did you say?

DEEP THROAT: Martians, I tell you!

Woodward, standing beside a column, slowly begins sliding back down against it until he is fully slumped along the cold concrete. He puts his head in his hands, vanquished and humiliated.


(Now the point of this is to show how Woodward realizes that, with a single utterance, everything else Deep Throat has told him now comes into serious, serious question. This is pretty much how I feel about the bible, of which I will quote just once. Exodus 35: 2: “Six days work shall be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a Sabbath of solemn rest, holy to the Lord. Whoever does any work on it shall be put to death.” I could, of course, have picked from dozens of such lunatic quotations but I chose this one. Akin to the aforementioned “Martians” example, this leads to the question: Why would anyone put any stock whatsoever into a book that commands you to kill people for working on Sunday? (A coarser variation on this sentiment comes from Bill Maher: “If you see one turd in the pool do you jump in?”)

BILL

Drowning in Facts

Since one is statistically more likely to drown in his or her bathtub than be killed by a terrorist, what say we get rid of bath tubs?

BILL

Caught “The Big Short" re The Great Recession

Even after the idiot-proof, fourth-wall breaking explanations on how “a handful of hedge fund managers predicted the implosion of garbage-laden collateral debt obligations and profited from the crash” I’m still lost. No wonder I’ve never balanced my checkbook.

BILL

The Devil Is In The Details

I noticed something I had never seen before. In “Jaws” when Roy Scheider is typing up a form re the female swimmer whose body washed ashore, he types “Shark Attack” for “Probable Cause of Death.” Just above that is a box reading “Removed To (Address)” where he has typed in: “Corners Office.” (sic)

It is spelled, of course, “coroner” and should have the apostrophe, as in: “Coroner’s Office.”

I’m positive each was intentional and subtly displays how all of this is new to “Chief Brody” and how out of his element he is for the story about to unfold.

The difference between good movies and great movies (in my opinion).

BILL

Instant Karma's Gonna Get You

The man who killed Cecil The Lion was forced to go into hiding, inflicting upon him the karmic harmony of what it feels like to be hunted. Maybe there is a God....

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

I'm a Packer Fan (As in Packing Heat)

Going to Zeb’s Gun Shack tomorrow. Wanna get in line early. Bring it on, terrorists. This American’s gonna be packing with a pistol hotter than your 72 virgins. Or 76. No, wait that’s trombones. Or Dalmatians or something. Either way, bring it on! Yeehaw!!

BILL

My Rage is Limited to Passive Aggressiveness

Some claim that the gun rampage issue is availability of guns. To SOME extent this is true. But that is not anywhere NEAR the entire problem. How do I KNOW this? Because if I’m having the absolute worst day of my life and you hand me a fully-loaded AK-47 I am NOT going to start shooting up the place. Nor do I know anyone who would. So let’s try to corral this sentiment as needed. It’s a factor only.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Three Cheers for Irony

Actor Michael Fassbender, who played the lead in the film “Steve Jobs,” has a rule when he goes out for meals: no phones. “We’d all be in a better place mentally if we just turned them off and looked at each other,” he says.

BILL

Holy Smokes!

Smoking pot has made me so paranoid that I distrust the legalization of marijuana.

BILL

I'm So Stupid

I just found out that ANYone can win a SAG Award. I thought they were only for senior citizens.

BILL

I've decided to get a gun

I’m worried I might be killed by a terrorist.

(See? Just saying it sounds stupid.)

BILL

"The Martian"

Thrilled to see this get a Best Picture nomination from the Golden Globes in the comedy/musical category. Speaking for myself, it was one of the single funniest films I have ever seen and Matt Damon’s song and tap-dance number “I’d Kill For Some Manure” will live in the hearts of movie lovers forever.

BILL

Forty Years Too Late

Damn it, Eagles, make up your minds! Should I “Take It Easy” or “Take It To The Limit?!

BILL

A Thought re John Stamos

Actor John Stamos always strikes me as a nice guy. If I were that handsome, I’m SURE I’d be a real jerk! I mean, I’m kinda ugly and I already AM a jerk.

BILL

On The Lighter Side of Killing Sprees

I take comfort knowing I will never be shooter or victim.

I’m non-violent, have a moral conscience, vent as needed and am not into guns. Best of all, I’m agnostic! OK, that’s the shooter part.

But what about victim, you ask? Hey, I read beyond the headlines. The victims are usually “Kimberly Ann was 24, cheerful, loved by all and was two weeks shy of her wedding day.” It’s never: “Bill was bullheaded, opined with irritating frequency on the issues of day and his black gallows humor repulsed many.” Sorry, kids, but I’m going to be the lone survivor, feigning a corpse while staring into space amidst the bodies, sprawled out atop an empty ketchup bottle.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

This? THIS was your target?

San Bernardino shooters took out a disabilities services center. What, was the Children’s Burn Ward closed?

BILL

Hyper Brevity is The Soul of Wit

I’m a master of the one-syllable haiku, the most challenging of the haiku series. Perhaps you’re familiar with what one-syllable haiku scholars deem my masterpiece: “Toast.” Allow me to share:

“Toast.”

I believe this cathedral of minimalism not only shames my earlier works (and, yes, I am including “Moss” as well as my thoroughly dated “Joust”) but makes the whole sorry lot of them come off like Gatling guns of horrid verbosity.

BILL

Lost in Tushlation

If I ever meet writer-director Sofia Coppola I’ll ask her why her opening shot of “Lost in Translation” is a prolonged close-up of Scarlett Johansson’s diaphanously-attired rear end. (For the record this is not a complaint, per se, merely confusion.)

BILL

In My Eyes There's Not That Much Difference

Sure, actress Rosanna Arquette has had two pop songs sung about her but, in the end, that’s only two more than me.

BILL