The Wisconsin ballot recount is the equivalent of an NFL coach throwing the red “play review” flag out onto the field with ten seconds left when he’s down 42-14. (In other news, true aficionados of the sport will readily concede that many aspects of life can be clarified using football as a metaphor. I’m serious.)

BILL

How Not to Attract a Woman:

I’ve heard it said that what’s most important to a woman is how a man makes her feel. Sadly, every woman I know feels like smacking the hell out of me.

BILL

Florence Henderson Died

Twenty years ago, my hair was cut by the same person who cut Florence Henderson’s hair. This means I have two degrees of separation from Carol Brady.

This and the time I slept with Jan Brady. Unfortunately, I kept yelling “Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!” (OK, I lied about the second half of that but the rest is true.)

BILL

Two Thumbs Up!

I’m going to scoot out on a limb here and say – having watched it again – that the funniest running gag prop in movie history MIGHT be Bill Murray’s hair in “Kingpin.” And the funniest SHOT - and of this I'm sure - is the same movie's brazen, varicose vein sendup shot of "The Graduate," only this time with Woody Harrelson vomiting into a bucket after paying his rent by having sex with his cigarette puffing, sexiness-challenged apartment manager.

BILL

Of Jared Foglebergs

Neither sex nor music should ever be forced upon someone, and for that reason I consider subway train-car singer-guitarists rapists of the ears.

BILL

@BillBekkala tweet

NEWS ITEM: “Global warming record crumbles due in part to freak Arctic warmth.” (Damn you, Chinese hoaxers! Damn you! Get 'em, Mr. Trump!)

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spent Eternity in Hell:

Wow! Just found out that in the opening Normandy Invasion scene of “Saving Private Ryan,” where the guy whose arm gets blown off is staggering about in knee-deep water looking around for his missing limb before finally finding it, there was actually a line of dialogue given to the soldier that Steven Spielberg ended up cutting: “Hey, that’s not MY arm.”

BILL

If It's True We're a Christian Nation:

And Christ taught forgiveness, why do we have federal prisons?

BILL

Lettuce Pray

I think it would be nothing short of hysterical if, at Trump’s first White House state dinner, there were no salads on the menu, as there was no one left to pick the lettuce.

BILL

I cried when Tom Hanks lost Wilson the Volleyball in “Cast Away.”

I mean, I bet he could’ve gotten ten bucks for it at least.

BILL

I'll have to put this in my "No Shit, Sherlock" file

NEWS ITEM: During Trump's private meeting with President Barack Obama on Thursday, Trump "seemed surprised" by the scope of the president's responsibilities, according to a report from The Wall Street Journal.

BILL

A Phrase I Never Want to Hear a Politician Use Again:

“But I believe the American people are a lot smarter than that.”

BILL

What could possibly go wrong?

The country has just handed the keys to the nukes to a man who 63% of the populace thinks does not possess the temperament to be president.

BILL

PS: On the plus side, I’m going to have four years of great material to work with (assuming we last that long of course).

"I want my country back!!!!!"

(Sorry, just practicing in case Hillary loses.)

BILL

One Last Time, With Gusto

Trump 2016: Because America needs a spoiled, draft-dodging, Cuban embargo breaking, narcissistic, whining, thin-skinned, penis-comparing, POW mocking, National Enquirer reading, violence-advocating, serial-lying, torture-loving, daughter-lusting, racist, sexist, vagina-invading, assassination-threatening, last birther standing, nuclear bomb use advocating, Vladimir Putin admiring, election result acceptance threatening, Jim Crow 2.0 prompting, tax evading, charity cheating, climate change denying, clueless-re-the-workings-of-government bully to be leader of the free world.

BILL


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Bully for you, my dear! Bully for you!

Melania Trump announced that, if she were to become first lady, she would speak out against cyber-bullying. Evidently she’s OK with run-of-the-mill bullying.

BILL

Erring as Ralston

So I go to Blue John Canyon to see the actual place where hiker Aron Ralston became entrapped when his hand was caught between a canyon wall and a massive boulder – depicted by James Franco in the film “127 Hours”(the duration of his ordeal) - and believe it or not the bones from his arm are still pinned there! I reached in to touch them but somehow got my ring caught along a crack of one of the bones. Ended up having to call the fire department to extricate me. Fucking embarrassing.

BILL

I found love on a two way street.

And damn near got killed in the head-on collision.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala