"Nobody knew health care could be so complicated."

Actually, Mr. President we all knew. Only you didn’t.

(Sweet vindication…)

BILL

"Is There a Doctor In The House?!"

Whenever I’m out dining and from some table I hear this urgent cry, I stand up and say “I’m a doctor!” I then hurry over to the usually unconscious customer, feel for a pulse, stretch open their eyelids and peer into them, listen for breathing, quickly ask “Is he on any medications that you know?” and generally make it appear as if I know what I’m doing. Finally, I get up, shrug my shoulders and say: “I’m just fucking with you. I’m not really a doctor.”

This bit kills.

BILL

Finally, a Trump Appointment That Makes SENSE!

Choosing ill-fated hiker Aron Ralston to head the newly formed “Department of Shit Happens.”

BILL

Ugh!!!!!!!!!

There’s nothing worse than going to your local grocery store and seeing that the Pop Tarts that had been on sale are no longer. (OK, 9/11 was worse but still.)

BILL

Flugel Corn

Just heard musician Chuck Mangione is changing his name to Chuck Macaroni, which I don’t like because I’m against throwing out food.

BILL

Tears of The Clown

Ah, Little Donnie. Remember how he went on and on and on about how much he lovvvvvvvvved WikiLeaks? How it allowed us a peak behind the curtain to see how things really were? Now that we see a peak behind his curtain, what does he do? He does exactly what we’d expect from someone named Little Donnie: he shits his pants and cries. Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Going Ballistic

With North Korea’s recent test firing of a ballistic missile it goes without saying this could prove problematic for the Trump Administration. On the one hand, we have a bully child born of privilege and power who barely seems to have a grasp on reality as we know it and has proven himself capable of do something deranged at any moment. On the other hand we have Kim Jong-un.

BILL

I am SO attracted to Anne Hathaway!!

I’m sorry; I meant Jane Hathaway, the character from “The Beverly Hillbillies.”

BILL

Public Enemy

Betsy DeVos, who never attended a public school, whose children never attended a public school and who dedicated much of her life to advancing the cause of non-public schools, is now United States Secretary of Education.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

The Land Down Blunder

NEWS ITEM: SYDNEY (AP) — For decades, Australia and the U.S. have enjoyed the coziest of relationships, collaborating on everything from military and intelligence to diplomacy and trade. Yet an irritable tweet President Donald Trump fired off about Australia and a dramatic report of an angry phone call between the nations' leaders proves that the new U.S. commander in chief has changed the playing field for even America's staunchest allies.

EDITORIAL: And it only took him two weeks! As Trump himself would say: “Amazing. Amazing.”

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And For My Next Act I'll Attack The "Scourge" of Voter Fraud

NEWS ITEM: None of the terror attacks on United States soil have been perpetrated by nationals from any of the seven countries recently “travel-banned” by Trump, let alone anyone who came here as a refugee.*

EDITORIAL: This is in keeping with the Republican tradition of addressing nonexistent problems. But, hey, who isn’t “amused” by a party claiming to be “pro-life” – so long as we’re talking fetuses - but which now extends its middle finger to the thousands upon thousands of actual children from war-torn nations? Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: 2/1/2017 Los Angeles Times

I'm So Stupid

I just found out that the 1977 England Dan and John Ford Coley hit “It’s Sad to Belong” was about marriage. (You know: “Oh, it’s sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along.”) I thought it was about the football team you rooted for.

BILL