25 for Sixties Furor

As we creep up on the 25-year anniversary of the LA riots, I still hear a lot of talk and see a lot of print about “civil unrest” or “uprising,” terms which don’t possess quite the impact of, say, a brick to the head of Reginald Denny. It also leads to the question: if those sorry days weren’t a riot, what would be?

BILL

Who Needs Statesmen When We Have Nukes?

With the world moving ever closer it seems to war compliments of Donald Trump being unmoored-from-reality and the nut job in North Korea, diplomacy would seem to be at a premium. All due respect to rookie diplomat little Jared Kushner, unfortunately the State Department’s budget is to be slashed by 31 percent.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

What a Rube...

When asked about the status of President Trump’s executive order on travel, Attorney General Jeff Sessions replied: "I really am amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the president of the United States from what appears to be clearly his statutory and constitutional power.”

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Try This Some Time

Next time you attend a funeral, enter late from the rear of the church, haphazardly skipping up the center aisle toward the coffin at front, dragging your knuckles the entire way. When you reach the front, turn around, facing the congregation with lips pursed, swinging your arms up and down, one hand scratching the top of your head, the other your underarm, alternating back and forth, then start maniacally screeching “Ooh-aww!! Ooh-aww!! Ooh-aww!” (You really gotta sell it!) Then pull out a banana, quickly devour it, toss the peel into the open coffin and take a seat next to your ex. I did this at my Uncle Nestor’s funeral. Man, you should have seen the looks I got!

BILL

A Tax Upon Thee (But Not Him)

No business would fail to fund a unit that, on average, brought in $7 for every dollar spent. Unless that business was run by a fool like Donald Trump who advocates a 14% cut of the (aforementioned) Internal Revenue Service. So as you grumble about paying your taxes this week, remember that the “brilliant businessman,” whose near billion dollar LOSS resulted in him going years without paying federal taxes – and bragging about it - still refuses to partake in the historical precedent (“president” as he spells it) of presidents (and candidates) disclosing their tax returns, which would likely reveal myriad worldwide conflicts of interests for a man making our foreign policy decisions. And by the way, he promised to do this, marking just another lie in a lonnnnnng line of lies.

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

"High Loon"

Did anyone have the courage to stand up to those brazen hussies – pitchforks aloft – inflicting their social coup de tat upon that beacon of decency, Bill O’Reilly? Only one man. One man! And that man was Donald Trump. Yes, the courage we all doubted existed within him - due to Vietnam of course - stood stalwart in the face of this hurricane of injustice. President Pussy Grab—excuse me, President Trump was the LONE voice of reason. So keep your chin up, FOX News, for despite your having looked the other way and paid out millions for over a decade so long as the cash cow paid off, the rubes will still tune in for social political guidance.

And on a personal note: Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Will It Go 'Round in Circus?

Back when The Beatles were beginning to implode, there was serious talk of having keyboardist Billy Preston join the group. Despite Preston being friends with the band and having already performed on a couple Fab Four albums Paul McCartney nixed the idea, stating “It’s bad enough with four.” So c’mon, liberals, admit it on this one. Trump is right re North Korea: One spoiled, demented bully-child with nukes is enough.

BILL

And a Child Shall Lead Them

After his meeting with Chinese President Xi on the topic of North Korea, President Trump said “After listening for ten minutes, I realized it’s not so easy.”

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

My Mini-Revelation

While munching kettle corn and watching a five-piece band play at a Farmers Market recently, I saw three or four toddlers dancing away to the tunes, and the thought hit me: There is no finer rebuttal to those demented cultures that – in their warped collective mind – frown upon the “evils” of dance.

BILL

The Naked and The Brain Dead

And lest we forget, who wasn’t amused - heh-heh – by Donald Trump bragging to Howard Stern how he would barge into the locker room of Miss Teen USA contestants – some as young as 15 - while they changed when he owned the pageant? (Hey, it was his pageant; he could do what he wants, right?) Now THAT’S character, my friends. THAT’S presidential material. You go, Mr. President!

BILL

From Our "Chickens Have Come Home to Roost" File

Who doesn’t get a kick out of Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad taking a page out of the Donald Trump playbook by saying the chemical attack in Syria was “staged” or a “100% fabrication?” You know, kinda like “alternative facts” and “fake news?” Oh, well, Little Donnie, at least you guys are simpatico.

BILL

Crappiness is a Warm Gun (Bang-bang, shoot-shoot)

The Trace – a nonprofit journalism site that covers firearms – reports that a woman is shot and killed by a current or former romantic partner every sixteen hours, and that a woman is five times more likely to be killed if her abuser has access to a gun. The gun control group Everytown for Gun Safety reported in 2014 that more than half of women murdered with guns in the U.S. are killed by intimate partners or family members .*

Welllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

BILL

*Source: 4/12/17 Los Angeles Times

Make America Creepy Again

Which famous leader deemed the press “enemies of the people?” Donald Trump or Josef Stalin?

It’s a trick question! They BOTH did! Isn’t that cool?! Ummm… OK, maybe it’s not that cool. Ah, what do I care? I voted for the lady with the private email server.

BILL

In these perilous times...

… with trouble brewing in North Korea and Syria, I think it more imperative than ever that we all get behind President Kushner and First Lady Ivanka.

(Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.)

BILL

The Voter Fraud Fraud

It has been said that it is better that ten – some say a hundred - guilty men go free than to have a single innocent man be imprisoned, the grander sin clearly being the freedom unjustly denied an innocent man. This moral code is flipped on its head when it comes to voter ID laws, advocates of which - in their misguided zeal to address the nonexistent problem of “voter fraud” – have disenfranchised countless “innocent” citizens (wheelchair bound geriatrics in assisted living facilities with no living relatives, for example, unable to coordinate a ride to obtain such an ID). The far greater sin is to deny so many that which serves as the very foundation of a democracy – voting – than to “allow” the extremely remote possibility of a fraudulent vote being cast.

BILL

With Tinder Keg Situations Near and Far...

… in this the nuclear age, aren’t we all breathing a sigh of relief that pretty little Ivanka is now in a position of power and authority at the White House? Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump administration.

BILL

Double Trouble

I’m 98% certain Sirhan Sirhan’s 1968 assassination of Robert F. Kennedy can be traced back in large part to a lifetime’s frustration due to his dim bulb parents inflicting upon him that awkward double name.

BILL

Of The Worst Kind of Idiot

The worst kind of idiot is not the idiot, per se, for we all – myself included - have our moments of idiocy. The worst kind of idiot is the idiot who thinks he’s really, really smart. (A digression: From time to time I am accused of thinking I’m really smart, despite the fact that I’ve never asserted this. Nor would I. In fact, I think I am of average intellect. I am, however, glib and quite opinionated and some confuse these with my thinking I’m really smart. Never forget, I do the mail at work.)

Now, as for who thinks he’s really, really smart? A few hints:

“I have the best words.”

“Nobody knows the tax code better than I do. OK. I know it better. I’m the king of the tax code.”

“I consult myself on foreign policy.”

“I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me.”

Resting my case…

BILL

Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend - WTF?!?

I recognize that this comes off glaringly self-righteous on my part but – how do I say this – I don’t give a shit. There seems to be a recent spate of burglaries of celebrity homes, etc. and while I would never condone theft, there is a part of me deeply saddened not by those robbed of their fulsome treasures but rather by the knowledge that so many would much rather possess such abundant displays of wealth to begin with. While no saint, if I had millions I would find infinitely more pleasure in, say, putting a brilliant kid through college who could otherwise not afford it, for example. Some wunderkind with that storied potential to perhaps come up with the cure to cancer, Alzheimer’s, what have you. Alas, that student might never be given that chance, because someone like – oh, I don’t know – Kim Kardashian, say, who was robbed of ten million dollars’ worth of jewelry recently, finds soooooooo much more pleasure in flaunting her valuable rocks than helping others.

OK, I’m done.

BILL