You Don't Get To Live Like a Refugee (How Petty of Them)

“The administration also ended the Central American Minors refugee program that was designed to help children from El Salvador, Guatemala and Honduras facing persecution at home to be united with family members in the United States.”*

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration)

BILL

* Source: 9/28/17 Los Angeles Times

Fake Praise

Trump touting his presidential “achievements” reminds me of the days when the old USSR via Pravda would do the same. Meanwhile, Soviet citizens would be asking: “If things are so great, why am I standing in a bread line for three hours?”

BILL

What Can I say? We're HOT!!!

My fellow arsonists and I are demanding equal time when it comes to calendars. True, firemen tend to be more buff, but we’re still an attractive lot. And bright!

BILL

Other Than That, Mrs. Lincoln...

Every time Little Donnie praises our 16th president he remains blissfully unaware that, were he alive today, Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth would have unquestionably voted for Trump.

BILL

Poor-to Rico

While Little Donnie fumes repeatedly on Twitter this weekend about NFL players, he completely ignores the millions of helpless U.S. citizens suffering in Puerto Rico post hurricane. As previously stated, the man is a sociopath.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

"Rocket Man" and Other 70's Pop Tunes

I’m getting worried - living in coastal Los Angeles - as it’s been reported that the President of North Korea was heard singing “There’s a nukin’ in town.”

BILL

Call Me "Dollar Bill"

Desiring to become more popular at work, rather than a candy jar I have placed upon my desk a mirror, a razor and some high-grade cocaine.

BILL

How to Make an Armored Truck Driver Laugh

When he goes by, look at him through that thick, tinted glass and stick out your thumb as if hitchhiking.

He’ll laugh. I’ve tried it.

BILL

Whenever You Start Bemoaning Your Life...

… recall the two turning points in the life of labor activist “Mother” Jones. The first was the death of her husband George and their four children, three girls and a boy (all under the age of five) in 1867, during a yellow fever epidemic in Memphis. After that, she returned to Chicago to begin a second dressmaking business. Then, four years later, she lost her home, shop, and possessions in the Great Chicago Fire.

(Feel better?)

BILL

When Patience Was Not Just a Virtue, But a Reality

Former Dallas Cowboys head coach Tom Landry’s first five years resulted in records of:

1960 0-11-1
1961 4-9-1
1962 5-8-1
1963 4-10
1965 5-8-1

Now you get two years if you’re lucky. (For those not in the know, Landry went on to become one of the most successful head coaches in NFL history.)

BILL

Someone Ruined My Song Tonight

I think it would’ve been cool during Elton John’s 1975 hit “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” if, when he sang “It’s 4:00 in the morning, dammit,” he instead sang “It’s 4:00 in the morning, dammit, Beavis.”

BILL

Take Me Out (to the ball game)

As a security measure, those within the Osama Bin Laden compound not only burned all of their garbage, but any stray cricket balls hit over the compound fence by children were summarily burned as well. For this alone the Navy SEAL Team Six should have killed him.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Make Earth Great Again

Today, I announce the formation of an exploratory commission for my candidacy for the office of God. Our present god – I call him “Crooked God” – is nothing short of a disaster. A disaster!

For centuries, “Crooked God” – despite being all knowing and all powerful – has done nothing whatsoever to stop war, murder, rape, over-population, destruction of the environment, torture, starvation, genocide, violence, slavery, famine, drought, poverty, sexual molestation, “honor” killings and female subjugation. Dare I even mention hurricanes?

Imagine! Being all knowing and all powerful and STILL ALLOWING these things to exist. Talk about sleeping on the job! This of course leads to the question: “Hey, Crooked God, what WOULDN’T you allow to happen?” I, on the other hand, would use all my godly powers to ensure these things never happen.

The choice is clear. Don’t settle for “Crooked God.” Vote for Bill as God. I appreciate your support.

BILL

Try This Some Time

If you ever have access to a circus elephant, bring it into work really early one day and put it in a conference room. Then call in your entire staff and say: “I’d like to address the elephant in the room.”

BILL

Ice Bill

When NWA was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, group member Ice Cube told detractors that rock and roll was about “attitude.” I have attitude; ask anyone who knows me. Can I be inducted, too?

BILL

Blade Runt

I was a resourceful child, grinding down my toothbrush into a shiv to ward off the toughs in school, before realizing I could have just gone out and bought a knife.

BILL