Sloganeering 101

I coined the phrase “the horses have already fled the barn” in 1968, responding to Ma’s inquiry “Billy Paul! What in tarnation happened to all the horses!?”

BILL

Wacko Jacko Pt. Deux

Five years ago, I correctly predicted - mere hours after its woefully insincere debut - that the phrase “wardrobe malfunction” would infuse its way into the American lexicon.

I was wrong, however, in my similar prediction regarding “hamburger tray insertion apparatus.”

BILL

Ah what an innocent time it was...

In the 1983 film “War Games,” the computer controlling the launching of all of our nuclear missiles was hacked by a teenager who correctly deduced that the system’s designer might well have used as his password the name of his deceased child, Joshua.

Not: Joshua1 or joshU1a or josh#Ua1 Just plain old simple… Joshua.

Now my passwords are mandatory alphanumeric, mix upper and lower case, contain some wacky symbol, and must be changed every 45 days. And if I don’t do this, I am taken out and shot. (OK, I lied about that last part but you get my point….)

BILL

Honest, Officer, It Just WENT OFF!

I’m noticing a pattern. Whenever a gun just happens to “go off,” two things tend to occur at the exact same moment. One: the person holding the gun is in a fit of spitting, blind rage. And two, of the 6.77 billion inhabitants of the planet Earth, the one at whose head the gun is directly pointed just happens to be the very same person fueling that rage.

What are the odds? (I know in one regard they’re approximately 6,770,000,000 to 1.)

BILL

Swine Flu

Frankly, I’m concerned. I was born in the Year of The Pig, every woman who knows me has at one time or another called me a chauvinist pig, my ex calls me a “swine,” and, if you’ve seen me at the dinner table, well… ‘nuff said.

On the other hand, maybe everyone who knows me should be worried.

BILL

Shocked, SHOCKED I Was When I Read THIS!

In 2001, the 9/11 terrorists spent every waking moment of their day doing two things and two things only:

1) Spent 20% of their time preparing for the 9/11 hijackings.

2) Spent 80% of their time teaching Americans how to text-message while driving.

BILL

Experience has taught me that...

… anytime someone resorts to “C’mon, it’ll be a good experience,” you can pretty much strap yourself in for a lousy time.

BILL