Try This Some Time

Anytime someone says “Barack Obama is the worst president ever,” ask them “Really? Name one thing – good, bad or indifferent – that President Chester Arthur did.”

BILL

My Advice Re Negotiations in Afghanistan

I believe it is imperative that our first negotiating point with The Taliban be:

“Throw fifty percent less acid into the faces of teenage girls desiring an education.”

I believe The Taliban will grant this due consideration. After all, they are reasonable men.

BILL

I've Never Eaten A Chocolate Mousse

For fear of choking on the antlers.

BILL

A Father’s Day Memory

This Father’s Day, I recall with fondness when, during the anxiety-ridden days of my youth, this troubled lad sought solace in the wisdom of his father. With loving patience, Dad listened to the venting of my poor self-esteem, capped by my tear-filled blurting that I was “ugly.”

“No son of mine is ugly,” he said with quiet confidence.

“But Mom once told me you’re not my father,” I replied.

Without a word, Dad left the room, and our talks were never quite the same….

BILL

Yes, I Too Have Taken a Belated Leap Atop The Reagan Bandwagon!!

And as we mark the thirty year anniversary of AIDS, let us remember how it was Ronald Reagan, the Great Communicator himself, who failed to even mention AIDS for the first seven years of his administration. Stone-like silence in the face of a dreaded disease killing off thousands of your fellow citizens. This is character, my friends. This is leadership. And this is why I proudly assert the following: “Reagan in 2012: Dig Up Dem Bones!”

BILL

My Waiter Job Plans Imploded

Despite sufficient training I simply could not master timing my asking “And how is everything here?” at the exact moment when my customers’ mouths were stuffed with food. As this was a serious breach of table waiting protocol, I was summarily fired from Burger Boys.

BILL

Gramps is 102 Today!

And the dude is so old he listens to Jefferson Biplane albums.

BILL