Is This My Lucky Day or What?!

A lady at work brought in some homemade banana bread. Seconds after she peeled away the cellophane, I dove in. As I brought a slice to my lips I realized that it was, in fact, two slices stuck together. Having touched both, good manners dictated neither be returned.

“Look. I meant to take one, but got two accidentally,” I said, taking a generous bite.

“Yeah, right. Tell us about it, Pinocchio,” she replied.

My mouth full, I burst out laughing, spraying the entire plate of banana bread with a fine mist of saliva-caked crumbs, obligating me to seize all of the remaining slices for my personal consumption, to be savored over the course of what turned out to be a marvelous day.

BILL

Is This Hell? (No... It's Iowa)

As a result of a disastrous zero percent showing in the recent Iowa straw poll, I am ending my candidacy for the presidential nomination.

BILL

PS - Oh, and of course this means I’m going back to my original position on the issue of abortion.

"All The President's Men"

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Orientation in Heaven

My spiritual medium pal Rusty informs me that new arrivals are warned never to utter the following to Jesus: “I’ll keep you posted.”

BILL

America NEEDS Kanye West!!

True, we’ve had to suffer another one of his silly rants, this time invoking Adolf Hitler into his woe-is-me diatribe. But let’s face it, we all have moments when we ask ourselves: “Am I crazy? Am I losing it? Have I lost touch with reality?” Kanye West reminds us – time and again – that, no, we’re doing just fine, flawed sinners though we may be. I say we owe him a debt of gratitude. So let me be the first to say: thank you, Kanye.

BILL

My Duet With Tony Bennett

To no one’s surprise, our new single (“Flog Me No More”) took a critical drubbing, one reviewer skewering our effort with: “This clown is not only tone deaf but couldn’t carry a tune if you gave him a bucket. Bill fares no better!”

BILL

"What Do You Want?! An Engraved Invitation?!"

Some time back, I began replying to this in the affirmative and – odd though it may seem – have subsequently amassed a rather sizable and very attractive collection of same.

BILL