When in Rome...

… do as the Romanians (as my father used to say). My trip to Maryland this weekend was fabulous! As usual I got crabs.

BILL

Let's Admit It:

If there’s more than a grain of truth to the adage that those who go to NASCAR events go simply to see the crashes, then there exists within the cosmos a certain dark, karmic harmony that kicks in whenever crash debris flies over the safety fences and into the crowd, killing spectators.

BILL

"Go With The Flo"

That’s what the gals all tell me, Flo (of Progressive Insurance) and I having been an item for years now. But when I was interviewed by Lara Spencer on Good Morning America the other day about my being the only person in America without a cell phone, well, let’s just say sparks were flying. And neither of us was standing anywhere near a light socket. Man, was Flo ticked! Two nights ago I was on the couch, but now I’m back in bed. Now that’s progressive! BILL

I Have a Friend Named Earl Grey

Not surprisingly, he’s a member of the Tea Party.

BILL

My Favorite Question For 9/11 Conspiracy Buffs

What message was not clearly conveyed by destroying The World Trade Center such that it warranted the additional destruction of Building 7, i.e. do you think the conspirators actually felt that the collapse of the twin towers was simply too subtle and needed a little extra oomph?

BILL

Maximum Bill

If I ran a prison, I would personally take a Death Row prisoner’s 11:00 pm meal request, noting his desire for barbequed ribs, mac and cheese, chocolate malt, etc. Then, one hour prior to his execution, I would raise the silver platter, displaying for him his final meal of steamed Brussells sprouts, no butter. Then – granted from the safety of the other side of the bars – I would place my thumbs to my ears and wiggle my fingers, rocking my head to and fro while uttering in a sing-song manner: “You shouldn’t have killed that family. You shouldn’t have killed that family…”

BILL

PS – OK, I’m actually against the death penalty; I just think this is funny…

There's a Reason They Call Them "Throwback" Uniforms

Nine times out of ten they’re so hideous they should be thrown back.

BILL