Alien Encounters

Last night I dreamt I was a character in a Ridley Scott film, namely the resident buffoon cracking jokes and keeping everyone laughing. When I let fly the punch line to one whopper of a joke, everyone listening simply burst out of the chest of the person standing next to them.

BILL

The Abysmal Depths of My Catholic Guilt

I could never in good conscience order dessert on the company dole during a meal for which I could otherwise justifiably charge them.

BILL

I Just Flew in From New York

And, boy, are my arms tired! This obnoxious kid just wouldn’t shut up on the plane so I kept smacking him. Left, then right. Left, then right! “Shut up, ya little brat!” Nothing worked despite my exhaustive efforts. Oh well…

BILL

GL Accounts

Private Ledger was mortified upon being drafted, knowing fully well as he did that – even if he succeeded in the military beyond his wildest dreams – attaining the rank of General would only result in endless derision and titters behind his back.

BILL

Will Reese Weather The Storm?

Just prior to her recent arrest for disorderly conduct, actress Reese Witherspoon verbally took on the arresting officer with the rather predictable: “Do you know my name!?” Wouldn’t it have been cool if he had responded: “Yeah. You’re someone paid millions to dress up and play make believe, but I fail to see the relevance.”

BILL

I'm a Football Genius, Years Ahead of My Time

Not only, as I have informed you before, did I invent the West Coast offense forty years ago, a scheme built around short, sustained passes in order to march downfield in a more controlled manner – an idea later attributed to alleged gridiron “genius” Bill Walsh - but I have been venting for well over a decade that offensive tackles should rank much higher in the draft, the position being critical in preventing blindside hits to a drop back quarterback.

Fact: three of this year’s top four draft picks are offensive tackles! And the number one pick overall? The NFL, evidently having heard that yours truly went to Central Michigan University, clearly assumed that only the best play there. Yes, the highest pick in the overall draft – indeed, an offensive tackle - attended good old CMU! Chip-oo-ah!!!

BILL

The Diarrhea of Justin Bieber

Pop star Justin Bieber wrote the following in the guestbook after his recent visit to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." (sic)

Now I’m not saying he’s a terrible person by any means, but his ego has evidently blinded him to the fact that young Anne remains so far above him on any plane worthy of consideration, that it renders it impossible – even within his silly hypothetical - for someone as exalted and sublime as her to ever look “up” to someone as vacuous and historically insignificant as Justin Bieber.

BILL