An Open Letter to the Media:

Unless the body count exceeds twenty, please stop pestering me with your noisome rampage killing stories (Isla Vista, Seattle Pacific, Las Vegas, etc.). They are so 1995. Besides, it distracts me from keeping up with the Kardashians.

BILL

PS: Oh! (Almost forgot.) USA!! USA!! USA!!!


Twitter: @BillBekkala

Open Mouth Advocates I Beseech Thee!

Inspired by the actions of the Open Carry advocates who assert that – in their words: “A Right Unexercised is a Right Lost” - might I ask each of you when at a fast food restaurant and some of these rubes come in, after they place their order and set their assault rifle on the booth seat beside them, walk up to them and exercise your right to free speech by standing there and uttering the word “Guadalupe” repeatedly. Yes, I mean just stand proudly three feet away and – inspired by their example of exercising one’s constitutional rights – utter repeatedly:

“Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe! Guadalupe!”

Then hope they get the point that just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you should do it….

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

That Great Tom Joad speech from 1940's "The Grapes of Wrath"

“Wherever there's a fight, so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. I'll be in the way guys yell when they're mad. I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're hungry and they know supper's ready, and when the people are eatin' the stuff they raise and livin' in the houses they build - I'll be there, too. And if there’s a box of donuts lyin’ about, you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be there, too. “

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

What Kind of Wood Doesn't Float?

Petrified Bulgarian Astor wood. Known for its particularly high density, when submerged in water, it nevertheless possesses a strong ability for absorption rarely found in nature that causes it to sink at a surprisingly brisk pace.

BILL

Cc: Natalie Wood

Ashes to Ashes: A Childhood Memory

It was on the windblown bluffs of Brockway Mountain Drive in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula that this eight year old boy heard his father say, “Yup, this is where I want my ashes scattered.”

“Right here?” I inquired, gazing out across what I had heard my father refer to several times as “God’s country.”

“Right here,” Dad said, pulling over to the side and stopping the car. My father got out and strolled near the edge of one of the rocky bluffs, staring lovingly over the verdant land below. I took this as my cue and pulled the ashtray from the car and proceeded to empty the contents just beside my cigarette-sucking father. Just then, an unruly gust of wind blew the bulk of the ashes directly into Dad’s face.

Man, was he pissed.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Call Me Crazy But...

… I think they should serve pork chops and applesauce at the wake of actress Ann B. Davis (Alice of “The Brady Bunch”). Then again I’m the guy who got drunk at Betty Ford’s wake.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Draught Joke

The Wisers – husband and wife – were stunned at the unfeeling ruthlessness of the playground, learning as they just had that the other kids his age had nicknamed their firstborn “Bud.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala