As He IS The Expert Witness...

… having been tortured repeatedly during the Vietnam War, Senator John McCain said this Tuesday: "Our enemies act without conscience. We must not.”

BILL

She Even Sounds Like an Idiot

(NEWS ITEM)

Fox News host Andrea Tantaros had a somewhat unique reaction to the Senate Intelligence Committee report on CIA torture programs, which included for example forcing hummus into a detainee's rectum and threatening to rape a detainee's mother.

"The United States of America is awesome. We are awesome, but we've had this discussion" about torture, Tantaros said. “The reason they want to have this discussion is not to show how awesome we are;" rather, "this administration wants to have this discussion to show us how we're not awesome." This is because "they apologized for this country, they don't like this country, they want us to look bad. And all this does is have our enemies laughing at us, that we are having this debate again."


BILL

Mavis Loved Chicken Fingers

Till the day she saw a man dressed all in yellow sprinting from the back of her local grocery store, eyes wild and lost with screams to match, both hands splayed, displaying only the bloody stubs of what once were called fingers.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

I'm Depressed

Had a fight with my girlfriend. Got more depressed when I realized I don’t even have a girlfriend.

BILL

Everything I Need to Know About Cops I Learned in Kindergarten

Never resist arrest.

Never resist arrest if you are massively obese and have an asthma condition that might prove problematic when resisting arrest against officers who have no such prior knowledge re your medical condition.

Never try to take away an officer’s gun while resisting arrest.

Never steal an item and carry it in the open prior to trying to take away an officer’s gun just after having resisted arrest.

Never walk down the middle of the street impeding traffic after having stolen an item and carrying it in the open just prior to trying to take away an officer’s gun just while resisting arrest.

Never place your hands up as if to say “I’m not a threat” while having done the opposite for the prior minute when trying to take away an officer’s gun during the process of resisting arrest.

Do I need to go on?

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Thanks For Nothing, WGA!

I had a friend named Red. His last name was October. He got lost once and we all went searching for him. I sold the movie rights to Hollywood and they turned it into some stupid submarine flick.

Idiots.

BILL

I Can Be So Stupid

I just learned that a “cheat sheet” is a helpful hints summary and not the linens upon which my ex-wife committed her numerous infidelities.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala