When Patience Was Not Just a Virtue, But a Reality

Former Dallas Cowboys head coach Tom Landry’s first five years resulted in records of:

1960 0-11-1
1961 4-9-1
1962 5-8-1
1963 4-10
1965 5-8-1

Now you get two years if you’re lucky. (For those not in the know, Landry went on to become one of the most successful head coaches in NFL history.)

BILL

Someone Ruined My Song Tonight

I think it would’ve been cool during Elton John’s 1975 hit “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” if, when he sang “It’s 4:00 in the morning, dammit,” he instead sang “It’s 4:00 in the morning, dammit, Beavis.”

BILL

Take Me Out (to the ball game)

As a security measure, those within the Osama Bin Laden compound not only burned all of their garbage, but any stray cricket balls hit over the compound fence by children were summarily burned as well. For this alone the Navy SEAL Team Six should have killed him.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Make Earth Great Again

Today, I announce the formation of an exploratory commission for my candidacy for the office of God. Our present god – I call him “Crooked God” – is nothing short of a disaster. A disaster!

For centuries, “Crooked God” – despite being all knowing and all powerful – has done nothing whatsoever to stop war, murder, rape, over-population, destruction of the environment, torture, starvation, genocide, violence, slavery, famine, drought, poverty, sexual molestation, “honor” killings and female subjugation. Dare I even mention hurricanes?

Imagine! Being all knowing and all powerful and STILL ALLOWING these things to exist. Talk about sleeping on the job! This of course leads to the question: “Hey, Crooked God, what WOULDN’T you allow to happen?” I, on the other hand, would use all my godly powers to ensure these things never happen.

The choice is clear. Don’t settle for “Crooked God.” Vote for Bill as God. I appreciate your support.

BILL

Try This Some Time

If you ever have access to a circus elephant, bring it into work really early one day and put it in a conference room. Then call in your entire staff and say: “I’d like to address the elephant in the room.”

BILL

Ice Bill

When NWA was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, group member Ice Cube told detractors that rock and roll was about “attitude.” I have attitude; ask anyone who knows me. Can I be inducted, too?

BILL

Blade Runt

I was a resourceful child, grinding down my toothbrush into a shiv to ward off the toughs in school, before realizing I could have just gone out and bought a knife.

BILL