Try This; It's Fun!

When downing aspirin in front of others, pop open your eyes, point to your temple, and declare: “The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!”

BILL

Maybe I'm Missing Something Here

But having seduced the federal government into handing over 170-billion tax-payer dollars into company coffers, has there ever been a group of executives more deserving of company bonuses than those clever rascals at A.I.G.?

BILL

My 9/11 anecdote

We all recall the horror of 9/11, however my tale is a unique one I am sure.

It seemed horrifying enough seeing two airliners slam into the twin towers of the World Trade Center. The fires. The smoke. The plunging suicides. Then, just when no one thought it could get any worse, the nightmare grew before our very eyes as, floor by floor, girder by girder, the 110-story South Tower crumbled to the ground.

Like much of the nation, I was in shock, but as I stared at the smoke-billowing remains of the now felled tower, I turned to a friend and said, "You know what my concern is now, don’t you?"

"The second tower falling?"

"Oh please - hell no - I'm concerned as to whether or not a completely unknown member of the Illinois senate is wearing his flag pin or not."

BILL

A Bright Side

The other day I awakened and just didn’t feel like myself. A few moments later, the phone rang. It was my local bank branch, informing me that I had been the victim of identity theft.

BILL

Non-Marital Bliss

If over fifty percent of marriages, after couples have vowed – I’ll say it again: VOWED - before family and friends, in a church, and with the sanction of the state, “till death do us part” – STILL FAIL, how does that bode for the grim, white-knuckle ride of the remaining fifty percent?!?

Happily single,

I am,

Yours Truly,

BILL
Cat Lover

Ledger Domain

As an Oscar devotee, I took great offense at Heath Ledger’s cavalier snub of the Academy Sunday night by not showing up to receive his Best Supporting Actor Oscar, marring an otherwise pleasant evening and rendering it, if I may be so bold, a dark night for all who bore witness to this graceless gesture.  Perhaps he thought he was above it all; I don’t know.  Either way, it was the height of crassness.  Who does this joker think he is?!?  Trust me: as Hollywood has a long memory, I can safely state that he will never work in this town again.

BILL

If Slim Pickens were still alive, I'd pay him to say:

“Shoot, fellas, we’ll be safer than a stack of Playboys in Frisco.”

BILL