Help! I Need Some Earplugs! Help! Not Just Any Earplugs!

It’s a little known fact that, upon hearing the Yoko Ono sung portions of his 1980 “Double Fantasy” album, former Beatle John Lennon uttered: “Just shoot me.”

BILL

Prison Break You Say??? Sheet!!!

During my days at Folsom, my cellmate Biff managed to pry open the window bars, allowing us sufficient space to squeeze out of our cells, freedom a mere thirty feet down. “Now all we need are some sheets,” he said.

“How many will we need?” I asked.

“I figure four at least.”

“God, you’re stupid,” I replied. “That’s not gonna be enough padding for us to jump onto.”

BILL

What Can I Say? We Were a Bunch of Saps...

Circa 1973, I, my brother and pals made our own maple syrup, huffing it through the north woods snow to poke trees, then checking and rechecking the slowly filling “buckets” positioned just below each “spigot,” then spending endless hours boiling down the sap, all the while regaling each other with naughty jokes around the nighttime camp fire in the backyard.

Alas, when we finally got around to pouring - what had tasted so delicious at the end of our dipped fingers - over pancakes at home, we all went: “This sucks! Give me the Aunt Jemimah.”

BILL

K9 Tales From The Harvard Yard

It is, indeed, a fact that actor Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were roommates at Harvard. Lesser known is that the future Senator once lost Tommy’s beloved dog, Scamp, when taking the poodle out for a walk. Upon hearing this news, a desperate Tommy gathered up as many dorm pals as he could and uttered the following:

“Alright, listen up, people. My dog has been on the run for thirty minutes. Average paw speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of two miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and – most especially - doghouse in that area. My dog’s name is Scamp. Go get him!”

BILL

Feel Free to Mark Twain As SECOND Prettiest

Unless I am mistaken, this marks the first time in history that Shania Twain is the second most beautiful face in a photograph. BILL

Scattershot Logic

While deeply disturbed over last week’s Sandy Hook massacre, I nonetheless refuse to give up my cache of semi-automatic weapons and thirty-plus round magazine clips in the event my militia mates and I must take up arms against the rattlesnake ways of big government. Vigilance trumps a twenty-plus pile of six-year olds.

(Oh! And Obama is a Muslim.)

BILL

Top Ten Liberal Democrat Killing Rampages:

#10
#9
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#5
#4
#3
#2
#1

BILL