I Should Have Read Them My Miranda Rights

Got up this morning to discover that all of the fruit I had purchased last night had spoiled! Yes, what would have been a splendid hat shall never be, so, no, you will not be seeing me attired in full Carmen Miranda regalia today. Screw you, Trader Joes…

BILL

2013 Winner For Best Short Subject

Two porn queens - Jenna Jameson and Sasha Grey - found publishers for their novels. (Three if you count Kim Kardashian.) This being the case, please look for “Bend It Like Bekkala” at an adult theatre near you.

BILL

PS - Or I suppose you could simply go to this link: http://www.cityofsevenrivers.com/

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

For the second time, Scarlett Johansson has been named the “sexiest woman alive” by Esquire magazine. Evidently, I came in second. While oddly flattered, I called Esquire, telling them outright that I am not a woman.

“But you’re just so darn sexy,” they replied. “And you are alive.”

Oh well…

BILL

If It Bleeds, It Leads; If She's Cute, We Don't Mute!

NEWS ITEM: A Colorado judge ordered the partial release of grand jury documents related to the 1996 unsolved slaying of 6-year-old beauty queen Jon-Benet Ramsey.

EDITORIAL: Good God, why couldn’t this poor child have been ugly, sparing us the useless onslaught of these stories?

BILL

Turnin' Coffee

The New England Journal of Medicine reported today that drinking two or more cups of coffee a day has a salutary effect on one’s body. They acknowledged however that – history being a guide – there is a 50-50 chance that future findings will contradict today’s report and coffee will once again be deemed detrimental to one’s health.

BILL

The Daze of Whine and Rubes (Part 2)

(A Follow Up to Yesterday's Offering)

Silly me. I forgot! These are two entirely different situations. With Afghanistan and Iraq we were killing people as opposed to trying to help them. And when it comes to killing, well, “quitting” just ain’t right.

I can be so dense.

BILL

The Daze of Whine and Rubes

As the floodgates open re the problems arising with the debut of Obamacare, dare I ask the naysayers: Where was all your shamelessly weak-kneed, embarrassingly defeatist, wave-the-white-flag-of-surrender, cower-at-the-first-hint-of-trouble, “can’t do” spirit when we could have really used it: like in Iraq or Afghanistan?

BILL