"Atheist Suicide Bomber Claims 58 Lives; Injures Several More!"

I’m just messin’ with you. That never happens.

BILL

Gives Whole New Meaning to The Phrase "Just Joshin' Ya."

As a result of his recently debunked tale of life-saving heroics, USC defensive back Josh Shaw must now face the same scalding ignominy as did I when I fibbed about having ridden on the 2003 Space Shuttle Columbia mission. Man, did that whopper crash and burn.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Take The "Renounce Seismic Retrofitting Challenge!"

In my never-ending zeal to slice the throat of what I deem “intrusive, regulation-obsessed big government,” I am urging friend and foe alike – OK, mostly foes – to take the “Renounce Seismic Retrofitting Challenge.” You know what I’m talking about. Those noisome seismic engineers claiming to prevent future loss of life by shackling property owners with the burden of rendering structures somewhat less prone to, well, completely crumbling during a severe earthquake. You get the point.

Anyway, there is a hilarious YouTube clip of my pal Freddie Flatnow taking the “Renounce Seismic Retrofitting Challenge,” wherein he sat cross-legged on the lawn and we dumped a nine-hundred pound sack of cinder blocks on his head. I’m telling you it was hysterical! Even the coroner guys couldn’t help but laugh at the video.

Check it out on YouTube at “Our-Crush-On-Freddie-RIP.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Grimace When a Song is Ruined

How gorgeous was Sara Bareilles’ moving rendition of “Smile” during the In Memoriam section of the Emmy Awards last night? For the first time ever, I believed the words.

But breathe easy, Kanye West, because what had been the dumbest move of all time at an awards show, i.e. your seizing the mike from Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech to genuflect at the altar of Queen Beyonce, was trumped last night by the intrusive bombardment of audio clips of the recently departed being repeatedly shoehorned into the quieter moments of the song. (My personal favorite? A whoosh of audience applause as comic David Brenner departs a stage which swung in like Tarzan on a vine.) All in all, a classic lesson in “more is less.”

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Self-Righteousness Arose at An Early Age

Well I can recall disowning my best friend Coy Miller for carving Charles Manson’s initials into a tree.

BILL

Contrary to marketing expectations...

… Mister Potato Famine Head proved an ill-advised choice by the good folks at Milton-Bradley.

BILL

(PS: Off next week.)

You're Crazy, Uncle Billy!

Hey, I realize this might well make me the odd man out but I gotta be honest: In the film “It’s a Wonderful Life” Bedford Falls seems a far more hip and fun place once we learn George Bailey had never been born. Gin joints! Jazz! I mean, the place is jumpin’!

BILL