I Drink to You; I Drink Because of You

I once went to a barroom “happy hour” and, dwelling upon my troubles, soon became morose and sullen. Figuring it was “happy” hour, I asked for my money back and they actually gave it to me! This prompted a huge, happy smile on my face, upon which they snatched the money out of my hand.

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

The alleged Tucson shooter now claims he shot “Gabby” Giffords simply because she talked too much.

BILL

All I Want Is a Little Consistency

In keeping with the oft-voiced desire that the more moderate voices of Islam denounce extremists in their ranks - a point with which I am in complete agreement - perhaps some similarly-minded Republican will stuff a sock in Congressman Joe Wilson’s mouth prior to tonight’s State of The Union address.

BILL

"Bill, You Are a Man of Sound and Exemplary Judgment"

Not a day goes by at Rodeo Clown School where one of the guys doesn’t tell me this.

BILL

Touche Tucson

Chat and blog all you want about reasons and direct or indirect influences – if any - behind the Tucson shooter. I’m sure we can all agree on this: had we been forced ahead of time to wager the lives of loved ones as to the political stripe of the next recipient of a bullet-inflicted head wound, all of us – without a second’s hesitation - would have shouted: “It’ll be a Democrat!”

BILL

I Can Be So Crass

My ex-wife once asked me if the black pants she was wearing had a “slimming effect.”

“Yes,” I replied, “but so would taking the turkey drumstick out of your hand.”

BILL

I Can Be So Crass

My ex-wife once asked me if the black pants she was wearing had a “slimming effect.”

“Yes,” I replied, “but so would taking the turkey drumstick out of your hand.”

BILL

A Smash Hit for Gwyneth

Nine years into having yet to be defeated by mightier U.S. forces, the Taliban announced today that they will invite actress – and recent country singer – Gwyneth Paltrow to perform live what they claim to be Afghanistan’s new theme song: “Country Strong.”

In the interest of maintaining spiritual purity however, immediately following her performance they will stone her to death.

BILL

I Was Born With a Lazy Eye

In time, doctors say this quality consumed my entire body.

BILL