A Hold Message I Would Like To Hear

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. (Jazzy hold music rises in volume, then lowers.)

We appreciate your patience. Please continue holding. (Jazzy hold music rises in volume, then lowers.)

We look forward to speaking with you. If you’ll just stay on the line a few more moments. (Jazzy hold music rises in volume, then lowers.)

This delay seems longer than even we expected. Thank you for your patience. (Jazzy hold music rises in volume, then lowers.)

Wow! You are one patient person! Congratulations! Your wait should not be much longer. (Jazzy hold music rises in volume, then lowers.)

OK, clearly, we don’t have our act together and there is something amiss in our procedure. Still, here you are. We’re so glad. (Jazzy hold music rises in volume, then lowers.)

Your patience is akin to that of a saint! And we appreciate that, because clearly we are incompetent. (Jazzy hold music rises in volume, then lowers.)

Have you ruled out that we’re just messing with your head by now? Seriously, I’d give it some thought if I were you. (Jazzy hold music rises in volume, then lowers.)

Clearly, you don’t have much to do if you’re waiting this long to talk to someone. Apparently, your time isn’t that valuable after all. And therefore, why should we value it? Goodbye. (Call disconnects.)

BILL

NEWS ITEM: "White House Releases Obama Birth Certificate"

I can hear the rubes now: “Whatdya think, I’m stupid? He’s the President of The United States! Ya think he can’t get a document faked? Hell, I was watching Jurassic Park and I was seeing dinosaurs. By golly, one of ‘em up and ate a lawyer fella while he was sitting on the privy. Now, I ain’t no rocket scientist, but I know that was a heckuva lot harder to pull off than some dad-gum piece of paper. Go back to Kenya, you commie!”

BILL

I've Enrolled in Mortician School!

Wish me well in my new undertaking!

BILL

Days of Too Much Wine and Roses

It’s a little known fact that, before coming to his senses, actor and hoops fan Jack Lemmon considered naming his son Meadowlark.

BILL

The Good Ship Capitalism Chugs Along Nicely, Thank You

Reality TV star Snookie – yes “Snookie” - of “Jersey Shore” was paid $32,000 to speak at Rutgers University. (Insert your own joke here.)

BILL

I'm Writing a New Book

“Passive Aggressiveness for Dummies.” The pages are entirely blank.

BILL

Not Sure How To Take This

The other day I informed my sons Nestor and Cletus that they are co-beneficiaries of my ever-growing 401(k) account. The next day I found a sky diving brochure on my windshield.

BILL

The Climate Change Deniers Oath

Annoyed by those pesky scientists, I am starting a petition to see how many Americans I can get to take the oath with me.  It reads as follows:

I (repeat name here), unschooled in the ways of climate science, feel I know better - on an issue of science - than the worldwide science academies who assert that global warming is happening, a conclusion bolstered by the absence of even a single scientific body* of national or international standing maintaining a dissenting opinion.

Let’s put these noisome scientists in their place!   Won’t you join me?

BILL

* FOXNews is not a scientific body

Shopping at Trader Joe's Depresses Me...

… for each time, I come face to face with the realization that I am a man too lazy to make a sandwich.

BILL

Whew! That Was a (Glenn) Close One!

I knew things weren’t going to work out between my then girlfriend Zelda and me when, while watching “Fatal Attraction,” she turned to me and said: “Wait, who are we rooting for again?”

BILL