In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell

Whenever I’m in doubt as to whether or not I should give money to a homeless person, I usually respond by saying: “Listen, friend, it’s not that I’m worried that if I give you this money you’ll use it to buy drugs. My fear is that if I do I may not have enough money to buy my own drugs.”

BILL

Good News and Bad News

The good news was that T-Mobile Girl and Fairly Legal’s Sarah Shahi agreed to arm wrestle to see who would go out on a date with me. The bad

news was that I could tell neither was really trying all that hard. BILL

BUMMER!!

They say Food Network chef Emeril Lagasse lets fly his signature “BAM!!” far less when asked, prior to airing, to do the dishes after the show.

BILL

Rush To Judgment

Discussing the film “The Dark Knight Rises” recently, radio host Rush Limbaugh asked:

"Do you know the villain in the Dark Knight Rises is named Bane. B-A-N-E. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran, and around which there's now this make-believe controversy? Bain. Do you think that it is accidental, that the name of the really vicious, fire-breathing, four-eyed whatever-it-is villain in this movie is named Bain?”

(Rare is the joke requiring no punch line whatsoever.)

BILL

Crazy As An Evil Fox

If the Aurora, Colorado theatre shooter were truly insane, he would not have booby-trapped his apartment, for never would he have assumed there to be any reason whatsoever for the authorities to come by. Moreover the timing of it is such that it betrays the fact that he knew he would not be returning home, shedding even more light on his prior state of mind.

So what say we cool it with the stunned, glazed look in your eyes, Jimmy? No nuthouse for you. You’re going to a place called the big house. And you know what happens there?

BILL

Keyboard Mania!

Seriously, I cannot figure out how or why that a phone number “keyboard” and a computer keyboard numeral settings being laid out exactly opposite does not mess up our minds.

Phone:
123
456
789

Computer:
789
456
123

Be honest, did you ever even notice this?

BILL

Come To Colorado Mass Acres!!!

Someone will have to explain to me the purpose of the post-massacre prayer vigils now occurring in the wake of the 7/20/12 Aurora, Colorado theatre shooting. It seems readily apparent to me that “god” – in his infinite wisdom – has already ruled on the matter. What are they asking of him: a do over?

BILL

So What Have They Learned About This Aurora, CO Shooter?

Apart from the extreme unlikelihood that he’s an Obama supporter? OK, hey! Nothing surprises me after the first Simpson verdict, all right? So you’re not going to hear the thunderclap of my jaw striking the floor should we find out the guy heads the Colorado Chapter of Pacifists for Barbara Boxer. But would you wager against me as to his political leanings?

A Life Truth

No one named “Bowel” will ever attempt to change the course of history. BILL

Tales From The Gridiron

It’s a little known fact that former Pittsburgh Steelers coach Chuck Noll was quite the offensive lineman in his day, known for diving on loose balls and making lunging blocks when needed, resulting in an endless array of grass stains. For some time, in fact, his teammates called him “Grassy Noll,” a nickname which endured until late 1963, whereupon, with little fanfare, he insisted they refrain.

BILL

The Brain is a FASCINATING Land!!

I’ve written a pretty fair historical novel dealing with the Manhattan Project yet have no idea how to maneuver about, use, or derive any tangible benefit by using Facebook. I have not, however, ruled out trying to sell an article entitled “I’m Too Stupid To Be On Facebook.”

BILL

PS – I’m not joking. Oh! And the parts I’ve “mastered” only make me feel like a stalker (albeit without the noisome distraction of those restraining orders).

What Was The Little Pothead's Favorite Musical?

Man of La Munchies.

BILL

I Say We Take THEIR Jobs Away!!!

I’m chartering a bus up to Bakersfield early - like 2:30 in the morning early - this Saturday to work in the fields picking lettuce in place of those currently performing this menial labor. Let’s show them how it feels! I’m sure you know at least one person who’s presently out of a job. C’mon, guys, who’s with me!?!

BILL

Baby, I'm Stuck On You

While I take no pleasure in learning that actress Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from Tom Cruise, I doubt this embarrassingly awkward glue incident helped matters any. BILL

My New Business Venture

I’m opening a workout studio for fat guys called Paunches Pilates.

BILL

NEWS ITEM: Michelle Obama Cites Jesus as Model for Citizenship

BREAKING NEWS: “Tea Party Leaders To Convene; Will Renounce Christianity Sources Say”

BILL