What's Bad For The Goose....

The quote from Republican – as if I had to tell you that - Indiana Senator Richard Mourdock was: “Even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen."

If indeed his domain over the universe is without limits, then I would think God feels much the same regarding migraine headaches and male impotence. Senator Mourdock, what say you take your own advice and banish forever from your medicine cabinet your Maximum Strength Excedrin and your little white pills?

BILL

Blowhards All

Scientists predicted the storm currently wreaking havoc along the eastern seaboard.

They’re also predicting future climate change.

But what do scientists know?

BILL

Final Words: A Son's Memory

I smile every time I recall the last words I would ever utter to my father. It was three summers ago when, with suitcase in hand, I turned back to him from behind the security glass before stepping onto the tarmac at a remote Upper Michigan airport.

“I love you,” I mouthed.

Dad smiled, nodding his head, pleased and perhaps even comforted by my words.

“Oh! And you still owe me five bucks!”

BILL

My Novel Is a HUGE Hit With Oprah's Book Club!!

And on national television, Ms. Winfrey wielded her nail-spiked club in viselike hands, repeatedly smashing my book to smithereens, clamoring to the mob-like studio audience cheering her on with rabid gusto: “What I wouldn’t give to have this book be the head of the author who spawned such trash.”

Oh well…

BILL

NEWS ITEM: Trump Offers $5 Million if Obama Releases Records

By now I can only conclude that Donald Trump has a crush on Barack Obama. I mean, we’re into fixation territory. (Hey, there was a lady in college I wrote and talked about all the time, so it takes one to know one. But I was 19 going on 14, so at least I had an excuse.)

So my advice to you, Donald, is this: just call The White House at (202) 456-1414, ask to speak to the President and – if by some miracle they put you through - say “Mr. President, I really like you. Could we like, maybe, you know, go out for a soda or something?”

BILL

Cc: Donald Trump

It Must Drive Lance Armstrong Absolutely NUTS...

… knowing that he has won as many Tour de France titles as Rosie O’Donnell.

BILL

The Day Bill Tied One On

Prior to my father’s memorial service I realized that I had forgotten to bring a tie so, yes, I ended up stealing one from a dead guy. Only now am I truly embarrassed by this, because the tie I stole was the one he was actually wearing while inside the coffin.

BILL

A Heartbreaking Truth

In the wayward days of my youth, I was – to put it simply – a “petty thief.” Yes, prone to thin-skinned moments of ill-temper by even the slightest thing, I also enjoyed stealing shit.

BILL

Could THIS Have Been What Did In Beach Boy Dennis Wilson?

If I found myself this close to being sucked down into a swirling vortex of water and the only person within arm’s reach of a rope was named Rhonda, I’m fairly certain I could not bring myself to summon her for assistance.

BILL

That's Desert Island! Not DESSERT Island!!!

I’m not saying we as a nation are getting fatter, but if they made “Star Wars” today, the characters would be named Luke Frytaker, Chubacon and Obese-Wants-Cannoli.

BILL

Family of Four, Two of Whom Are Insane

The government defines the poverty line as income of $22,314 a year for a family of four. Bill defines having a family when earning only $22,314 a sign of mental illness.

BILL

My New Lance Armstrong Bracelets Are In!!!

“LieStrong”

BILL

On My Next Visit To My Dermatologist...

… I shall ask Dr. Skinner if perhaps I am prone to excessive perspiration. I mention this because I cannot tell you how many times when women pass by me, I hear trailing off in the distance: “Man, is that guy hot!”

BILL

Granted, I Did Not Attend West Point

But if we’re “winning the war on terror,” how come – to quote others - terror hasn’t surrendered? Moreover, if the mightiest fighting force on the face of the earth, which has I believe the defense budget of the next 13 countries combined (or some crazy number like that) has yet to defeat the enemy after over a decade fighting it, why would I ever expect that “victory” is coming anytime soon?

Just asking…

BILL

In The Wake of My Father's Death

I wanted to convey my heartfelt thanks to all who showed concern during this difficult time. Your cards, your letters, your words of comfort, all of these have made me appreciate the fact that so many of you – some perhaps from the bitter sting of experience - truly understand the pain that accompanies the sad discovery that one’s last remaining parent died with hardly any money at all.

BILL