The Critics Agree!!

“Crouching Tiger, Hidden Bottle” is the funniest movie in years!

“I was drunk with laughter,” says Kenneth Turan of The Los Angeles Times.

“I died laughing,” said Gene Siskel.

BILL

My Filmic Masterpiece

EXT. A REMOTE WOODED CABIN – NIGHT

Moonlight shimmers through smoke floating lazily upward from the chimney of a rustic cabin. An orange glow from inside bleeds through the frayed drapes of the cabin’s lone window.

INT. CABIN – NIGHT

Three unshaven lumberjacks, each in long-johns, play cards, their body language evincing boredom. One tosses his cards onto the table. Numerous empty cans of baked beans surround the trio, several atop a potbelly stove.

LUMBERJACK #1
What say we light up our farts?

LUMBERJACK #2
You can actually do that?

LUMBERJACK #1
Sure! Watch…

He reaches for his matches.

EXT. THE REMOTE WOODED CABIN – NIGHT

The cabin explodes, splintering into a million fragments. A colossal fireball rises into the night sky, leaving behind the flaming remnants of what was once a hunting cabin.

THE END

It's Official AND Verified

Granted, it took several days, but my Washington sources – all on deep background - have confirmed that, during the entire time Sandy was unleashing her wrath upon the Eastern seaboard, Obama was wearing his flag pin.

Looks like we dodged a bullet there, folks.

BILL

Happiness is a Clean Shower

True happiness is someone else having to clean it.

BILL

When You Find Yourself in a Hole, Stop Digging

Unless of course you dig all the way to China, in which case you can emerge from that hole, go all the way back to the first hole, look down into it and proudly exclaim: “Hey, look y’all! I done dug me a hole all the way to China!”

BILL

Yes, I HAVE Herded Cats

And it is surprisingly easy to do. I’ve done it dozens of times with several felines, my boisterous “yee-haws!!” managing to corral them as needed. So next time someone says: “Man, that’s gonna be like herding cats,” look them square in the eye and say, “Well, mister, I happen to know someone’s who’s herded cats, so from where I’m standing, I’d say you’re full of shit.”

BILL

Jury Prudence

Next time someone bemoans jury duty, say to them: “Tell me about it. Wouldn’t it be great if we lived in a country where people charged with crimes could simply be rounded up and hauled off to jail without a trial by a jury of their peers?”

BILL

Been Naughty

You know, when the whole David Petraeus resignation story broke, I immediately figured he was simply falling on his sword over the Benghazi incident. Now it turns out it was his sword that got him into trouble in the first place.

BILL

A Nation Has Spoken

Now we can only hope that – per his wishes – onetime rocker Ted Nugent either dies or lands in jail.*

BILL

*"If Barack Obama becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year."

I'm Moving to Alaska!!!

To earn a living, I’m going to sell bumper stickers reading:

“If You’re Not Part of The Aleutians, You’re Part of The Problem.”

BILL

FOX News's Sean Hannity and I Are in Complete Agreement!!!

Dear GOP – Do not deviate from your core principles. Stay the course!

William P. Bekkala
Registered Democrat

Fairness Doctrine

OK, I’ll admit it. I didn’t know who was going to win the election so I had two limericks waiting on the tarmac. Here’s what would have gone out last Wednesday had things gone differently:

There once was a man named Barack,
Who shined best when it came time to talk.
Folks swooned at his prose
But the voters arose
And on Tuesday they told him to walk.

BILL

I Can't Believe I'm Defending Karl Rove

I was watching Fox Tuesday night when Karl Rove disputed their war room’s calling of Ohio for Obama, putting the President over the 270 electoral top. I have to say, I’m stunned by the reaction there has been to Rove, who politely, soberly and rationally stated that he thought this call was simply being made a tad early on the most pivotal state in the election. That’s all he was saying! Moreover, his reasons were sound. When co-anchor Megyn Kelly – who did a terrific job by the way - ventured back to the in house experts and had them explain their rationale, this pretty much assuaged Rove. End of story, right?

Wrong! Now I’m reading headlines about his “melt down,” etc. Excuse me? It was far from it. And I’m no fan of Rove! But the guy’s no dummy. At the time he spoke up, Obama’s Ohio lead was shrinking in real time and there were many uncounted areas remaining. Rove’s was a perfectly logical point. Yes, it turned out he was wrong, as these areas were solidly Democratic, but that’s beside the point.

Melt down??? Please. That’s embarrassing. In fact, I’m now going to register Republican.

(OK, I’m lying about that last part…)

BILL

Wham!! It Just Hit Me!

Why can’t Catholics dance?

“Guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

BILL

PS – I’m a former altar boy, so I can say that joke. It’s in our charter.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

There once was a Mormon named Mitt
Whose chameleon-like ways never quit
In the end, this said mission
To change his position
Amounted to nothing but shit.

BILL

"Believe in America"

But keep your money in the Cayman Islands to avoid paying taxes.

BILL

Hades Ribs Are Delicious!!!

Call me crazy, but common sense alone tells me that the barbeque in hell has got to be way better than that served up in heaven.

BILL

Conventional "Wisdom"

“President Obama promised to begin to slow the rise of the oceans and heal the planet. My promise...is to help you and your family.” Like maybe these families?

BILL