“Do you believe in conspiracies?!”

An impassioned group of Houston, Texas Republicans doubled down on their support of a much beleaguered President Donald Trump yesterday in the wake of what was viewed by many as a disastrous summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, Finland Monday. The group bore signs reading: “Trump & Vlad: Match Made in Heaven!” “To Russia With Love” “Hey, Bob Mueller! Let Russia Help!” “Jeff Lebowski Had It Right: Pour Me a White Russian!” and, to no one’s surprise, “Nostrovia!”

The President thanked the thousands who had gathered to support him by way of a live feed on a giant video screen broadcast to those in attendance. Despite having recently taken flak from members of his own party for his perceived overly deferential treatment of Putin in addition to siding with the Russian President – and thus opposing our own numerous intelligence agencies – in his denials of Russian interference in the 2016 election, the president seemed in good spirits. Beaming warmly to the cheering crowd, he clapped along after first walking up to and hugging a Russian flag that had been placed into the seventh hole of a golf course in the vicinity of the president’s Mar-a-Lago Resort in Palm Beach, Florida. The actual location was not divulged for security reasons.

“You’re amazing! You’re really amazing, I have to say,” the President said in speaking to the throng. “I want to let all of you know - believe me – that I had an amazing meeting with President Putin. He’s an amazing man! Just amazing. And he and I are going to be doing amazing things together. Just amazing. Believe me. Now all we need to do is put an end to this witch hunt!” At this, his customary dismissal of the Robert Mueller probe, the president was forced to stop speaking due to the extreme volume of the roar that emanated from the crowd. Within seconds, the decibel-shattering cheers turned into chants of “U.S.S.R.! U.S.S.R.! U.S.S.R.!,” the crowd seemingly oblivious to the fact that the U.S.S.R., the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, was dissolved decades ago.

“Let me tell you something, this so-called investigation?” President Trump said. “It’s amazing that this witch hunt is still going on. Just amazing. They’re finding nothing. And this Mueller guy—“ at which time a Niagara of boos exploded – “he’s just amazing. No collusion. There was no collusion, believe me. No collusion.”

Some in attendance were even calling into question the validity of the United States hockey team’s gold medal performance during the 1980 Olympics when the college-aged amateurs defeated the formidable U.S.S.R. hockey team in what is widely considered the single greatest upset in sports history.

“The thing about that game that most Americans don’t want to admit,” one red and white clad Houstonian said to a reporter, “is that if they had played ten times, the Russians would have easily beaten us nine out of the ten.”

A resident of Plano, Texas concurred, suggesting the possibility that the game itself never really even took place, putting forth the opinion that what was aired on ABC was nothing more than a staged event comprised of, not only a veritable casting call of hockey players and coaches, but thousands of extras paid to take on the role of USA cheering fans. “I mean, if you can fake dinosaurs in the movies and make them look real you sure as heck fire can fake a hockey game,” she said in defending her position. Others nearby nodded in agreement. The group soon began a chant of “Fake News! Fake News! Fake News!” One man held up a sign that seemed to mock play-by-play man Al Michaels’ famed call of “Do you believe in miracles?!” which came in the closing seconds of the American hockey team’s victory. The sign read: “Do you believe in conspiracies?!”

BILL