Blowhards All

Scientists predicted the storm currently wreaking havoc along the eastern seaboard.

They’re also predicting future climate change.

But what do scientists know?

BILL

Final Words: A Son's Memory

I smile every time I recall the last words I would ever utter to my father. It was three summers ago when, with suitcase in hand, I turned back to him from behind the security glass before stepping onto the tarmac at a remote Upper Michigan airport.

“I love you,” I mouthed.

Dad smiled, nodding his head, pleased and perhaps even comforted by my words.

“Oh! And you still owe me five bucks!”

BILL

My Novel Is a HUGE Hit With Oprah's Book Club!!

And on national television, Ms. Winfrey wielded her nail-spiked club in viselike hands, repeatedly smashing my book to smithereens, clamoring to the mob-like studio audience cheering her on with rabid gusto: “What I wouldn’t give to have this book be the head of the author who spawned such trash.”

Oh well…

BILL

NEWS ITEM: Trump Offers $5 Million if Obama Releases Records

By now I can only conclude that Donald Trump has a crush on Barack Obama. I mean, we’re into fixation territory. (Hey, there was a lady in college I wrote and talked about all the time, so it takes one to know one. But I was 19 going on 14, so at least I had an excuse.)

So my advice to you, Donald, is this: just call The White House at (202) 456-1414, ask to speak to the President and – if by some miracle they put you through - say “Mr. President, I really like you. Could we like, maybe, you know, go out for a soda or something?”

BILL

Cc: Donald Trump

It Must Drive Lance Armstrong Absolutely NUTS...

… knowing that he has won as many Tour de France titles as Rosie O’Donnell.

BILL

The Day Bill Tied One On

Prior to my father’s memorial service I realized that I had forgotten to bring a tie so, yes, I ended up stealing one from a dead guy. Only now am I truly embarrassed by this, because the tie I stole was the one he was actually wearing while inside the coffin.

BILL

A Heartbreaking Truth

In the wayward days of my youth, I was – to put it simply – a “petty thief.” Yes, prone to thin-skinned moments of ill-temper by even the slightest thing, I also enjoyed stealing shit.

BILL