Donald Trump, the Science Chump

POUTus weighed in on climate change on “60 Minutes” Sunday night, acknowledging (I suppose) that the earth is warming, but then immediately asserting that “it could go back,” “knowledge” likely attributed to a random crew member he overheard during his days on “The Apprentice.”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I once caught a puck at a hockey game. Born and bred of noble manners, I climbed over the glass, then slid my way out onto the ice in my Hush Puppies and said: “Excuse me, fellas, but I believe this belongs to you.” The cops at the station later said this was the funniest thing they’d ever heard and simply could not stop laughing.

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort To Spend Eternity in Hell:

It’s been my experience that there are very few problems that cannot be handled by way of a “good, swift kick in the ass.” This notion on my part also led to my nickname “Swifty” back when I headed the pediatric burn ward.

BILL

Lyin' Eyes (NOT the tune)

Dear “Brat” Kavanaugh: Whatever happened to your once fervent advocacy of polygraphs used in conjunction with federal job vetting? It’s vanishing only makes me believe your accuser. C’mon, buddy, grow a pair! Your testicles need not be used solely as impetus for attempted rape. (But don’t forget: She not only wanted to take a polygraph, but passed it as well. The plot thickens...)

BILL

My McDonald’s Job Interview

When I was seventeen, I had a job interview to be the French fry cook at our local McDonald’s. Here is an excerpt from that interview:

McDONALD’S: Were we to hire you, Mr. Bekkala, would you ever help yourself to some of the French fries you were being asked to cook?

ME: I like French fries! What, you don’t like French fries?

McDONALD’S: My question is a specific one: would you ever—

ME: Do I like French fries? Yes, I like French fries. Any maybe I’ve taken some I wasn’t technically entitled to, OK? What, you haven’t?

McDONALD’S: Mr. Bekkala, what we’re trying to ascertain is—

ME: I know what this is all about. This is a hit job, plain and simple. This is a calculated hit job intended as payback for my having worked the shake machine at Burger King. That’s what this is!

McDONALD’S: Back to my question: would you ever help yourself to some of the French fries you were being asked to cook?

(silence)

McDONALD’S: You’re not going to answer the question?

ME: I like French fries, OK? We all like French fries. Yes, occasionally I have eaten too many French fries.


(Now the crazy thing is: They still hired me.)

BILL

Like Father Like Son

In the wake of the Brat Kavanaugh hearings, Donald Trump Jr. has opined that he now fears more for his sons than his daughters, leading one political wag – me – to opine: “Well, aren’t we all light years beyond thrilled not to be Donald Trump Jr.’s daughter.”

BILL

When All The Laughter Dies in Sorry Spectacle:

Even if we assume that members of the United Nations were laughing with Trump and not at him as he claims, this leads to the question: “OK, Mr. President, but what were you laughing at.”

BILL