Smile more often!!!

If you forward this email to seven other people, good fortune will come your way by day’s end!

If, however, you send it to either six or less OR eight or more people, there is an uncomfortably high possibility that you and your entire family will be horribly disfigured for life.

BILL

My New Movement

call me crazy but i think the time has come for someone to take a stand and demand that some semblance of effort be made in bringing back use of common punctuation paragraphs and capitalization in emails not in some schoolmarm slap your hand with a ruler if its not perfect but just enough so the reader can appreciate that some minimum attempt was made to lay lie I get those confused ones thoughts down in such a way that allows the reader to perhaps believe that what they are looking at is not just stream of consciousness because that would be like talking and nobody telling you to shut up and you know how irritating that can be in fact I think you might be thinking that right now while i realize that yanking these golden oldies out of the closet and seeing if they still fit is in some respects a tad cumbersome for those few out there who have chosen not to use these clunky standards of yesteryear reading your unstructured thoughts is the difference between being offered a glass of water and having a garden hose shoved down your throat and turned on full force you simply have no sense of rhythm of rest of pause and to a large extent can’t really pick up what the person is saying even if it might be a question being posed the overall shape of the thought just gets blurred away into a vast alphabetical nothingness and while certain fragments of points can be discerned like spotting bits of corn in a puddle of vomit as the words seem to never stop into a mentally digestible nugget that can be read savored pondered absorbed and then allowed to slowly pass before going to the thought i realize this may come as a bit of a shock to some of you but i really do i really do respect your thoughts and find it a tad aggravating that you well some of you not necessarily you but you as in some of you out there not we as in the royal we have so little regard for your own thoughts that you choose not to corral them within a modicum of organization believe me trust me i know where you are coming from i do however understand the brutal indignity and burden of being expected to send your hand those two inches to the left to hit that barren outpost of a caps key or enduring the unspeakable agony of dropping your finger that far as in south pole far away inch down below to strike that unlabeled space bar the keyboard equivalent of hitting the broad side of a barn with a handful of peas please please mr please make use of this broad target so that i the reader can go oh i get it he she has finished that thought and moved onto the next sentiment for awhile i couldn’t tell there had he finished not finished oh i was lost there and for a moment thought i was looking at the hastily scribbled text that custer had sent for backups who of course arrived far far too late but now i see what he she is doing simply by using the space bar see how it works see how it can make me understand you but if you insist on not wanting to be understood i suppose the real question needing to be asked is why am i dealing with you at all or maybe its just me cantankerous as i can be again please don’t assume that this is intended to you the reader per se but you know who you are i mean obviously we all know who we are but i mean those who actually do this with severe regularity not the regularity like bowel regularity but the other kind of course as in making a habit of doing this these and only these few are the one i am referring to but those who don’t might get my point as well bill

Age Test

Attempting to leave work early yesterday, I spotted my boss and invoked my usual “I gotta get home to watch My Three Sons.”

“I didn’t even know you were married,” he replied.

BILL

And by the way...

… I can do an AMAZING impression of Uncle Charlie from “My Three Sons.” (But only while playing Twister with children under the age of six.)

BILL

"Bill, you are SO handsome, and SO funny!"

As you can well imagine, often I hear these words, to which I respond: “Please, I’m not THAT funny.”

BILL

My Grand Epiphany

As I arose this morning, while the faint traces of a peaceful dream began a swift surrender to consciousness, it occurred to me that, with all the problems bedeviling mankind, we –

(I’m sorry; I have a call coming in.)

BILL

Workplace Blues

Quizzed on a psychological profile - mandatory ‘round these parts for all job interviews - I was asked once if I would rather be “loved or feared.”

“Actually, I would rather be rubbed down slowly in baby oil by Shania Twain,” I responded.

I did not get the job.

BILL

It was a moonlit night...

… when Mother broke the news to me that I had been raised by wolves while a toddler. You should have heard me howl…

BILL

Dammit!!!

I forgot I was to participate in the Alzheimer’s Walk this weekend. Oh well…..

BILL

Good Golly, I even multi-task at HOME!!!

Why, just last night, I was sitting on my ass and watching TV…

BILL

Wardrobe Malfunction

I once heard you should dress for the job you WANT, not for the job you have. So I came to work dressed as an astronaut.

BILL

Two Important Rules for Proper Grammar

Never end a sentence with a preposition.

And never, ever, start a sentence with: “Back in the wayward days of my pedophile youth…”

BILL