Thank You Coors Light!

For your new temperature-sensitive logo that changes from a silvery/white to a vibrant blue when the can’s contents have reached perfect drinking temperature. In the past, “when is my beer cold?” proved quite vexing and the cumbersome hand-touch method* was not only time-consuming but, if the beer was overly chilly, could cause one’s hand to retract dangerously fast, often resulting in spillage or possible injury. Moreover, for those occasions when I simply could not determine whether or not my beer had reached an appreciable level of frostiness, I felt compelled to consult “The Brew Crew,” my trusty cabal of beer-quaffing associates, helping me decide whether or not my beer had attained optimum frosty temperature. Your new can has proved a much-welcomed relief to all of us, obligating me to convey, with heartfelt gratitude, my sincere appreciation.

Thank you again.

*an archaic method wherein the consumer reaches out to touch the can

Thank You, Coors Light!!!

For your new temperature-sensitive logo that changes from a silvery/white to a vibrant blue when the can’s contents have reached perfect drinking temperature. In the past, “when is my beer cold?” proved quite vexing and the cumbersome hand-touch method* was not only time-consuming but, if the beer was overly chilly, could cause one’s hand to retract dangerously fast, often resulting in spillage or possible injury. Moreover, for those occasions when I simply could not determine whether or not my beer had reached an appreciable level of frostiness, I felt compelled to consult “The Brew Crew,” my trusty cabal of beer-quaffing associates, helping me decide whether or not my beer had attained optimum frosty temperature. Your new can has proved a much-welcomed relief to all of us, obligating me to convey, with heartfelt gratitude, my sincere appreciation.

Thank you again.

*an archaic method wherein the consumer reaches out to touch the can

When I Run For President...

… my platform will include a promise to do away with the terms “brouhaha” and “gobbledygook.”

My campaign posters will read: “Bill in 2012. Because Nobody Needs Brouhahas and Gobbledygook.”

BILL

You had me at "Unsquint your eyes"

I would find Renee Zellweger a more comely lass if she didn’t always look like she was staring into the noonday sun.

BILL

"I'll Meet You Halfway"

In my youth, I wanted badly to resemble “Partridge Family” teen heartthrob David Cassidy, mired as I was in my spot on match for doofus bassist Danny Bonaduce.

BILL

My Long Term Prognosis

I have made a full recovery from my operation. Long story short, I had to have 20% of my brain removed. My mood is fine, thank you, my spirits renewed by an intense and sudden interest in NASCAR and rap.

BILL

An Announcement From The Founder of Rube Wear America

Due to the high volume of telegrams and pitchfork-wielding protesters amassing outside our Jackson and Vicksburg stores, we are announcing today that all of our Mississippi locations will remain open. We are, however, discontinuing our 'Johnny Reb' Bib-Overalls line.

Thank you for your continued patronage and, remember y'all, there is a "reb" in "rube."

CEO
Rube Wear America

Focus!!!

Why is it that the only time we really need a clear, sharp, high resolution video image we don’t have it? Hi-def is everywhere! In restaurants, bars, theatre lobbies, even elevators, and we’re usually not even watching it, but if a thief puts two into the chest of a liquor store owner and I’m warned by the local news media as to the graphic nature of the crime caught on tape, shown to me solely in hopes that I can identify the culprit, every single time I see the footage my reaction is: “Good God, Neil Armstrong came in with more clarity than this!”

BILL

You Think YOU Have Problems?

I met this girl. We hit it off. I asked her to move in. I inquired about her not going out for auditions, having informed me she was a method actor. “No, you idiot,” she replied, “I said I’m a meth addict.”

BILL