The Number Are In!

After years of extensive research of online postings along with legacy studies of birthday and mother’s day/father’s day cards, I have determined that there are 205,450,038 “greatest mom/dad ever.” Math itself precludes this from being even remotely possible, as there can only be one “greatest” mom or dad. And these, of course, would be MY mom and dad.

BILL

Things Change

In the 2009 movie “State of Play,” reporter Cal McAffrey (Russell Crowe) visits Washington DC’s Ben's Chili Bowl and appears to be a regular. The scene features the sign: "List of who eats free at Ben's : Bill Cosby, NO ONE ELSE".

(Insert your punch line here.)

BILL

Stupidity Gone Viral

NEWS ITEM: A measles outbreak continues to strike Minnesota as health officials stress the importance of getting vaccinated.
There are now 48 confirmed cases in Hennepin, Ramsey and Crow Wing counties, mostly affecting unvaccinated Somali-American children, according to data released by the state's Department of Health. Of those impacted, 46 are children 10 and younger; 41 are Somali-American; and 45 have not been vaccinated against the disease, according to the data.

EDITORIAL: Thank you Dr. Trump, for opining your skepticism on vaccine methodology. (Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

The Depp Position

NEWS ITEM: In the wake of actor Johnny Depp joking about assassinating the president, the White House released the following statement: “President Trump has condemned violence in all forms, and it’s sad that others like Johnny Depp have not followed his lead.”*

EDITORIAL: “In all forms” evidently does not include when, during his campaign, Trump advocated punching protesters in the face, offered to pay the legal fees of a man who – without provocation – slugged a Trump protester in the head and longing for the days when protesters “were taken out on stretchers.”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

*Source: 6/24/17 Los Angeles Times

Well, THAT Takes The Cake!

Lynne Patton, Eric Trump's wedding planner and former Vice President of the Eric Trump Foundation, has been chosen to lead Region II of the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), which includes New York and New Jersey.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Put ME Into a Coma If This Continues

My concern for someone who willingly goes to North Korea hovers around .001. My desire to have an international incident commence between nations headed by two reality-challenged children with nukes over the same aforementioned foreign traveler hovers around .00000001.

BILL

"Why was there a Civil War?"

So asked our president recently, adding “Why could that one not be worked out?” Yes, staggering ignorance on both the historical and moral planes, topped only by his assertion that Andrew Jackson “was really angry” about the Civil War, the former President (evidently) having said: “There’s no reason for this.”

Actually, there’s no reason Jackson would have said anything about the Civil War, having died sixteen years prior to its start.

(Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Birds of Same Feather

Radio host nut job Alex Jones – who, among other insane thoughts, thinks the Sandy Hook massacre was a hoax perpetrated by the government to seize citizen weaponry and that Hillary Clinton ran a child sex trafficking ring out of a pizzeria - has a fan in our president.

(Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Dear Diary:

America great again Thursday. Not so great Friday. (sigh) Pretty darn great Saturday. OK great I guess Sunday. Not at ALL great Monday thanks to my TOTAL SLOB ROOMMATE!!!!!!!!! (Bummer…) I guess today will be kinda great but who knows? It’s early.

BILL

Good God...

So pathetic to watch this “forgetful,” doddering old man playing the bumpkin card against Kamala Harris, paddddddddddddding his answers to run out the clock, knowing the limited time she has to question him.

HARRIS: What’s your name?

SESSIONS: Well, it’s funny that you should ask, because I go by Jeffrey Sessions, legally, but if you shoot pool with me down at Dudley’s Pool Hall and Card Club on Yokel Avenue, the fellas just call me Jeff. Now, true, I do gravitate toward informality as often as possible – you know, it eases the tension a bit I think – but for the purposes of this formal arena, I would say, my legal name, i.e. the name given to me at birth by my loving parents and as listed on my birth certificate, which of course is Jeffrey Sessions.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

An Open Letter to California Senator Kamala Harris

Dear Senator Harris:

Quit picking on little Jeffrey Sessions! You’re making him “nervous.” I should inform you as well that he hasn’t taken his nap yet.

“Baby, want his binkie? Baaaaaaby, want his binkie??”

BILL

America, Where We Love Our Guns. As for Women? (Meh....)

States that require background checks for all handgun sales see 47% fewer women shot to death by intimate partners than states that do not have this requirement.*

BILL

*Source 4/16/17 Los Angeles Times

NEWS ITEM: “It has been repeatedly reported that he (Trump) is unwilling to read long, complicated briefing papers and that he wants his information short, simple and on a single page.”*

EDITORIAL: This makes his “Who knew healthcare could be so complicated?” line doubly funny. Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: May 17, 2017 Los Angeles Times

Spicy Hot!!

“I’m not firing Sean Spicer,” Trump reportedly said during a White House lunch in March. “That guy gets great ratings. Everyone tunes in.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

"No Vacancy." (No, Wait! Check That.) "Vacancy."

“Many of the office suites reserved for top civilian positions at the Pentagon sit empty or have temporary fill-ins while Defense Secretary James N. Mattis worries about North Korea and Iran.

Treasury Secretary Steven T. Mnuchin lacks appointed loyalists in any of the top 17 spots below him as he writes the nation’s byzantine tax code.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson similarly relies on a skeletal staff to conduct global diplomacy, with dozens of jobs open.

And in the White House, Trump still depends on a communications director who resigned last month – because he hasn’t found a replacement

More than four months after taking office, the president who built his brand telling people ‘You’re fired’! is having a hard time staffing up.”*

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Source: Monday, 6/5/17 Los Angeles Times

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

It’s probably best that Eagles cofounder Glenn Frey died at an early age. Otherwise he would have just ended up a bald eagle.

BILL

It's Not Drafty in Here

Bring back the draft, if only to gain a fairer representation of the population fighting our unending series of wars (with more to come I suspect). While I hold in high regard those who DO volunteer for the armed services, I suspect the “volunteering” is too often their best available option, as opposed to those of, say, a billionaire’s child. (If you don’t believe me, this is what made former Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman’s quitting the NFL to fight overseas such a man-bites-dog story. People of such wealth simply didn’t DO such things.) Put another way, did those jumping from the upper floors of the World Trade Center on 9/11 “volunteer” to jump? Well, yes, considering the other option was burning alive. So, yes, they made a “choice” there. They “volunteered” to jump to their death. A “choice” akin to many – to a far lesser extent of course – “choosing” to join the military. Finally, I strongly suspect our fixation with war would greatly dissipate if all of a sudden, the sons and daughters of the powered elite found themselves coming to grips with the very real possibility that they might get their ass shot off in some remote, foreign land and, if not die, come home to begin practicing jogging on titanium legs.

BILL

Who Cares If It's a Noun or a Pronoun?

“A recent Carnegie Mellon University study revealed that Trump’s grammar in speech was ‘just below’ sixth-grade level, and his vocabulary was in line with a seventh-grader’s.”*

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: 5/26/17 Los Angeles Times (a charter member of The Fake News of America Guild)