Rush to Judgment

Okay, so here's basically what happens. Everything's going along just fine, everything's cool, and then all of a sudden homosexuals say, "You know what? We want to be married," and the people who don't think that marriage is anything other than a man and a woman said, "No, no, no, no. Marriage is strictly between a man and a woman. That's what it means; it's what it's always meant."

Rush Limbaugh, Radio Talk Show Host – June 26, 2013


Okay, so here's basically what happens. Everything's going along just fine, everything's cool, and then all of a sudden slaves say, "You know what? We want to be free," and the plantation owners who think that negroes should never be anything other than slaves said, "No, no, no, no. Slavery is strictly for negroes. That's what it means; it's what it's always meant."

Jedidiah McWhitey, Slave Owner – June 26, 1860


(Satire aside, even this man’s premise is absurd, that being “everything’s going along fine.” Well…. yeah, assuming you’re not a gay possibly pondering suicide because of the disdain hurled at you on a daily basis by the likes of the Rush Limbaughs of the world.)

BILL

As Cletus Calls It: “SCOTUS Hocus Pocus”

Sorry if I seem frazzled today. I was up all night trying to reassure some of my straight couple friends that their marriage is still solid. This did little good, however, with my old Kentucky pals Cletus and Thelma Lou, both of whom got liquored up with moonshine - upon hearing yesterday's US Supreme Court rulings on gay marriage – then grabbing cousin Zeb’s shotgun just before hanging up on me.

They haven’t been returning my calls. I am not optimistic.

BILL

They Hate Us For Our Freedom!

Does that freedom include opting out of any unsolicited offers of being “saved?”

Just asking….

BILL

Stop Me Before I Down Another Chili Dog

With the American Medical Association recently classifying obesity a “disease,” we move ever closer to a prediction I once made that murder defendants will one day be able to plead not guilty by way of suffering from “homicidal intent syndrome.”

BILL

Yes I DO Host Tupperware Parties!

And I can tell you from personal experience that attendance varies depending on whether drugs and alcohol are served.

BILL

The Sweetest Taboo

Whenever I reach into someone’s candy jar, I say: “Well, one more Kit-Kat Bar (for example) never killed a man,” justifying my eating it. Today I reached into a jar of Life Savers and said the same thing before realizing: “Hey! It can’t kill me. It’s a life saver!”

BILL

Two Great Communicators

“A few months ago I told the American people I did not trade arms for hostages. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that's true, but the facts and the evidence tell me it is not.”

President Ronald Reagan - 3/4/87 from the Oval Office addressing the Iran-Contra Scandal


“A few months ago I told my friends that 2 + 2 = 5. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that’s true, but the facts and evidence tell me it is not.”

William P. Bekkala - 6/7/13 from the San Luis Obispo Sanitarium for The Mentally Deranged

Time To Clean Out The Ear Wax

I grew tired of my looks forever being described as “Clooney-esque” until someone pulled me aside and told me that what they were saying was: “clowny-esque.”

BILL

"He Has A Dry Wit"

The gentleman’s way of saying: “He’s not that funny.”

BILL

PS – Actually, I believe this joke itself might qualify.

"I Need My Beauty Sleep"

Whenever I say this, I swear a few seconds later I hear muttered and trailing off behind me: “Boy, do you…”

BILL