If people indeed went “temporarily insane,” the resulting madness-induced acts would fall randomly along the moral spectrum, spanning from the altruistic: “It was weird, I went out and raked the leaves of all my neighbors, most of whom I can’t stand to begin with. I don’t know why I did it. I guess I just went temporarily insane!”
To the innocuous:
“It was weird, I went to the store and bought as many Vlasic pickle jars as I could find, then laid the pickles out end to end from my bathroom door all the way to the nearest Chuck E Cheese pizza parlor. I don’t know why I did it. I guess I just went temporarily insane!”
To of course the outright evil:
“It was weird. I grabbed one of my five AK-47s, sprinted from my cabin, went into town and killed all those people. I don’t know why I did it. I guess I just went temporarily insane!”
Alas, the acts induced by “temporary insanity,” without fail, always fall into this final category.
I rest my case.
BILL
Monday, November 30, 2009
The Insanity of The Temporary Insanity Defense
If people indeed went “temporarily insane,” the resulting madness-induced acts would fall randomly along the moral spectrum, spanning from the altruistic: “It was weird, I went out and raked the leaves of all my neighbors, most of whom I can’t stand to begin with. I don’t know why I did it. I guess I just went temporarily insane!”
To the innocuous:
“It was weird, I went to the store and bought as many Vlasic pickle jars as I could find, then laid the pickles out end to end from my bathroom door all the way to the nearest Chuck E Cheese pizza parlor. I don’t know why I did it. I guess I just went temporarily insane!”
To of course the outright evil:
“It was weird. I grabbed one of my five AK-47s, sprinted from my cabin, went into town and killed all those people. I don’t know why I did it. I guess I just went temporarily insane!”
Alas, the acts induced by “temporary insanity,” without fail, always fall into this final category.
I rest my case.
BILL
To the innocuous:
“It was weird, I went to the store and bought as many Vlasic pickle jars as I could find, then laid the pickles out end to end from my bathroom door all the way to the nearest Chuck E Cheese pizza parlor. I don’t know why I did it. I guess I just went temporarily insane!”
To of course the outright evil:
“It was weird. I grabbed one of my five AK-47s, sprinted from my cabin, went into town and killed all those people. I don’t know why I did it. I guess I just went temporarily insane!”
Alas, the acts induced by “temporary insanity,” without fail, always fall into this final category.
I rest my case.
BILL
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Bummer
My line of Disgruntled Employee Gift Baskets has sunk like a stone at fine stores everywhere. The real bummer is my understandable reluctance to let go my highly enthusiastic and dedicated staff.
BILL
BILL
Thursday, November 12, 2009
If you are what you eat, I'm a vegetable
On my doctor’s suggestion to consume more vegetables, I have increased my daily allotment of French fries, jelly beans, onion rings, carrot cake and pumpkin pie.
BILL
BILL
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I Quaker at The Thought
While I assure you I am not remotely the type, I’m nonetheless still quite certain that Wilford Brimley could actually talk me into taking my own life. Don’t believe me?
“Now listen up fella, ‘cause I got something that works when it’s supposed to work and never fails. That’s right, never fails. Let me ask you straight out. Are you troubled by life’s inequities? Foiled by the fickle whims of fate? Does it bother you when those less talented than yourself reap life’s rewards while you go lacking? Do neighbors take advantage of your kindnesses both small and large? Well, have you considered suicide? That’s right; I’m talking about ending it all. Wave goodbye to life’s unending sorrows and greet the sunshine of a lifeless new tomorrow. Take it from me, Wilford Brimley, it’s the thing to do."
BILL
“Now listen up fella, ‘cause I got something that works when it’s supposed to work and never fails. That’s right, never fails. Let me ask you straight out. Are you troubled by life’s inequities? Foiled by the fickle whims of fate? Does it bother you when those less talented than yourself reap life’s rewards while you go lacking? Do neighbors take advantage of your kindnesses both small and large? Well, have you considered suicide? That’s right; I’m talking about ending it all. Wave goodbye to life’s unending sorrows and greet the sunshine of a lifeless new tomorrow. Take it from me, Wilford Brimley, it’s the thing to do."
BILL
I Quaker at the Thought
While I assure you I am not remotely the type, I’m nonetheless still quite certain that Wilford Brimley could actually talk me into taking my own life. Don’t believe me?
“Now listen up fella, ‘cause I got something that works when it’s supposed to work and never fails. That’s right, never fails. Let me ask you straight out. Are you troubled by life’s inequities? Foiled by the fickle whims of fate? Does it bother you when those less talented than yourself reap life’s rewards while you go lacking? Do neighbors take advantage of your kindnesses both small and large? Well, have you considered suicide? That’s right; I’m talking about ending it all. Wave goodbye to life’s unending sorrows and greet the sunshine of a lifeless new tomorrow. Take it from me, Wilford Brimley, it’s the thing to do."
BILL
“Now listen up fella, ‘cause I got something that works when it’s supposed to work and never fails. That’s right, never fails. Let me ask you straight out. Are you troubled by life’s inequities? Foiled by the fickle whims of fate? Does it bother you when those less talented than yourself reap life’s rewards while you go lacking? Do neighbors take advantage of your kindnesses both small and large? Well, have you considered suicide? That’s right; I’m talking about ending it all. Wave goodbye to life’s unending sorrows and greet the sunshine of a lifeless new tomorrow. Take it from me, Wilford Brimley, it’s the thing to do."
BILL
Friday, November 6, 2009
ESSAY: Love is Blind
Love is blind, or so Lester had heard. Which was fine by him seeing how he actually was blind. Totally. Ever since the explosion. He'd lost sight in both eyes and had been biding his days the last few years literally in the dark. And it was in the confines of his hospital bed when he felt, for the first time ever, the wispy breath of love, arriving to him in the pleasant voice of Lexy, his day nurse at Shakely Memorial Hospital.
It took little time at all to find himself falling for her. The warm, gentle sound of her voice. The playful sense of humor. The disarming ways she had about her and the way, in her every utterance, he found himself so utterly comfortable in her presence. It was a feeling he had never encountered before in his life. Certainly never around his now ex-wife Candace. What a four-year waste of time that was, he thought. Matrimony only led him to spend more time at work and, sadly, that wasn't time spent at the office. It was time spent defusing bombs.
Ever since Columbine, it seemed Lester had spent more and more time defusing crude, explosive devices cobbled together by the conniving hands and minds of disgruntled, acne-scarred teenagers and, wouldn't you know it, one of the nasty contrivances went off, the blast effect stronger than predicted and making such a mess of his eyes that he had lost sight in both of them.
Now, due to a radical surgery that he himself, could barely pronounce, Lester found himself on the precipice of including himself among the sighted. Sure, this is what he dreamed of but it now thrust upon him what he could officially deem a "quandary," for he was now married a second time and his bride of the last nine months was Lexy. Positive he would never see again, Lester did what anyone would: followed his heart's desire. Marrying her in spite of the frequent times he had heard by the many who had met her what a "fine personality" she had and what a "delightful spirit" she carried with her amidst her walk through the world.
Their sex life had been satisfying and abundant and Lester cherished the feel of his roaming hands as they glided over her body during the throes of sexual abandon. Still, the thought flitted about his mind time and again: what did her face look like? Now that thought was all that coursed through his mind as the big day arrived and the bandages were finally being slowly unwound from his head and he would finally see. Or not see. And if he did, what, pray tell, would Lexy look like? Was her name an omen, rhyming as it did with "sexy" or would it become the most cruel of taunts?
"We're almost done here," he heard Dr. Radcliffe say as he slowly undid the bandages.
By now Lester's eyes were capturing faint traces of light creeping through the thin gauze still wrapped around his head. Yes! It was light he was seeing. There were shapes ahead and he could nearly make out the steady motion of the doctor's hand as it wound the last of the bandages away from his eyes.
Lester could see Lexy standing in front of him.
"Well, hello there, Mister," she said as Lester's eyes blinked and adjusted to the near blinding light of the room.
"Oh, my God" were the words that, on impulse alone, dribbled forth from Lester's startled lips.
BILL
It took little time at all to find himself falling for her. The warm, gentle sound of her voice. The playful sense of humor. The disarming ways she had about her and the way, in her every utterance, he found himself so utterly comfortable in her presence. It was a feeling he had never encountered before in his life. Certainly never around his now ex-wife Candace. What a four-year waste of time that was, he thought. Matrimony only led him to spend more time at work and, sadly, that wasn't time spent at the office. It was time spent defusing bombs.
Ever since Columbine, it seemed Lester had spent more and more time defusing crude, explosive devices cobbled together by the conniving hands and minds of disgruntled, acne-scarred teenagers and, wouldn't you know it, one of the nasty contrivances went off, the blast effect stronger than predicted and making such a mess of his eyes that he had lost sight in both of them.
Now, due to a radical surgery that he himself, could barely pronounce, Lester found himself on the precipice of including himself among the sighted. Sure, this is what he dreamed of but it now thrust upon him what he could officially deem a "quandary," for he was now married a second time and his bride of the last nine months was Lexy. Positive he would never see again, Lester did what anyone would: followed his heart's desire. Marrying her in spite of the frequent times he had heard by the many who had met her what a "fine personality" she had and what a "delightful spirit" she carried with her amidst her walk through the world.
Their sex life had been satisfying and abundant and Lester cherished the feel of his roaming hands as they glided over her body during the throes of sexual abandon. Still, the thought flitted about his mind time and again: what did her face look like? Now that thought was all that coursed through his mind as the big day arrived and the bandages were finally being slowly unwound from his head and he would finally see. Or not see. And if he did, what, pray tell, would Lexy look like? Was her name an omen, rhyming as it did with "sexy" or would it become the most cruel of taunts?
"We're almost done here," he heard Dr. Radcliffe say as he slowly undid the bandages.
By now Lester's eyes were capturing faint traces of light creeping through the thin gauze still wrapped around his head. Yes! It was light he was seeing. There were shapes ahead and he could nearly make out the steady motion of the doctor's hand as it wound the last of the bandages away from his eyes.
Lester could see Lexy standing in front of him.
"Well, hello there, Mister," she said as Lester's eyes blinked and adjusted to the near blinding light of the room.
"Oh, my God" were the words that, on impulse alone, dribbled forth from Lester's startled lips.
BILL
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