"Three Billboards Outside Washington, DC”

INSANELY FIXATED UPON STOPPING MUELLER INVESTIGATION

DESPITE ENDLESS INDICTMENTS AND GUILTY PLEAS/VERDICTS

HOW COME, MR. PRESIDENT?

Imagine you're a drill sergeant who just won the lottery

I mean, how do you stay over-the-top impatient, ornery and insulting after you’ve won $58 million? “Down and give me fifty, maggot!! Did I say ‘maggot?’ Man, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Gimme… gimme three pushups, OK? That oughta do it. There you go. All right! Back in line now, fella. High five!”

BILL

Truth in Advertising

If Simon and Garfunkel truly had a sense of humor, they would have released their album "Sounds of Silence" as a record with absolutely no sound.

BILL

Man, I'm an Idiot!!

I just found out the phrase “lickety-split” means to do something real fast. I thought it was a sexual maneuver.

BILL

Security Blankettes

John Brennan, decades long civil servant, patriot and former head of the Central Intelligence Agency, had his security clearance taken away by POUTus for having criticized him. But fear not in this terror-ridden nuclear age, America, for Ivanka and Jared still have theirs.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Trumping Trump

The next time POUTus downplays Paul Manafort’s crimes, saying as he did on Wednesday that all lobbyist and consultants probably do such things, some gumption-fueled reporter should ask: If your daughter Ivanka should ever be brutally raped and beaten can we then expect you to say “People are brutally raped and beaten every day. What’s the big deal? Moreover, what about Hillary’s emails?”

BILL

"Flipping should almost be outlawed."

So said POUTus yesterday, clearly vexed over his attorney Michael Cohen’s willingness to work with prosecutors. Put another way: Cooperating with officials to see that those who violate the law are legally prosecuted should be against the law.

Well, so much for his presidential oath to see that the laws are faithfully executed per the Constitution.

But let’s dumb it down since we are talking Trump. Ask yourself this: Would he be even the least bit agitated if he had nothing to hide?

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

The Child Speaketh:

“He happens to be a very good person and I think it very sad what they’ve done to him.”

This “very good person” is felon Paul Manafort, convicted by a jury of his peers yesterday of eight federal charges. Remember, kids, according to the one man clown car Manafort is the “very good” guy. The “disgrace” is Special Counsel Robert Mueller, who is investigating – among other things – Russian interference with our 2016 election. You know, the workings of our democracy.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

POUTus

The Child revokes John Brennan’s security clearance for “erratic” behavior – by the way, that’s called “irony”, kids – and considers revoking the same for his critics but convicted felon Michael Flynn gets to keep his.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

I bought a mouse pad from Office Depot.

It’s really cool! Got these tiny little recliners, a teensy-weensy fridge for cheese and a 4” hi-def screen that my mice watch “Tom & Jerry” cartoons on every afternoon. They love it!

BILL

Wow! Even I didn't expect THIS!!!

Evidently Trump has requested that a Russian flag be placed on the podium at all of his forthcoming rallies so he can dry hump that one as well.

BILL

Literary Gene? Yes!

I still fondly recall the endless hours I spent in my blanket fort, flashlight in hand, devouring one after the other in the entire series of “Indifferent George” books.

BILL

Rockets Go BA-ZOOM!! Child Gets Wished for Parade

(WASHINGTON – Associated Press) Little Donnie Trump was blissfully engaged in a game of marbles in his backyard sandbox when word was received that he would be able to have a front row seat at the very United States military parade for which he had longed.

“When I came out to the yard and told him the news he was absolutely ecstatic,” said Mary Anne Trump, the six-year-old’s mother, to a visiting reporter. “He was jumping up and down and spinning the propeller on his beanie cap and everything. He almost wet himself.”

“It’s gonna have Army men and jeeps and trucks and flags and bands and guns and rifles and big, huge, super gigantic rockets that go Ba-ZOOM!!!” Donnie said, spearing one arm high into the air. “But Daddy told me no tanks, which I think is VERY UNFAIR! He told me it has something to do with the roads and stuff but I don’t know…” he said, his voice trailing off.

When asked by a reporter why a military parade is necessary in these money tight times, Donnie lifted both his arms and flexed his biceps. “Because we’re STRONG and if you make us mad and stuff we’re gonna STOMP YOU INTO THE GROUND!!” And with that, the child Trump began to walk around his parents three acre yard, lifting his knees high before plunging the soles of his white sneakers into imaginary adversaries, all the while making miniature explosion noises with his mouth, spittle flying, with every destructive stomp of his feet.

“Rockets go BA-ZOOM!!” he again exclaimed. He then suddenly lowered his voice and confided in this reporter. “All the other kids at school and stuff? And people who don’t like me said my parade was a stupid idea. You know, like dumb and stuff. Like that bad girl Omarosa and my used-to-be-friend Mikey. They used to play with me and we’d have fun playing White House but I don’t like them anymore and they can’t play with me anymore because they told stuff on me. And another thing? Another thing.” His voice grew to a whisper. “That Omarosa girl, you know what? You know what? She’s just a DOG!!!” Donnie exclaimed, his voice rising to a triumphant scream on the final word of his sentence. A DOG!!!”

The parade, formally authorized as part of the John S. McCain National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2019 is scheduled for November 10 of this year.

Donnie says it was his idea for the parade. “I and I alone came up with the idea.” My Mommy and Daddy took me to a place called France you know – where they make French toast and French fries and French kissing and stuff – and they had a parade there called the Best Eel Parade – an eel is like a fish but more wigglier - and they had all sorts of COOL STUFF!! And I said I want a parade, too! Give me a parade! And now I’m gonna have one. With rockets, too! Because rockets go BA-ZOOM!!!”

BILL

Kanye Dig It?

Few things have amused me of late as much as Kanye West – who once famously opined that George W. Bush did not care about black people – being asked by Jimmy Kimmel why he thinks Trump cares about black people. And the bloated silence that ensued.

BILL

I've often wondered...

… what the generation who stormed the beaches of Normandy thinks of a generation that actually uses gel-filled keyboard wrists rests.

(Speaking of my cats, they’re doing fine, thank you.)

BILL

Criminal Records

When you burn a CD or download a song for free – you know, the one that fills your heart with joy, gives you a reason to live and may have helped you get through a troubled period of your life – what you’re really saying to the writer/performer is: “Here’s what you deserve: NOTHING! Now get back in the studio and write me another, bitch, cause you are nothing more than my musical slave.”

BILL

PS: Was that too harsh?

So this genie granted me one wish

I said “I want to go to bed with my hot California senator.” Next thing I knew I was in bed with Dianne Feinstein.

BILL

I rub people the wrong way.

I mean that literally. I rub them the wrong way, a rather twisted tendency of mine that often has resulted in reprimands from several HR departments and – a time or two – pressed charges.

BILL

I Don't Need More Cow Bell!

You rarely hear hand clapping in songs anymore. Yeah, I found a list when this thought hit me. I see a Taylor Swift on there and a Lady Gaga and am sufficiently ignorant of pop music today to not recognize a few band names that might qualify but for the most part this list is comprised of performers from “the olden days.” (By the way, it should include “Heartache Tonight” by the Eagles.)

What’s my point? My primary complaint about music today is that it is overproduced, an approach that would almost preclude even the notion of something as simple and joyful as hand claps infiltrating the main instrument mastered in today’s recording studio: the computer.

• 1234 - Feist
• 15 Step - Radiohead
• A Very Cellular Song - The Incredible String Band
• All The Young Dudes - Mott the Hoople
• Another One Bites The Dust - Queen
• Applause - Lady Gaga
• As Fast As You Can - Our Lady Peace
• Bennie And The Jets - Elton John
• Big Bang Baby - Stone Temple Pilots
• Black Man In A White World - Michael Kiwanuka
• Car Wash - Rose Royce
• Cemeteries of London - Coldplay
• Cherry, Cherry - Neil Diamond
• Cold Cold Cold - Cage the Elephant
• Comfort Eagle - Cake
• Compass - Lady Antebellum
• Coz I Love You - Slade
• Cut To The Feeling - Carly Rae Jepsen
• Dog Days Are Over - Florence + the Machine
• Every Goliath Has Its David - The Boy Least Likely To
• Genius Of Love - Tom Tom Club
• Get Down And Get With It - Slade
• Good at Tonight - David Nail
• HandClap - Fitz and the Tantrums
• Happiness - Kasabian
• Heartbeat - Mat Kearney
• Heat - Kelly Clarkson
• Hurts So Good - John Mellencamp
• I Decided - Solange
• I Love A Rainy Night - Eddie Rabbitt
• I'll Be There For You - The Rembrandts
• I'm Shakin' - Jack White
• In My Arms - Teddy Thompson
• Inside A Dream - Pet Shop Boys
• Jack & Diane - John Mellencamp
• Leave Love Alone - Carrie Underwood
• Little Red Corvette - Prince
• Living for the City - Stevie Wonder
• Lollipop - Mika
• Montego Bay - Bobby Bloom
• My Soul's Got Wings - John Mellencamp
• My Wild Love - The Doors
• Natalie - Bruno Mars
• Nervous - Shawn Mendes
• No Matter What - Badfinger
• One More Day - Snoop Dogg
• Paradise Circus - Massive Attack
• Private Eyes - Hall & Oates
• Radio Ga Ga - Queen
• Rebel Rouser - Duane Eddy
• Rock And Roll Part 2 - Gary Glitter
• S.O.B. - Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats
• Shake It Off - Taylor Swift
• Strawberry Swing - Coldplay
• Summertime Blues - Eddie Cochran
• Take The Money And Run - Steve Miller Band
• Talking To You - Izzy Bizu
• Team - Lorde
• That Girl - Jennifer Nettles
• The Chaser - Twin Atlantic
• The Lie - Of Mice & Men
• The Longest Time - Billy Joel
• These Days - Rudimental
• They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-haaa - Napoleon XIV
• Tighten Up - Archie Bell & the Drells
• Try - Pink
• We Are The World - USA for Africa
• What I Like About You - The Romantics
• Where Did Our Love Go - The Supremes
• With Love - Elbow

FOX News’s BRET BAIER: “Kim Jong Un is clearly executing people."

TRUMP: "He's a tough guy. Hey, when you take over a country, tough country, tough people, and you take it over from your father ... if you could do that at 27-years old, I mean, that's 1 in 10,000 that could do that."

(Now let’s do the same but for Hitler, just to see the child Trump’s hypothetical moral indignation over the man we all agree was evil incarnate.)

FOX News’s BRET BAIER: “Hitler is clearly executing people."

TRUMP: "He's a tough guy. Hey, when you take over a country, tough country, tough people. If you could do that at 45-years old, I mean, that's 1 in 10,000 that could do that."

BILL

My “Big Government” Story

In the wayward days of my youth, my brothers and I were directed by my father to apply waterproofing creosote to the new boat launch he had built. At one point, while watching us toil away, he uttered somewhat derisively: “Now, if you were doing this for the federal government, they’d have you wearing rubber gloves and goggles.”

Later that day, as the skin around my eyes was burned to such an extent that for the next couple days I more or less resembled a red-tinged raccoon, I turned to my father and said, “Guess this means I’ll be voting Democratic, huh Dad?”

(OK, I never actually said that but you get my point….)

BILL

PS – Dad thought Al Gore was an idiot….

Talk About Frauds

I nearly vomited upon seeing Donald Trump advocating the need to show an ID – you, know, like when you buy lettuce? – when voting as a means to prevent the non-existent “problem” of voter fraud, all in the wake of his chumming around with Vladimir Putin (who all our intel agencies say contaminated the 2016 election).

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

A Driving Farce

NEWS ITEM: For years, Donald Trump criticized Barack Obama for playing golf while on the job. “Can you believe that, with all of the problems and difficulties facing the U.S., President Obama spent the day playing golf," he tweeted Oct. 13, 2014. But since taking office, the number of confirmed golf outings is Trump 56, Obama 37.*

EDITORIAL: Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: PolitiFact (5/18/2018)