Bud Wiser

Whenever I see scenes in movies where a guy sits at the bar drinking alone, I think to myself: “Jeez, buddy. Buy a bottle, go home and drink alone. It’s way cheaper.”

But then I realize I’m a hopeless drunk and get really depressed.

BILL

Fun With Euphemisms

Inspired by the Bush administration’s euphemism for torture, i.e. “enhanced interrogation techniques,” I have cobbled a few of my own.

Shooting: Second amendment lead insertion.

Strangulation: Non-defensive oxygen preclusion maneuver.

Battery: Rapid close quarter hyper-contact.

Auto theft: Non-regulation vehicular transfer op.

Burglary: Unsolicited possession seizure.

Rape: Third-party preemptive intimacy intrusion.

Gang rape: Multi-party preemptive intimacy intrusion.

BILL

Shoot! I'm Just Dancing The Charleston

With the Charleston bodies not all in the ground, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has just voided his state’s 48 hour (that’s hours, not days) waiting time to purchase a handgun. I’m sorry, but if you can’t wait 48 hours for a handgun and want it RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!!!!!, you want to kill someone.

BILL

Funny Ann Coulter quote:

“Anyone who knows the first thing about military history, knows that there is no greater army that ever took the field than the Confederate Army.”

Now, Ann, I’m going to bet you actually DO know more than me about military history – war monger that you are – so I could well be wrong here, but if what you said is true, I would think we’d be whistling “Dixie” a lot more often than we currently do.

BILL

The Ads Say It All

Few things are more telling about the conservative base and its inevitable change or die dilemma than the number of Life Alert ads on FOX News.

BILL

Another Blow to The Concept of Personal Responsibility

“They were in the house of the lord, studying your word, but the devil also entered,” said Charleston Presiding Church Elder John Gillison.

(Actually it was an armed, hate-filled, racist rube, but we appreciate your input.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

In the Wake of Charleston

Those who display the Confederate flag under the guise of, say, “Southern Heritage” or remembrance of the Johnny Rebs who gave their lives (in support of slavery, they never add) or states’ rights or whatever, need to be reminded that it is NOT a false equivalency to state that one could similarly advocate displaying the Nazi flag for parallel reasons (the Nazis fervent love of country, their stalwart ambition, their belief in something greater than themselves, their dedication to a cause, etc. etc.) What one needs to focus upon, however, is that the evil inherent in “all things Nazi” trumps whatever tenuous reasons one can otherwise list. In the same way, literally killing to sustain the moral abomination that was slavery trumps any of the other “positive” reasons to fly the Confederate flag. (To parse it even further, it’s the same reason the joke “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?” works so well.) One can just as easily list Adolf Hitler’s many inarguably fine qualities. Charismatic, ambitious, a leader, passionate, blah-blah-blah. They all crumble before the gruesome altar of his inherent evil. To actually DESIRE to fly the Confederate flag knowing all this? Truly the hallmark of a racist rube. Fly the American flag, rubes, and call it a day. The Confederate one has no place here.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Bush Whacking

“When they were young, Jeb was somebody for George to torture.”

John Ellis, their cousin in “The Bushes: Portrait of a Dynasty”

(I get it. He’s speaking metaphorically but, lest we forget, George W. would later advocate torture during his presidency. Whoops! My faux pas! I meant “enhanced interrogation technique.”)

BILL

Conservative Love of Liberal Media

Ever notice conservative Republicans ALWAYS use campaign theme songs written and performed by liberal Democrats? (Jackson Browne, Bruce Springsteen, John Mellencamp, etc.) At least until they get the cease and desist order I mean. The reason for this, of course, is the dearth of songs inspired by the flat tax. So thank you, Donald “Comedy Gold” Trump for proving my point once again by using liberal Neil Young’s “Rockin’ In The Free World” during his hilarious campaign announcement yesterday. (Per today’s LA Times, Young stated that Trump did this without permission.) C’mon, conservatives! Give your gun fetish man Ted Nugent the gig. (Oh, that’s right, he’s never written a decent song.)

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

My Mind Draws a Blank

Not the type to get physically aroused by guns, only yesterday did I become aware of “smart guns”, i.e. firearms with the embedded technology to ensure that only the actual gun owner can fire the gun. One thought rocketed immediately to mind: This is such an unquestionably brilliant and ingenious use of technology that the National Rifle Association will simply have to be opposed to it.

(They are.)

BILL

One Side Fits All

Abortion opponents’ fervent concern for whatever pain a fetus might endure is trumped only by their staggering apathy to the prolonged pain a mother endures in childbirth, especially one denied the right to an abortion due to her inability to run the gauntlet of the ever-increasing restrictions on same.

BILL

The Rubes' (Mental) Slips

I’m always befuddled by the rifle rubes – not most rifle owners, just the rubes - who carry, say, an assault weapon in public and when asked why they’re doing so respond: “Because I can!” Leaving aside the matter of just how mentally ill does one have to be to walk about in public carrying an assault weapon in the wake of so many mass shootings, such individuals need to be told: “You can carry a can of tomato paste, too but I don’t see you doing that.”

BILL

How Democrats Can Once Again Take The White House

President Obama needs to announce an executive order forbidding gun-toting birthers from ever blowing their brains out. Oh, what am I talking about? GOP! Just keep doing what you’re doing!

BILL

It's a Small World

But I wouldn’t want to paint it. (A Steven Wright joke.)

My two degree of separation from Charles Manson. A friend of a friend back in the 80s who knew Manson when he did time in the joint.

And having shaken the hand of Vincent Bugliosi at two of his book signings. The former prosecutor is the reason Manson is behind bars. We can thank him for that as well as for being the author of “Outrage: The Five Reasons Why O.J. Simpson Got Away With Murder” and “Divinity of Doubt: The God Question,” wherein he explains that the only logical position re the existence of god is one of doubt. And, finally, “Reclaiming History: The Assassination of President John F. Kennedy,” wherein he chainsaws the conspiracy buffs – of which I used to be a member - to shreds.

A good man, he died yesterday. May he rest in peace.

BILL

Texas Should Change It's Slogan To:

Don’t mess with Texas; We’re already a mess.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala