Tamales, Tamales, I Love You, Tamales

I cannot in good conscience call my third ex-wife a “hot tamale.” Rather, she was a cold, embittered shrew of a tamale, as you would be if you were married to me.

BILL

Wholly Tamale!!!

Years ago, I sampled my first authentic tamale. Eager to try this Mexican Yuletide culinary delight, I peeled off the tin foil, tossed it into the microwave then took a ravenous bite. Seeing the look of confusion reigning over my face, my East LA cohort said “It’s probably better if you peel off the corn husk.”

BILL

Bill's Man Cave

I actually have a so-called “man cave.” It’s cold, drips water all over the place, reeks of mold and the DirecTV reception is for shit. Worst of all, there are bats! Fucking BATS! The guys hardly ever come over any more to watch the game. I’m telling you, these things are WAY overrated!

BILL

I never complain about my life.

I’m always aware I could be working in a slaughterhouse, my boots slipping in the blood and entrails of animals massacred in a state of sheer terror. Only then do I get depressed. I mean, why CAN’T I work in a slaughterhouse?!!

BILL

When life hands me lemons...

… I simply say “Hey, wait a second. I didn’t ask for any lemons. What the hell’s going on?! What fool is occupying your shipping department? What am I to do with lemons for Pete’s sake! You wanna do some good? Send me some peanut brittle or cinnamon rolls why don’t ya? Geez!”

BILL

The Sound of Silence

The power of sound in film has never been better exemplified than in the 1979 film “Norma Rae.” The scene forever branded into mind is near the end, when a defiant (and Oscar-winning) Sally Field scrawls out a message on a piece of cardboard, then stands atop a table, holding the sign up for everybody in the sweatshop to see, slowly pivoting 360. One by one, the gratingly loud mill machines – which have tormented our ears every time we are here – are turned off until, at long last, utter silence fills the shop. The message she scrawled out of course was: “I have a f*cking migraine.”

BILL

"I'm going to do anything to protect my reputation."

So says talk show host Tavis Smiley, taking umbrage at PBS stopping distribution of his show in the wake of sexual harassment allegations. Does “anything” include a lie detector test, Tavis? Because, if not, well, you know….

BILL

Try This Sometime:

Walk up to an armored car parked along the side of the street, reach through the five inch diameter hole in the side of the driver’s door and , with an enthusiastic, “goochie-goochie-goo!” – tickle his tummy. I do this from time to time and I can’t help but think it makes his day. One time this short black tube emerged – I guess his arm wouldn’t fit – and I think it was his way of saying: “Back at ya, buddy!”

BILL

Capital Crime

I hate when I type an email to a friend and, near the very end, suddenly realize that I’ve been typing in full caps the entire time. I usually just leave the message as is and figure, screw it, let him thing I’m pissed.

BILL

Layla Land

I think if Eric Clapton performed at an NRA convention and DIDN’T play “Layla” he would later be described by the coroner as “the single deadest man I’ve ever seen.”

BILL

My Upcoming Emeritus Years

When I’m old, feeble and incontinent I think I’d like to just be shoved out onto an Arctic ice floe and left to drift, then die. You know, like some frat house initiation prank.

BILL

The Man Who Wasn't In The Voting Booth

The ACLU gave an award to former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, a man who never votes. (I suppose you’re right, Colin, there’s no difference AT ALL between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.) Perhaps the American Civil Liberties Union needs to be reminded that those “civil liberties” came about by way of democracy. You know: voting.

BILL

Dispatches From The War on Christmas

Monday: Smoke billows upward in endless curls along the horizon while my beleaguered ears grow used it seems to the muffled rhythm of cannon-fire in the distance. I’m afraid the situation can now be described only as bleak. Rumors are rampant that the liberals have been kidnapping portly white haired gentlemen, binding their hands behind them, then hanging them from telephone poles, but not before hoisting signs around their necks reading “Ho-ho-ho,” as if taunting the very name of Christmas. I have yet to verify this with my own eyes however. Hurried, chaotic whispers in the streets claim the rebels might be making inroads against the godless bastards to the east, but who knows what to believe at this juncture? Field hospitals are packed with bullet-riddled rebels and, of course, the battered but still-clinging-to-life wounded of anyone caught watching FOX News. Supply lines have been cut off and I fear all may be lost. Pray for me.

Tuesday: My platoon came upon a cabin just outside of town. Seeing smoke emanating from the chimney, we checked it out. Sure enough, there were stockings hanging by the fireplace. White lace. Victoria’s Secret. Bastards. Is nothing sacred?

Wednesday: Good news! We have captured a spy among our ranks! I myself had suspicions about him from day one when he told me his son was named Sean (after Hannity). Following a brief infliction of a new interrogation technique – namely a tape of Gilbert Gottfried singing “Oh, Holy Night” – we learned that he was assigned by his Field Marshal to a regiment dedicated solely to poinsettia eradication. He stubbornly adhered to only this story when we threatened him with a second bout of Gilbert, at which time he completely broke, spilling his guts out about caroling sheet music theft squadrons, tinsel burning, Christmas tree-farm poisonings and the veritable SS of the opposition: manger vandalism. This is a major coup on our part, one that should infuse our dwindling ranks with some semblance of hope.

Thursday: Rumor has it that anyone seen wearing red and white is shot on sight. I tried to convey this to a clueless, hard-of-hearing geriatric clad in the verboten colors but all he did was stare back at me, confusion reigning in his sunken, dim bulb eyes. Heard later the old codger didn’t make it. Yesterday, a decoded message informed us that that our enemy has become even more ruthless, declaring that anyone found wearing a Santa hat is to be decapitated on the spot, their torso-bereft head then mounted like a star atop twelve-foot pine trees scattered throughout village squares. “Lets Charlie know who did this,” the message read, whatever the hell that means.

Friday: A brief respite from otherwise plummeting morale occurred with a much welcomed truckload of, granted, somewhat stale Christmas-Cookies-Ready-to-Eat (CCREs). Smiles abounded - if only for a spell - somewhat vanquishing the thousand-yard stares that inhabit the eyes of most every newbie. (Seems like a lifetime ago for me.) Some of us even found ourselves sipping the ultimate contraband, spiked eggnog, and singing “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” Darned if we didn’t feel better.

Saturday: Too shattered to share any details of what they’re calling midnight massacre. Safe to say it was gruesome.

Sunday: Hearing the relentless grind of tanks growing louder, I feel Christmas will fall very soon. This being so, it seems the height of folly to purchase gifts this year. But, hey, look at all the money I’ll save! Ho-ho-ho!!!

BILL

Ode to Days Gone By

TEDDY ROOSEVELT (1910) – “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

IF TRUMP SPOKE ON THE SAME SUBJECT: “I hate critics, you know? Hate them. I mean, really, when I think of what they do, it just—I want to, like, smack them one. Am I right? Right? I get these guys—they have their media elite badge in their back pocket and they think they know everything. Well, trust me, they don’t. Trust me on this, OK? I know what I’m talking about. Let’s see if they can do what I’ve done. Build big building. I’m talking big buildings. You know, like really big. BIG I’m talking. But these guys? Get outta here. Take a hike, pal!”

BILL

The Last Supper?

Now our closest ally, Great Britain, is considering not inviting his clown-ness due to his recent retweeting British far-right anti-Muslim videos.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Actions Have Consequences

If your Southern California home has burned to the ground and you have lost everything you have ever owned, you have my complete, sincere and heartfelt sympathy, unless of course you voted for someone who said science-backed climate change, one of the predicted and – by golly gee – present symptoms of which is greater, more frequent and more severe droughts and the wildfires sure to follow, is a hoax perpetrated upon us by the Chinese, well, you do the math.

BILL

The Cloak of Innocence

Remember, kids, “innocent until proven guilty” only applies to courtrooms, not conversations, so until you start screaming at the top of your lungs “I’ll pay for lie detector tests for myself and my accusers!!” well, Roy Moore, I’ll just assume you volunteered to sit at the kiddie table every Thanksgiving even if Aunt Estelle didn’t overbook.

BILL

The Great Negotiator

“While Democrats were Trump’s targets on Tuesday, Congressional Republicans also have felt the sting of the president’s sometimes capricious style and tweets. The result is that, over Trump’s first year, many lawmakers in both parties are left distrustful of him as a negotiating partner.”*

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

* Source 11/29/17 Los Angeles Times

"Former Trump Adviser Flynn to Plead Guilty to Lying to FBI"

As Flynn himself enjoyed leading the crowd in a chant: “Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up!”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

PocaBonus

In addition to using the term “Pocahontas” in a truly uncalled for slam at a sitting U.S. Senator during a ceremony to honor WW II Navajo code-talkers, Trump’s ineptitude also included the ceremony taking place directly in front of a portrait of American Indian killer (or “American killer” if you will) Andrew Jackson.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

More Foxes Guarding The Hen House

Donald Trump has chosen Mick Mulvaney to head the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, whose very existence Mulvaney wants to end and which he has labeled “a sick, sad joke.”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

"They call her Pocahontas,”

... the dimwit said in the presence of American Indian WW II honorees. Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration. Doesn’t matter though. The rubes still love him. Which is why I call them rubes.

BILL

I Once Beat Prince In An Arm Wrestle.

OK, that was a lie, meaning both Donald Trump and I are liars.

(The preceding has been an example of a false equivalency. I’m here to help.)

BILL

Joke Was on Me I Guess

So there I am in 1966 spray painting the wall of an underground station in London, seething with anger against my nemesis Eric and fully ready to write “Clapton is Goddamn Crazy if He Thinks He Plays Guitar Better Than Me!” when suddenly the cops show up and I had to sprint the hell outta there.

BILL

Go see the EXCELLENT "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri"

You know a movie is good if it’s actually called "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.”

BILL

Poor Defense

And, please, I’m getting kind of tired of the UCLA basketball thieves stating they made a “mistake.” A mistake is when you drop a pass; a choice is when you refuse to reach out to grab it. This was not one of them impulsively pilfering a pair of high-end sunglasses and his mates refusing to squeal on him. This was premeditated behavior at three different stores. Get a clue, lads.

BILL

Charlie* Don't Surf

Or breathe for that matter. Ding-dong, the wicked prick is dead.

BILL

* Manson for the ill-informed.

Now THAT'S Senatorial Courtesy!

There’s something woefully demented to not only be thrust into a diva-level tizzy by, but to publically call for the firing of people who quietly kneel during a song, then having no comment whatsoever on the subject of a near certain pedophile joining the ranks of the most deliberative political body in our government.

Or as I like to say: Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump administration.

BILL

Heard It Through The Gripe Vine

The President’s Chief-of-Staff, John Kelly, does not follow his boss’s primary method of communicating with the world, i.e. Twitter, which would include repeated taunting of a sociopathic nut job with nukes.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Pro Bonehead

Brett J. Talley, President Trump’s nominee to be a federal judge in Alabama, has never tried a case, was unanimously rated “not qualified” by the American Bar Association’s judicial rating committee and has only practiced law for three years. Or as I like to say: Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

Dear Washington Post:

When Roy Moore sues you, make sure you use in court that when Moore denied an incident happened, he used the phrase “about something that happened forty years ago.”

BILL

Life Itself is Funny Enough I Guess

I’ve never seen an episode of “Friends” or “Will and Grace” or “Roseanne.” There must be something wrong with me. (I mean apart from the usual.)

BILL

Worshiping The Packers

In the wake of Sutherland Springs, when “Crooked God” once again dropped the ball and allowed those praising him to be slaughtered like the proverbial sheep - double pun intended – there is increasing chatter about parishioners bringing guns to church for protection. This is beyond absurd, for the definition of a Christian is one who follows the teachings and precepts of Christ. Not only did Jesus never carry so much as a knife, he uttered things like “He who lives by the sword dies by the sword.” This being so, to be packing in church – or to own any (non-hunting) weapon at all really – invariably means you worship someone whose judgment you deem to be less sound than your own. And I believe this meets the technical definition of “Hahahahahahahahaha!!!”

BILL

Some Headlines Don't Even Need a Punch Line

“Donald Trump 'tells Japanese emperor mass shootings can happen anywhere' — in country with no mass shootings.”

(OK, maybe one: Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Billy Buzz Kill's Bad Boys

A change of pace. Here, in no particular order, are a few of my all-time favorite movie villains, Ms. Hamilton taking the prize. (I distinguish between villain and opponent. For example, one of the all-time great OPPONENTS in a film is James Mason in “The Verdict,” but he is by no means a “villain” per se.)

Gary Oldman - The Professional
Andy Robinson - Dirty Harry
Margaret Hamilton - The Wizard of Oz
Bob Gunton - The Shawshank Redemption
Bradley Cooper - Wedding Crashers
Heath Ledger - The Dark Knight
Bruce Dern – The Cowboys
Dennis Hopper - Blue Velvet
Alan Rickman – Die Hard
Louise Fletcher – One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

BILL

PS: Yeah, I get it. I’m old.

While This Guitar Listener Gently Weeps

Whenever a musician hops onto my subway train, then begins to strum away and sing, I say to him: “It’s music I love, not a musical raping of my ears.”

BILL

We Weren't a Very Close Family

In fact, my favorite song was “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s a Bother.”

BILL

Remedial Reading Coarseness

Few things entertain me as much as watching Donald Trump read aloud, yesterday twice fumbling over the word “diversity,” his monumentally mediocre mind struggling like a cat ensnared in a burlap bag to attain the vaunted heights of his intellectual braggadocio, yet falling short once again.

BILL

Board Games

I’m always amused by those who find Halloween morally detestable due to its gruesome images, a loathing particularly ironic in that they tend to worship at the icon of a man impaled with spikes through both hands and feet to two boards and left to die there.

BILL

Not to say I'm a weird guy...

… but I had to be told Pennywise the Dancing Clown was the bad guy after seeing “It.”

BILL

UH!!! I CANNOT sleep of late!

I keep worrying if someone is kneeling during a song.

BILL

Today I Painted The Baby's Room!!!

Which is really weird because I don’t have a baby.

BILL

I have a love-hate relationship with many people.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I love hating them.

BILL

Bye-Bye Bird Feeder

I bought a bird feeder once but then soon realized I missed the days of chewing up the food then spitting it into their little beaks.

BILL

I'm So Stupid

I just found out the “casting couch” is not about fly-fishing.

BILL

"I'm, like, a really smart person."

It’s the “like” that makes this Trump quote stand out among so many of the other truly stupid ones.

BILL

Let's Keep Our Priorities Straight, People.

I haven’t told anyone this until today but I was in Vegas during the mass shooting and as the bullets started to fly I said to myself: “Don’t worry, Bill. I’m sure Obama is wearing his flag pin.” Naturally, I went unscathed.

BILL

By George, Orwell Was On To Something!

Less than 1% of Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt's meetings are with environmental groups, per a CNN report. Now imagine if there was a Rape Prevention Administration and the head of it spent 99% of his time with rapists. Were that so, you would have a little thing I like to call: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Gunning for a Record

More Americans have died from guns in the last fifty years than have died in every war since the American Revolution.*

Wellllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

BILL

*Source: PunditFact

"It's funny to hear a female talk about routes"

This is what Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton recently said during a press conference. Perhaps you need to hear it from a diehard liberal, Hillary voter, staunch advocate for equal pay and rights for women and one who has been pro-choice his entire life: Cam Newton was simply telling the truth. When you have been surrounded by males on the football field your entire life and the people with whom you discuss your trade have always been male, when a woman asks you a detailed question on passing routes – strap yourself in, snowflakes – guess what? It’s kind of funny. At a bare minimum it’s “amusing” simply because it’s so atypical. He didn’t berate her or her question. He didn’t question her legitimacy in being there or her knowledge of the game. He simply commented that in the oddness that is rightfully becoming less odd as time goes by, i.e. women’s presence in major professional sports, he’s still working on getting there.

Furthermore, as Dennis Miller once said: “That’s why we call it a sense of humor.” You don’t think about it. You don’t weigh and consider it. You don’t inform the person who just told you a joke “Let me ponder this and get back to you as to what I deem the proper level of laughter to which it should be entitled.” You either laugh or you don’t. (No less an expert than Jackie Gleason said that last line, by the way.)

Finally, to blow a gasket over this tiny perceived infringement only hurts the cause of those fighting against the more blatant instances of sexual harassment that occur every day. I’ll dumb it down for some: equality for women is now further away than it was a few days back. Congratulations.

BILL

My Thoughts on "Thoughts & Prayers"

In the wake of the Vegas massacre and to better plan for the next one sure to come, I’d like to address the always predictable Republican response of “sending out thoughts and prayers” instead of helping bring about reasonable gun restrictions. I have stated in the past that “thoughts, prayers and $2.50 will get you a cup of coffee at The Cheesecake Factory” but allow me to go further in showing you how utterly worthless they truly are by appealing to the capitalist in all of us. You cannot sell your thoughts and prayers. Not even for a buck. I know what you’re thinking: “Bill, how would I know if they actually sent out their thoughts and prayers on my behalf?” Answer: Do this with your closest – and preferably religious - friends whose sincerity you completely trust. Go up to them and say “Hey, fellas, for a buck I’ll send out some thoughts and prayers on your behalf.”

See if you get any takers.

And, as a bonus: We can safely assume about 20,000 very similarly worded prayers were being sent skyward simultaneously Sunday night. How’d that work out for y’all?

I’m here to help.

BILL

More on Donald Trump

The funniest thing about the news report that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson – at a meeting of Pentagon and White House officials - referred to the president as a “f*cking moron” is that no one present replied: “Hey! Come on now; he is not a moron.”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

The Chinese Curse

A strong case can be made that the fate of the planet as well as its very history from the dawn of man rests in the hands of a pair of dim bulb, reality-challenged bully children. If there is a god, he’s got one wacky sense of humor.

BILL

You Don't Get To Live Like a Refugee (How Petty of Them)

“The administration also ended the Central American Minors refugee program that was designed to help children from El Salvador, Guatemala and Honduras facing persecution at home to be united with family members in the United States.”*

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration)

BILL

* Source: 9/28/17 Los Angeles Times

Fake Praise

Trump touting his presidential “achievements” reminds me of the days when the old USSR via Pravda would do the same. Meanwhile, Soviet citizens would be asking: “If things are so great, why am I standing in a bread line for three hours?”

BILL

What Can I say? We're HOT!!!

My fellow arsonists and I are demanding equal time when it comes to calendars. True, firemen tend to be more buff, but we’re still an attractive lot. And bright!

BILL

Other Than That, Mrs. Lincoln...

Every time Little Donnie praises our 16th president he remains blissfully unaware that, were he alive today, Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth would have unquestionably voted for Trump.

BILL

Poor-to Rico

While Little Donnie fumes repeatedly on Twitter this weekend about NFL players, he completely ignores the millions of helpless U.S. citizens suffering in Puerto Rico post hurricane. As previously stated, the man is a sociopath.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

"Rocket Man" and Other 70's Pop Tunes

I’m getting worried - living in coastal Los Angeles - as it’s been reported that the President of North Korea was heard singing “There’s a nukin’ in town.”

BILL

Call Me "Dollar Bill"

Desiring to become more popular at work, rather than a candy jar I have placed upon my desk a mirror, a razor and some high-grade cocaine.

BILL

How to Make an Armored Truck Driver Laugh

When he goes by, look at him through that thick, tinted glass and stick out your thumb as if hitchhiking.

He’ll laugh. I’ve tried it.

BILL

Whenever You Start Bemoaning Your Life...

… recall the two turning points in the life of labor activist “Mother” Jones. The first was the death of her husband George and their four children, three girls and a boy (all under the age of five) in 1867, during a yellow fever epidemic in Memphis. After that, she returned to Chicago to begin a second dressmaking business. Then, four years later, she lost her home, shop, and possessions in the Great Chicago Fire.

(Feel better?)

BILL

When Patience Was Not Just a Virtue, But a Reality

Former Dallas Cowboys head coach Tom Landry’s first five years resulted in records of:

1960 0-11-1
1961 4-9-1
1962 5-8-1
1963 4-10
1965 5-8-1

Now you get two years if you’re lucky. (For those not in the know, Landry went on to become one of the most successful head coaches in NFL history.)

BILL

Someone Ruined My Song Tonight

I think it would’ve been cool during Elton John’s 1975 hit “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” if, when he sang “It’s 4:00 in the morning, dammit,” he instead sang “It’s 4:00 in the morning, dammit, Beavis.”

BILL

Take Me Out (to the ball game)

As a security measure, those within the Osama Bin Laden compound not only burned all of their garbage, but any stray cricket balls hit over the compound fence by children were summarily burned as well. For this alone the Navy SEAL Team Six should have killed him.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

Make Earth Great Again

Today, I announce the formation of an exploratory commission for my candidacy for the office of God. Our present god – I call him “Crooked God” – is nothing short of a disaster. A disaster!

For centuries, “Crooked God” – despite being all knowing and all powerful – has done nothing whatsoever to stop war, murder, rape, over-population, destruction of the environment, torture, starvation, genocide, violence, slavery, famine, drought, poverty, sexual molestation, “honor” killings and female subjugation. Dare I even mention hurricanes?

Imagine! Being all knowing and all powerful and STILL ALLOWING these things to exist. Talk about sleeping on the job! This of course leads to the question: “Hey, Crooked God, what WOULDN’T you allow to happen?” I, on the other hand, would use all my godly powers to ensure these things never happen.

The choice is clear. Don’t settle for “Crooked God.” Vote for Bill as God. I appreciate your support.

BILL

Try This Some Time

If you ever have access to a circus elephant, bring it into work really early one day and put it in a conference room. Then call in your entire staff and say: “I’d like to address the elephant in the room.”

BILL

Ice Bill

When NWA was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, group member Ice Cube told detractors that rock and roll was about “attitude.” I have attitude; ask anyone who knows me. Can I be inducted, too?

BILL

Blade Runt

I was a resourceful child, grinding down my toothbrush into a shiv to ward off the toughs in school, before realizing I could have just gone out and bought a knife.

BILL

Clueless in London

Well, I finally read the last of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes series and – I must admit – was greatly surprised when, near the end of the final book, Holmes screams at his assistant, Watson: “Good Christ, you’re an idiot!! You are so colossally stupid!! Why?! Why do I hang out with you!!!”

BILL

Scientists and engineers. You know: "alarmists."

“Houston is built on what amounts to a massive flood plain, pitted against the tempestuous Gulf of Mexico and routinely hammered by the biggest rainstorms in the nation. It is a combination of malevolent climate and unforgiving geology, along with a deficit of zoning and land use controls, that scientists and engineers say leaves the nation’s fourth most populated city vulnerable to devastating floods like the one caused this week by Hurricane Harvey.”*

BILL

* Source: 8/29/17 Los Angeles Times

Floody Waters

When President Trump released his proposed budget earlier this year, it included cuts across the board — including hundreds of millions from programs that help Americans cope with disasters like Hurricane Harvey.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

“To the moon, Alice!”

Last Friday, Bill Maher semi-jokingly stated that the statue outside Manhattan's midtown Port Authority Bus Terminal of the Ralph Kramden character played by Jackie Gleason in “The Honeymooners” should be removed due to Kramden’s frequent threats of violence against his wife by way of clenching his fist and yelling “To the moon, Alice!” The fallacy here is twofold. For one, what made it so funny was that we knew in our hearts Ralph would never lay a hand on Alice. Moreover, we sensed as well that he would pummel to death anyone who would harm a hair on her head.

BILL

Stellllllllllllaaaa!!!

Watching those clips of Trump essentially stalking Hillary during their second debate, I kept thinking how at home he would have looked with a can of beer in one hand while wearing a wife beater and scratching his prodigious belly.

BILL

In Football Terms This is The Ol' Statue of Slavery Play

Hey, who doesn’t love our president coming to the defense of keeping the statues of those who committed treason and who were willing to kill to keep slavery?

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Borderline Stupid

“Five days after President Trump took office, he signed an executive order that promised a swift crackdown in illegal immigration, immediate construction of a massive border wall, quick hiring of 5,000 new Border Patrol agents and stepped up deportation of illegal immigrants.

Seven months later, construction of the wall has yet to begin, the number of Border Patrol agents has actually dropped by 220, and immigration agents are on track to deport 10,000 fewer people this year than President Obama’s last year in office, the latest figures show.” *

(L&G, TTA.)

* Source: 8/20/2017 Los Angeles Times

BILL

Phraseology

I didn’t coin the phrase “Less is more.” I coined “What the hell are you people talking about!? How can less be MORE? You’re crazy!”

BILL

Chinese Food for Thought

My parents honeymooned in China. I was born nine months later. I am, therefore, literally made in China.

BILL

Dear Mr. President:

George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were not traitors to their country like Robert E. Lee, so, no, we have no intention of tearing down their monuments. Try reading a history book. I’m here to help.

Sincerely,

William P. Bekkala

Great Moments in History

“I saw what happened at Normandy. You had German soldiers peacefully, quietly ensconced in their machine gun nests and, for no good reason – excuse me, excuse me - suddenly out of nowhere there are dozens if not hundreds of these small landing crafts making their way to the beaches. If you looked closely - and obviously none of you did – you would see that every single person, yes, every single person in that invading, yes, invading force was armed. Do you think they were coming by to bring a Bundt cake? I don’t think so. Why do you think they were storming that beach? Excuse me, excuse me - there was one Nazi sitting up there, I heard he was quietly eating an apple. A quite harmless, very nice man. Maybe he was writing a letter home to his parents because there are some very nice people there I’m sure. But suddenly, as Tom Hanks and Tom Sizemore and others start invading this piece of land that these Germans are defending, the Germans are forced to start shooting. What other choice do they have? Excuse me, excuse me.”

(You get the point…)

BILL

Praise From Caesar

The Daily Stormer, a neo-Nazi website, wrote that the “Trump comments were good. He didn’t attack us.”

(L&G, TTA.)

BILL

Doing The Charleston*

In these bitter, contentious days, it’s important to find common ground where and when we can, and I have little doubt all of us know in our heart of hearts that James Alex Fields, Jr., the alleged driver who plowed through a crowd protesting a white nationalist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, was a Trump voter. (And remember, Trumpettes, you may not be too comfortable with James, but he’s comfortable with you.)

BILL

* That’s a reference to shooter Dylann Roof by the way in case you didn’t catch it.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

“When I look at myself in the first grade and I look at myself now, I'm basically the same. The temperament is not that different."

Donald Trump in 2014 (Yes, an actual word-for-word quote.)

BILL

Think You're Worried?

Imagine North Korea, knowing an unhinged bully child with impulse issues and no sense of reality trying desperately hard to paper over his tuck-tail-and-run Vietnam days (See: Heel Spurs, Noisome Ailment of) by playing the “fire and fury” tough guy has the keys to our nukes.

BILL

A Sweet Thought

I believe if you are the only one in your dinner party to order dessert and the waiter brings over four forks, you should be legally allowed to shoot him.

BILL

This is Jaw-Dropping!

Check out the YouTube clip of Vladimir Putin covering The Beatles classic “(I Get By) With a Little Help From My Friends!” It’s – to use a term - amazing! (And Trump is pretty tight on the harmonies, too, if I say so myself.)

BILL

Double Trouble

Early on during the Civil War, Union Generals Ulysses S. Grant and William T. Sherman were derided by the majority of the American press as a drunk and lunatic, respectively. While I’m no military historian, they are probably the two key reasons why I don’t know the words to “Dixie” by heart.

Being both a drunk and a lunatic, I feel my chances for success are double.

BILL

Try This Some Time:

The next time someone asserts that “Family is EVERYTHING,” say: “Really?? Then give me your money.”

BILL

Russian Teddy Bear Program For Adopted Children (PLEASE FORWARD!!!!!)

I am so moved by Donald Trump Jr.’s concern for Russian child adoptions. What a sweetheart. That family is awash in compassion. Why are the media so blind to the warmhearted kindness on his part and instead assuming his meeting with Russians had anything to do with – I’m sorry, I got chocked up there, the subject of adopted children being very close to my heart - I’m sorry. OK, where was I? Oh, yeah, why would they just assume this is about getting his father elected? What is with you, lame stream media? FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS!!

(Now can I PLEASE get some love from the Trumpettes?)

BILL

I Never Gamble

Except for the ponies of course.

OK, the dog track now and again.

And the card table.

Roulette, I suppose.

And I play a Bingo card or two at Aunt Esther’s old folks home whenever I visit.

And, technically, every time I shoot up.

BILL

As Previously Stated:

I’m positive Trump is a coward. The two clues, the second always the more telling. Number one: get out of harm’s way. (See “Vietnam, Heel Spurs.”) Number Two: once out of harm’s way, play the badass whenever possible. Endless examples, the latest being telling cops to rough up suspects, the definition of the word “suspect” eluding the “really, really smart guy.”

(L&G, TTA.)

BILL

Hey, everybody! Here's a good one!

Four more years!!
Four more years!!
Four more years!!

BILL

The Day I Get to Second Base

I’m seeking to obtain the naming rights to second base at Dodger Stadium. Soon you might actually get to hear: “Wilson edging away from first. He’s a sneaky one that Wilson. Diego gives him a glance. Here’s the pitch—and there he goes!! Taylor with the throw to Perez but that fleet of foot Wilson is safe at the Bill Bekkala second base!”

BILL

Why Does The Magician Have Hot Assistants?

The same reason a president – out of the blue - declares his opposition to transgenders serving in the military.

Distraction.

(L&G, TTA.)

BILL

A Conversation With Jared Kushner:

Q: What else did you talk about?

A: Well, we talked about sports. And movies. And, oh, we walked about “Breaking Bad.”

Q: But you didn’t collude?

A: No!

Q: Did you meet with any Bolivians?

A: No.

Q: Did you meet with any Italians?

A: No. Just Russians. We like Russians.

Q: What else did you talk about?

A: Well, we talked about knitting. And show tunes. And, oh, we talked about that little guy on that show “Webster.”

Q: But you didn’t collude?

A: No!

Q: Did you meet with any Koreans?

A: No.

Q: Did you meet with any Vietnamese?

A: No. Just Russians. We like Russians.

Q: What else did you talk about?

A: Well, we talked about pastry chefs. And gourmet cooking. And, oh, we talked about Granny from “The Beverly Hillbillies.”

Q: But you didn’t collude?

A: No!

Q: Did you meet with any Canadians?

A: No.

Q: Did you meet with any Chileans?

A: No. Just Russians. We like Russians.

Q: What else did you talk about?

A: Well, we talked about Western cattle interests. And charcoal. And, oh, we talked about Tickle-Me-Elmo.

Q: But you didn’t collude?

A: No!

Q: Did you meet with any Albanians?

A: No.

Q: Did you meet with any Swedes?

A: No. Just Russians. We like Russians.

Q: But you didn’t collude?

A: No!

(You get the point.)

BILL

Great Moments in Pouting

“It’s very sad that Republicans, even some that were carried over the line on my back, do very little to protect their President.”

L&G, TTA.

(And by the way, Mr. Really, Really Smart, that should have been “who were carried over the line.”)

BILL

Is That a Flying Broomstick I Smell?

Lawyering up, seeking potential conflicts of interest against those investigating you, looking into your pardon powers, tossing folks under the bus. That’s a lot of activity for a “witch hunt.”

L&G, TTA.

BILL

Great Moments in Coherency

“When he brought it to me, I said this is really made-up junk. I didn’t think about anything. I just thought about, man, this is such a phony deal. I said, this is — honestly, it was so wrong, and they didn’t know I was just there for a very short period of time. It was so wrong, and I was with groups of people. It was so wrong that I really didn’t, I didn’t think about motive. I didn’t know what to think other than, this is really phony stuff. In my opinion, he shared it so that I would think he had it out there.”

(L&G,TTA)

BILL

The More Things Change, The More They-- (Never Mind)

“The buck stops here.” (Harry S. Truman)

“I’m not going to own it.” (Donald Trump)

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Try This Some Time:

Whenever you hear The Commodores 1978 hit “Three Times a Lady,” wait for Lionel Ritchie to sing “Cause you’re once, twice, three times—“ then scream out: “SOLD!!!!”

BILL

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."

That being so, I am so incredibly flattered of late how Trumpettes have frequently been invoking my “amateur hour” description of the Trump Administration as “defense” of its ineptitude.

BILL

"Trump floats Russia cyber alliance"

… the headline in the 7/10/17 Los Angeles Times.

In other news, the President has empaneled a blue ribbon commission to study whether rapists and their victims can – in his words – “find common ground. I mean, it’s just sex, right? What’s the big deal?”

BILL

What Can I Say?

It’s been my experience that those who frequently preach the importance of “respecting other people’s beliefs” tend to have really stupid beliefs.

BILL

One of The Funniest Paragraphs I've Ever Read:

“Trump, Jr. said he released the statements in the spirit of transparency, but he did so only after The New York Times obtained copies and informed him that they were about to publish them.” *

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

* 7/12/17 Los Angeles Times

BILL

Film-Dumb

The film “47 Meters Down” asks: “How do you survive the world’s greatest predators?” (How about not going down 47 meters in shark infested waters for starters?)

BILL

Gotta Admit, I'm With Trump on This One

I mean, if I’m President and seventeen U.S. intelligence agencies inform me that Russia interfered in our 2016 election, while a man who for sixteen years was a foreign intelligence officer for the KGB, Vladimir Putin, tells me they’re wrong, I’m going with the Vlad.

BILL

I'll Have an Orange Russian

“Aides to President Trump, who often doesn’t read long briefing papers, have prepared a list of tweet-length sentences that summarize the issues he could bring up with Russian President Vladimir Putin.” *

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Putin Admini- I mean the Trump Administration.)

BILL

*Source: 7/5/17 Los Angeles Times

From our "No one respects women more than me" file:

“The pay gap between male and female White House staffers has more than tripled in the first year of the Trump administration, according to an analysis by economist Mark Perry of the American Enterprise Institute.” *

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

* Source: 7/5/17 Washington Post

This is now my favorite tweet:

“I’m going to be so presidential you’re going to get bored.”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

The Number Are In!

After years of extensive research of online postings along with legacy studies of birthday and mother’s day/father’s day cards, I have determined that there are 205,450,038 “greatest mom/dad ever.” Math itself precludes this from being even remotely possible, as there can only be one “greatest” mom or dad. And these, of course, would be MY mom and dad.

BILL

Things Change

In the 2009 movie “State of Play,” reporter Cal McAffrey (Russell Crowe) visits Washington DC’s Ben's Chili Bowl and appears to be a regular. The scene features the sign: "List of who eats free at Ben's : Bill Cosby, NO ONE ELSE".

(Insert your punch line here.)

BILL

Stupidity Gone Viral

NEWS ITEM: A measles outbreak continues to strike Minnesota as health officials stress the importance of getting vaccinated.
There are now 48 confirmed cases in Hennepin, Ramsey and Crow Wing counties, mostly affecting unvaccinated Somali-American children, according to data released by the state's Department of Health. Of those impacted, 46 are children 10 and younger; 41 are Somali-American; and 45 have not been vaccinated against the disease, according to the data.

EDITORIAL: Thank you Dr. Trump, for opining your skepticism on vaccine methodology. (Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

The Depp Position

NEWS ITEM: In the wake of actor Johnny Depp joking about assassinating the president, the White House released the following statement: “President Trump has condemned violence in all forms, and it’s sad that others like Johnny Depp have not followed his lead.”*

EDITORIAL: “In all forms” evidently does not include when, during his campaign, Trump advocated punching protesters in the face, offered to pay the legal fees of a man who – without provocation – slugged a Trump protester in the head and longing for the days when protesters “were taken out on stretchers.”

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

*Source: 6/24/17 Los Angeles Times

Well, THAT Takes The Cake!

Lynne Patton, Eric Trump's wedding planner and former Vice President of the Eric Trump Foundation, has been chosen to lead Region II of the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), which includes New York and New Jersey.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Put ME Into a Coma If This Continues

My concern for someone who willingly goes to North Korea hovers around .001. My desire to have an international incident commence between nations headed by two reality-challenged children with nukes over the same aforementioned foreign traveler hovers around .00000001.

BILL

"Why was there a Civil War?"

So asked our president recently, adding “Why could that one not be worked out?” Yes, staggering ignorance on both the historical and moral planes, topped only by his assertion that Andrew Jackson “was really angry” about the Civil War, the former President (evidently) having said: “There’s no reason for this.”

Actually, there’s no reason Jackson would have said anything about the Civil War, having died sixteen years prior to its start.

(Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Birds of Same Feather

Radio host nut job Alex Jones – who, among other insane thoughts, thinks the Sandy Hook massacre was a hoax perpetrated by the government to seize citizen weaponry and that Hillary Clinton ran a child sex trafficking ring out of a pizzeria - has a fan in our president.

(Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Dear Diary:

America great again Thursday. Not so great Friday. (sigh) Pretty darn great Saturday. OK great I guess Sunday. Not at ALL great Monday thanks to my TOTAL SLOB ROOMMATE!!!!!!!!! (Bummer…) I guess today will be kinda great but who knows? It’s early.

BILL

Good God...

So pathetic to watch this “forgetful,” doddering old man playing the bumpkin card against Kamala Harris, paddddddddddddding his answers to run out the clock, knowing the limited time she has to question him.

HARRIS: What’s your name?

SESSIONS: Well, it’s funny that you should ask, because I go by Jeffrey Sessions, legally, but if you shoot pool with me down at Dudley’s Pool Hall and Card Club on Yokel Avenue, the fellas just call me Jeff. Now, true, I do gravitate toward informality as often as possible – you know, it eases the tension a bit I think – but for the purposes of this formal arena, I would say, my legal name, i.e. the name given to me at birth by my loving parents and as listed on my birth certificate, which of course is Jeffrey Sessions.

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

An Open Letter to California Senator Kamala Harris

Dear Senator Harris:

Quit picking on little Jeffrey Sessions! You’re making him “nervous.” I should inform you as well that he hasn’t taken his nap yet.

“Baby, want his binkie? Baaaaaaby, want his binkie??”

BILL

America, Where We Love Our Guns. As for Women? (Meh....)

States that require background checks for all handgun sales see 47% fewer women shot to death by intimate partners than states that do not have this requirement.*

BILL

*Source 4/16/17 Los Angeles Times

NEWS ITEM: “It has been repeatedly reported that he (Trump) is unwilling to read long, complicated briefing papers and that he wants his information short, simple and on a single page.”*

EDITORIAL: This makes his “Who knew healthcare could be so complicated?” line doubly funny. Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: May 17, 2017 Los Angeles Times

Spicy Hot!!

“I’m not firing Sean Spicer,” Trump reportedly said during a White House lunch in March. “That guy gets great ratings. Everyone tunes in.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

"No Vacancy." (No, Wait! Check That.) "Vacancy."

“Many of the office suites reserved for top civilian positions at the Pentagon sit empty or have temporary fill-ins while Defense Secretary James N. Mattis worries about North Korea and Iran.

Treasury Secretary Steven T. Mnuchin lacks appointed loyalists in any of the top 17 spots below him as he writes the nation’s byzantine tax code.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson similarly relies on a skeletal staff to conduct global diplomacy, with dozens of jobs open.

And in the White House, Trump still depends on a communications director who resigned last month – because he hasn’t found a replacement

More than four months after taking office, the president who built his brand telling people ‘You’re fired’! is having a hard time staffing up.”*

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.)

BILL

Source: Monday, 6/5/17 Los Angeles Times

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

It’s probably best that Eagles cofounder Glenn Frey died at an early age. Otherwise he would have just ended up a bald eagle.

BILL

It's Not Drafty in Here

Bring back the draft, if only to gain a fairer representation of the population fighting our unending series of wars (with more to come I suspect). While I hold in high regard those who DO volunteer for the armed services, I suspect the “volunteering” is too often their best available option, as opposed to those of, say, a billionaire’s child. (If you don’t believe me, this is what made former Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman’s quitting the NFL to fight overseas such a man-bites-dog story. People of such wealth simply didn’t DO such things.) Put another way, did those jumping from the upper floors of the World Trade Center on 9/11 “volunteer” to jump? Well, yes, considering the other option was burning alive. So, yes, they made a “choice” there. They “volunteered” to jump to their death. A “choice” akin to many – to a far lesser extent of course – “choosing” to join the military. Finally, I strongly suspect our fixation with war would greatly dissipate if all of a sudden, the sons and daughters of the powered elite found themselves coming to grips with the very real possibility that they might get their ass shot off in some remote, foreign land and, if not die, come home to begin practicing jogging on titanium legs.

BILL

Who Cares If It's a Noun or a Pronoun?

“A recent Carnegie Mellon University study revealed that Trump’s grammar in speech was ‘just below’ sixth-grade level, and his vocabulary was in line with a seventh-grader’s.”*

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: 5/26/17 Los Angeles Times (a charter member of The Fake News of America Guild)

Best Of All, He Can Juggle!

President Trump’s son-in-law, a veritable monument to mediocrity, has been delegated the following tasks at The White House:

Advising Trump
Reinventing Government
Being a “Shadow” Diplomat
Brokering peace in the middle east
Solving America’s Opioid epidemic
Diplomacy with China
Reforming Care for Veterans
Reforming the criminal justice system

Jared Kushner. The right man for the job. The job. The job. The job. The job. The job. The job. The job.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump administration.

BILL

Must Have Been the Tryptophan

“Trump repeatedly mispronounced the name of Recep Tayyip Erdogan as the president of Turkey stood beside him. He also appeared bored or distracted when Erdogan spoke, coming to life when the Turkish president injected some fulsome praise for Trump and his election.”

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: 5/19/17 Los Angeles Times

What Happens When You Call The Press "The Enemy of The People"

… as did Joseph Stalin and Trump? Well, I do know that it makes incidents like yesterday’s, where Montana’s U.S. Congressman Greg Gianforte body slammed a reporter for – you know – reporting, much more susceptible to happening.

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

PS: Bonus points if you can guess which political party Greg Gianforte is in. (But you only get one guess.)

On With The Show This Is It!!!!

“Donald Trump can only stay focused on intelligence reports if his name is in them, according to officials close to him. Staff members are being forced to strategically include the President's name in the reports to ensure that he keeps reading and doesn't get distracted, they said.”

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump administration.

BILL

* Source: Numerous

TO MY MANY FANS:

I‘ve been picking up your prayers of concern for the victims and their families in the wake of yesterday’s Manchester terrorist massacre. Let me be frank ‘cause – evidently – some of you are still not getting it. As you yourself are quick to remind others, I am all knowing, all seeing and all powerful. I knew this was going to happen and ALLOWED it to occur. The vibe I’m getting from your prayers – to be perfectly honest - flies in the face of the spirit of horror I unleashed yesterday. I’d tread verrrrrrrrrrry carefully if I were you. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely Yours,

“GOD”

Ahead of My Time

I pitched “The Emoji Movie” way back in 87. The studio folks stared at me as if I were completely nuts. I am so gonna sue those bastards.

BILL

More, more, more. How do you like it? How do you like it?

“When President Trump nominated David Bernhardt for the number 2 spot at the Interior Department, the administration cited his extensive experience. What the announcement failed to mention was that much of that experience was lobbying and doing legal work to elude or undermine Interior Department policies and protections.”*

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: May 18, 2017 Los Angeles Times

Seriously, I Don't Know Which is Funnier:

Trump calling Comey a “showboat” and “grandstander” or him saying the Russian connection is a “hoax.” (You know, like climate change.)

BILL

Russian Rubelette

It seems a certain U.S. president not only divulged highly classified intelligence to Russia but sees nothing wrong in having done so, this despite the intel reportedly having been provided by a U.S. ally on the condition that it not be shared.

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

A Pony Tale

President Reagan was fond of telling the tale of an optimistic boy of six who was taken to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. Beaming, the child clambered to the top of the pile and began

Reagan never finished the story, however, for the child did eventually find the pony, asphyxiated to death, its throat and lungs caked in near stone hard manure, the once frolicking, lovable beast now stiff and cold to the touch.

THE END

Threatening to Cancel WH Press Briefings in a Democracy

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Same Outhouse, Different Color

In the same way that you never heard Bill Cosby or Bill O’Reilly go beyond mere denials and actually utter the words “Not only do I deny these charges, but anybody who would do that of which I am accused is a despicable human being,” so have we yet to hear a parallel assertion from our current president. Oh, sure, he’s grumbled and tweeted and pounded his fists in fury and yet – if I were Trump and knew these charges were false – the first words out of my mouth would be “and anybody who would collude with the Russians in order to gain the White House is not only not a patriot but is guilty of treason as well.” Alas, Little Donnie has yet to utter any such words, thus joining the lowly ranks of Misters Cosby and O’Reilly in not doing the one thing that might possibly get me to believe in their innocence.

BILL

Travelgate II

“Based on publically available information, the total (travel expenses) for Trump’s first 100 days was at least $30 million. By comparison, the conservative think tank Judicial Watch found that costs for President Obama and his much smaller family averaged $12 million a year.”*

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

*Source: May 8, 2017 Los Angeles Times

BILL

The Day My House Burned to The Ground

I was at the bar drinking and received three frantic calls from friends, informing me that my house was on fire. Assuming each to be merely a general “heads-up,” I ignored them.

When I got to my house it was completely burned to the ground.

Bummer.

BILL

He's Off to Greener Pastures (OK, He's "Off" in General...)

Mark E. Green, Little Donnie’s pick for Secretary of the Army, has withdrawn his nomination in the wake of his country learning some of his “thoughts.” Included among them that transgender is a “disease” and that there exists in public schools an “indoctrination of Islam.”

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Do Call Me, Shirley

During the wayward days of my youth, I had quite the crush on the lady I knew as “Shirley Partridge” (aka actress Shirley Jones). Scanning a Youtube video of The Partridge Family’s “Breaking Up is Hard To Do” I must say I had EXCELLENT taste in women! (And, frankly, she’s still quite the knockout at 83.)

BILL

The Art of The Raw Deal

NEWS ITEM: “The funding package President Trump signed off on over the weekend – one that largely preserves money for items he promised to slash, but does not advance his border wall – was full of concessions to Democrats.” *

EDITORIAL: Wow! Just imagine if he didn’t have both houses of Congress. The great negotiator…

BILL

*Source: May 3, 2017 Los Angeles Times

To Have and To Have

President Trump says he’d be “honored” to meet North Korean despot Kim Jung Un. Egypt’s president, who allowed his opponents to be shot, is doing a “fantastic job.” The president of The Philippines, who unleashed vigilante killings at home, is welcome at the White House. So is Thailand’s president, who took power in a coup. And Turkey’s president, who jailed thousands of opponents, got a congratulatory call.*

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: May 3, 2017 Los Angeles Times

(And, on a personal note, how can you not invite a man – Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte – whose mere presence would honor the White House who at a campaign rally a year ago complained about not having been allowed to be first in line at a gang rape. Oh, who am I kidding? He sounds like a great guy! Send him another invite, Mr. President, but engrave it this time.)

Sophocles wrote:

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life. That word is love.”

I thought the word would be “tacos.”

BILL

Oh, I Love Irony

Former Trump National Security Advisor Michael Flynn leading chants at the RNC against Hillary of “Lock her up!” can now be filed under “Nothing Short of Hysterical” considering that he’s looking down the barrel of felony charges.

(And lest we forget he’s also the man who said if you’re asking for immunity you’ve probably committed crime.)

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

25 for Sixties Furor

As we creep up on the 25-year anniversary of the LA riots, I still hear a lot of talk and see a lot of print about “civil unrest” or “uprising,” terms which don’t possess quite the impact of, say, a brick to the head of Reginald Denny. It also leads to the question: if those sorry days weren’t a riot, what would be?

BILL

Who Needs Statesmen When We Have Nukes?

With the world moving ever closer it seems to war compliments of Donald Trump being unmoored-from-reality and the nut job in North Korea, diplomacy would seem to be at a premium. All due respect to rookie diplomat little Jared Kushner, unfortunately the State Department’s budget is to be slashed by 31 percent.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

What a Rube...

When asked about the status of President Trump’s executive order on travel, Attorney General Jeff Sessions replied: "I really am amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the president of the United States from what appears to be clearly his statutory and constitutional power.”

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Try This Some Time

Next time you attend a funeral, enter late from the rear of the church, haphazardly skipping up the center aisle toward the coffin at front, dragging your knuckles the entire way. When you reach the front, turn around, facing the congregation with lips pursed, swinging your arms up and down, one hand scratching the top of your head, the other your underarm, alternating back and forth, then start maniacally screeching “Ooh-aww!! Ooh-aww!! Ooh-aww!” (You really gotta sell it!) Then pull out a banana, quickly devour it, toss the peel into the open coffin and take a seat next to your ex. I did this at my Uncle Nestor’s funeral. Man, you should have seen the looks I got!

BILL

A Tax Upon Thee (But Not Him)

No business would fail to fund a unit that, on average, brought in $7 for every dollar spent. Unless that business was run by a fool like Donald Trump who advocates a 14% cut of the (aforementioned) Internal Revenue Service. So as you grumble about paying your taxes this week, remember that the “brilliant businessman,” whose near billion dollar LOSS resulted in him going years without paying federal taxes – and bragging about it - still refuses to partake in the historical precedent (“president” as he spells it) of presidents (and candidates) disclosing their tax returns, which would likely reveal myriad worldwide conflicts of interests for a man making our foreign policy decisions. And by the way, he promised to do this, marking just another lie in a lonnnnnng line of lies.

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

"High Loon"

Did anyone have the courage to stand up to those brazen hussies – pitchforks aloft – inflicting their social coup de tat upon that beacon of decency, Bill O’Reilly? Only one man. One man! And that man was Donald Trump. Yes, the courage we all doubted existed within him - due to Vietnam of course - stood stalwart in the face of this hurricane of injustice. President Pussy Grab—excuse me, President Trump was the LONE voice of reason. So keep your chin up, FOX News, for despite your having looked the other way and paid out millions for over a decade so long as the cash cow paid off, the rubes will still tune in for social political guidance.

And on a personal note: Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Will It Go 'Round in Circus?

Back when The Beatles were beginning to implode, there was serious talk of having keyboardist Billy Preston join the group. Despite Preston being friends with the band and having already performed on a couple Fab Four albums Paul McCartney nixed the idea, stating “It’s bad enough with four.” So c’mon, liberals, admit it on this one. Trump is right re North Korea: One spoiled, demented bully-child with nukes is enough.

BILL

And a Child Shall Lead Them

After his meeting with Chinese President Xi on the topic of North Korea, President Trump said “After listening for ten minutes, I realized it’s not so easy.”

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

My Mini-Revelation

While munching kettle corn and watching a five-piece band play at a Farmers Market recently, I saw three or four toddlers dancing away to the tunes, and the thought hit me: There is no finer rebuttal to those demented cultures that – in their warped collective mind – frown upon the “evils” of dance.

BILL

The Naked and The Brain Dead

And lest we forget, who wasn’t amused - heh-heh – by Donald Trump bragging to Howard Stern how he would barge into the locker room of Miss Teen USA contestants – some as young as 15 - while they changed when he owned the pageant? (Hey, it was his pageant; he could do what he wants, right?) Now THAT’S character, my friends. THAT’S presidential material. You go, Mr. President!

BILL

From Our "Chickens Have Come Home to Roost" File

Who doesn’t get a kick out of Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad taking a page out of the Donald Trump playbook by saying the chemical attack in Syria was “staged” or a “100% fabrication?” You know, kinda like “alternative facts” and “fake news?” Oh, well, Little Donnie, at least you guys are simpatico.

BILL

Crappiness is a Warm Gun (Bang-bang, shoot-shoot)

The Trace – a nonprofit journalism site that covers firearms – reports that a woman is shot and killed by a current or former romantic partner every sixteen hours, and that a woman is five times more likely to be killed if her abuser has access to a gun. The gun control group Everytown for Gun Safety reported in 2014 that more than half of women murdered with guns in the U.S. are killed by intimate partners or family members .*

Welllllllllllll, all I have to say to that is: USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!!

BILL

*Source: 4/12/17 Los Angeles Times

Make America Creepy Again

Which famous leader deemed the press “enemies of the people?” Donald Trump or Josef Stalin?

It’s a trick question! They BOTH did! Isn’t that cool?! Ummm… OK, maybe it’s not that cool. Ah, what do I care? I voted for the lady with the private email server.

BILL

In these perilous times...

… with trouble brewing in North Korea and Syria, I think it more imperative than ever that we all get behind President Kushner and First Lady Ivanka.

(Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.)

BILL

The Voter Fraud Fraud

It has been said that it is better that ten – some say a hundred - guilty men go free than to have a single innocent man be imprisoned, the grander sin clearly being the freedom unjustly denied an innocent man. This moral code is flipped on its head when it comes to voter ID laws, advocates of which - in their misguided zeal to address the nonexistent problem of “voter fraud” – have disenfranchised countless “innocent” citizens (wheelchair bound geriatrics in assisted living facilities with no living relatives, for example, unable to coordinate a ride to obtain such an ID). The far greater sin is to deny so many that which serves as the very foundation of a democracy – voting – than to “allow” the extremely remote possibility of a fraudulent vote being cast.

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With Tinder Keg Situations Near and Far...

… in this the nuclear age, aren’t we all breathing a sigh of relief that pretty little Ivanka is now in a position of power and authority at the White House? Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump administration.

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Double Trouble

I’m 98% certain Sirhan Sirhan’s 1968 assassination of Robert F. Kennedy can be traced back in large part to a lifetime’s frustration due to his dim bulb parents inflicting upon him that awkward double name.

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Of The Worst Kind of Idiot

The worst kind of idiot is not the idiot, per se, for we all – myself included - have our moments of idiocy. The worst kind of idiot is the idiot who thinks he’s really, really smart. (A digression: From time to time I am accused of thinking I’m really smart, despite the fact that I’ve never asserted this. Nor would I. In fact, I think I am of average intellect. I am, however, glib and quite opinionated and some confuse these with my thinking I’m really smart. Never forget, I do the mail at work.)

Now, as for who thinks he’s really, really smart? A few hints:

“I have the best words.”

“Nobody knows the tax code better than I do. OK. I know it better. I’m the king of the tax code.”

“I consult myself on foreign policy.”

“I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me.”

Resting my case…

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Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend - WTF?!?

I recognize that this comes off glaringly self-righteous on my part but – how do I say this – I don’t give a shit. There seems to be a recent spate of burglaries of celebrity homes, etc. and while I would never condone theft, there is a part of me deeply saddened not by those robbed of their fulsome treasures but rather by the knowledge that so many would much rather possess such abundant displays of wealth to begin with. While no saint, if I had millions I would find infinitely more pleasure in, say, putting a brilliant kid through college who could otherwise not afford it, for example. Some wunderkind with that storied potential to perhaps come up with the cure to cancer, Alzheimer’s, what have you. Alas, that student might never be given that chance, because someone like – oh, I don’t know – Kim Kardashian, say, who was robbed of ten million dollars’ worth of jewelry recently, finds soooooooo much more pleasure in flaunting her valuable rocks than helping others.

OK, I’m done.

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I'm So Stupid

I just found out Bill Withers is a singer. I thought it was me in bed.

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I'm So Stupid

I just found out a mammogram is not a telegram sent to your mother.

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Playing The Joker

In the 1995 film “Devil in a Blue Dress” Don Cheadle more or less steals the movie right out from under lead Denzel Washington. I mentioned this to Denzel at our Tuesday night poker game and man he got pissed. What an ass.

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Modus Operandi

“The buck stops here.” Harry S. Truman

“I blame (insert name/group here).” Donald Trump

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The Two Jokes

Two guys are carpooling. The passenger hears a troubling sound emanating from the engine. He mentions it to the driver, who replies: ”Just turn up the radio.” (heh-heh…)

The other “joke” is from John Holdren, a Harvard University professor who served as Director at the White House Office of Science and Technology under President Obama. Commenting on Donald Trump’s plans to cut funding for NASA investigation of climate change: “I call this a know nothing trifecta. These are people who know nothing. They’re proud of knowing nothing. And they don’t want anybody to know anything.”

Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

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Sorry, Sean Hannity, He's Still Nuts

“U.S. intelligence agencies inadvertently intercepted communications involving the Trump transition team late last year, the chairman of the House Intelligence committee said Wednesday.”*

A far cry from Little Donnie’s tweet of: "How low has President Obama gone to tap my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy.”

Try again, Sean.

BILL

*Source 3/23/2017 Los Angeles

From Our War is Peace Department...

NEWS ITEM: The Department of Homeland Security released the first ever report on law enforcement agencies that are potentially “endangering Americans” by failing to cooperate with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement detainers and named multiple jurisdictions in California.*

EDITORIAL: This is “funny” for two reasons: the first being the fact that illegal immigrants – the obvious infraction aside – commit statistically less crime than legal residents. The second is what Los Angeles has proven for decades: that if it widely understood that police do not make inquiries about one’s legal status, illegal immigrants witnessing crimes will more readily come forward to assist police in criminal investigations. Moreover, if police did assist I.C.E, criminals could more easily exploit/harm illegal immigrants, knowing full well their victims will not go to the police for fear of deportation. Or to put it all another way: we might want to start calling it The Department of Homeland Insecurity. Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

*Source: 3/21/2017 Los Angeles Times

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80 Proof

“Investigating it and having proof of it are two different things.” (White House spokesman Sean Spicer, commenting on an FBI investigation into possible collusion by Trump aides and Russian authorities.)

Hey, Sean, are tweeting it and having proof of it two different things as well?

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Truth in Advertising

Let’s resurrect Clara Peller from the old Wendy’s “Wherrrrre’s the beef?” ads re Trump’s so far baseless charge that Obama wiretapped him. “Where’s the proof?” (Once again and with gusto: sweet vindication….)

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This is Killing the "Defense of Marriage" Crowd

NEWS ITEM: In the year following any state’s adoption of marriage equality, the rates of attempted suicide among gay, lesbian and bisexual high school students in that state fell by 14% below that group’s rate of suicide attempts in states that had not changed their policies on gay marriage.*

EDITORIAL: Can I get an “Amen” from the pro-life contingent?

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*Source: 2/22/17 Los Angeles Times

Fool You Once, Shame on You, Fool You Twice, Highly Likely

C'mon now! Cheer-up all you Trump voters who are now finding out that you’re about to lose your Obamacare benefits. Don’t be grouchy Gretchens. You’re gonna get a wall.

BILL

Heavy Drinking in The Marketing Dept?

I kid you not: Lays now has a potato chip flavor called “Beer ‘n Brats.” (Beer ‘n brats. Sounds like me when I babysit.)

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A True Story, I Swear

In the wayward days of my youth, my mom would wash my mouth out with soap whenever I swore. Lot of fucking good that did.

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Am I Stoned?

City of stars, are you shining just for me? (Oh, you are?! Well, OK then, that’s better. Thanks!)

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No, I Insist: After You!!!

I concede this shows a lack of patience on my part, but if I hold a door open for you, just go through it. Don’t stop and debate me as to who should go first, ‘cause now you’re really wasting my time.

And another thing! (Just kidding; there is no other thing.)

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A Sad Day for "The Movies"

RIP to TCM host Robert Osborne who, in his warm, understated way, made every film he introduced seem well worth watching.

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All I Ask is a Little Consistency

“I’m not an expert on climate science.” This is the excuse by which some politicians “justify” their denial/doubts re the vast preponderance of scientific evidence of climate change. Unfortunately, they limit this line of “reasoning” to the one topic. Just imagine…

“My mechanic told me I needed a new carburetor but since I have no training in auto mechanics I doubted what he said and simply left his shop, my car coming to a dead halt in the middle of the Mojave desert that blazing August afternoon.”

“My dentist urged me to approve an implant supported bridge but having never gone to dental school, I was skeptical and left his office. Within three weeks I was sipping breakfast through a straw.”

“My plumber told me I needed a septic tank backflow preventer but since I know nothing about plumbing I doubted his conclusion. He shrugged his shoulders and left. The next day, there was shit everywhere!!”

“The pediatric cardiologist was emphatic in his utter certainty that our little Tiffany needed immediate emergency surgery on her aorta, but, hell, I’m no doctor so I said we’ll just wait and see. Please send flowers.”

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Duck! It's The Donald!

The coolest thing about voting for Donald Trump is that you can tell your daughters and granddaughters that you voted for a man for President who bragged about repeatedly committing sexual assault against women. How cool is that?!!

Errrr… hmmmmmmmmm… wait a second. Maybe that’s not so cool. Oh, well. I needn’t worry. After all, I voted for the lady with the private email server.

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Moonlight Missed

The Oscar envelopes are double-checked, police-escorted, devils-advocated, rehearsed and guarded and still we had a screw up Sunday night.

Two words: nuclear weapons.

BILL

What's The Matter With Kansas? And Florida? And Alabama? And....

In these bitter, contentious days, it’s important for us to find common ground where and when we can, and I have little doubt all of us know in our heart of hearts that the Kansas man now being held on murder charges who grumbled “Get out of my country” to two men of Indian descent before shooting them both was a Trump voter. (And never forget, Little Donnie fans, you may not be too comfortable with the shooter, but he’s comfortable with you.)

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"Nobody knew health care could be so complicated."

Actually, Mr. President we all knew. Only you didn’t.

(Sweet vindication…)

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"Is There a Doctor In The House?!"

Whenever I’m out dining and from some table I hear this urgent cry, I stand up and say “I’m a doctor!” I then hurry over to the usually unconscious customer, feel for a pulse, stretch open their eyelids and peer into them, listen for breathing, quickly ask “Is he on any medications that you know?” and generally make it appear as if I know what I’m doing. Finally, I get up, shrug my shoulders and say: “I’m just fucking with you. I’m not really a doctor.”

This bit kills.

BILL

Finally, a Trump Appointment That Makes SENSE!

Choosing ill-fated hiker Aron Ralston to head the newly formed “Department of Shit Happens.”

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Ugh!!!!!!!!!

There’s nothing worse than going to your local grocery store and seeing that the Pop Tarts that had been on sale are no longer. (OK, 9/11 was worse but still.)

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Flugel Corn

Just heard musician Chuck Mangione is changing his name to Chuck Macaroni, which I don’t like because I’m against throwing out food.

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Tears of The Clown

Ah, Little Donnie. Remember how he went on and on and on about how much he lovvvvvvvvved WikiLeaks? How it allowed us a peak behind the curtain to see how things really were? Now that we see a peak behind his curtain, what does he do? He does exactly what we’d expect from someone named Little Donnie: he shits his pants and cries. Ladies and gentlemen: the Trump Administration.

BILL

Going Ballistic

With North Korea’s recent test firing of a ballistic missile it goes without saying this could prove problematic for the Trump Administration. On the one hand, we have a bully child born of privilege and power who barely seems to have a grasp on reality as we know it and has proven himself capable of do something deranged at any moment. On the other hand we have Kim Jong-un.

BILL

I am SO attracted to Anne Hathaway!!

I’m sorry; I meant Jane Hathaway, the character from “The Beverly Hillbillies.”

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Public Enemy

Betsy DeVos, who never attended a public school, whose children never attended a public school and who dedicated much of her life to advancing the cause of non-public schools, is now United States Secretary of Education.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

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The Land Down Blunder

NEWS ITEM: SYDNEY (AP) — For decades, Australia and the U.S. have enjoyed the coziest of relationships, collaborating on everything from military and intelligence to diplomacy and trade. Yet an irritable tweet President Donald Trump fired off about Australia and a dramatic report of an angry phone call between the nations' leaders proves that the new U.S. commander in chief has changed the playing field for even America's staunchest allies.

EDITORIAL: And it only took him two weeks! As Trump himself would say: “Amazing. Amazing.”

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And For My Next Act I'll Attack The "Scourge" of Voter Fraud

NEWS ITEM: None of the terror attacks on United States soil have been perpetrated by nationals from any of the seven countries recently “travel-banned” by Trump, let alone anyone who came here as a refugee.*

EDITORIAL: This is in keeping with the Republican tradition of addressing nonexistent problems. But, hey, who isn’t “amused” by a party claiming to be “pro-life” – so long as we’re talking fetuses - but which now extends its middle finger to the thousands upon thousands of actual children from war-torn nations? Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: 2/1/2017 Los Angeles Times

I'm So Stupid

I just found out that the 1977 England Dan and John Ford Coley hit “It’s Sad to Belong” was about marriage. (You know: “Oh, it’s sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along.”) I thought it was about the football team you rooted for.

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Spreading the Word

What do you know? The accused killer of six at a Quebec City mosque is a Trump fan. Who would have ever guessed that hate would engender more hate? Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump administration.

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In a word, I'm getting "old"

Twice in my life I have grabbed the dictionary to look up a word and have opened it to the very page on which the word was found. I have little doubt this means I am getting very, very old.

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I Feel Pretty--

Sorry, I got cut off there. I feel pretty hung over. Leave me alone today.

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If Ever You Face Trumped Up Charges:

When the law is against you, argue the facts.

When the facts are against you, argue the law.

When both the facts and law are against you, argue “alternative facts.”

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Sherman Quote

“It is only those who have not heard a shot, nor heard the shrills and groans of the wounded and lacerated (friend or foe) that cry aloud for more blood and more vengeance.”

Civil War General William T. Sherman

(Think Donald Trump, whose heel spurs afflicted him so terribly that he could not serve his country during the Vietnam War, sparing his life so that – in later years – he could mock the likes of tortured war hero John McCain.)

I wish I coined the phrase “brave new world.”

Unfortunately, I only came up with “soggy toast quagmire.”

BILL

What's Old is New Again

NEWS ITEM: In his first statement as White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer conveyed the top priority of his boss, America’s first reality-TV star/executive producer President. For Donald Trump it was all about ratings, ratings, ratings.

“This was the largest audience ever to witness an inauguration, period, both in person and around the world,” insisted Spicer on Saturday to a pool of reporters, despite Nielsen ratings data and aerial crowd image estimates that showed Trump on the low end of first-term viewership and audience. Reporters who stated otherwise, said Spicer, were peddling “false narratives.”

Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway, in defending Spicer for his false numbers about the inauguration crowd suggested… the new Press Secretary’s claims were not lies but “alternative facts.”*

EDITORIAL: This reminds me of the old Soviet Union’s propaganda, boasting how well the economy is doing. Meanwhile, Vladimir is talking to his pal Ivan, bemoaning this Prada press release before tossing it into the snow and spewing out: “Then why am I standing in a two-hour breadline?” Ladies and gentlemen, the Trump Administration.

BILL

*Source: 1/23/17 Los Angeles Times

With apologies to the late Jim Morrison....

Is everybody in? Is everybody in? Is everybody in? The circus is about to begin.

BILL

From Russia Without Love

Like all Americans, I look forward to stately chants of “Lock her up!” and “Build that wall!” during this otherwise historic Trump inauguration occasion.

BILL

Twitter: @BillBekkala

T-Minus Two Days

NEWS ITEM: Unwilling to let criticism pass, Donald Trump on Saturday pilloried as “all talk, no action” national icon John Lewis, who was repeatedly beaten by police and nearly lost his life during protests in the long struggle for civil rights.*

EDITORIAL: Yes, a man who over fifty years ago had the self-discipline to passively absorb the sadistic blows of club-wielding police in order to adhere to his belief in non-violence, all to advance the cause of civil rights, is “all talk.” The man is a shameless embarrassment. (I’m not referring to Congressman Lewis.)

BILL

*Source: 1/15/17 Los Angeles Times

"The greatest jobs producer God has ever created"

This - from the President-Elect’s press conference - is a funny line on two levels, the first, of course, being the obvious one. The second is, yes, an observation by Bill Maher that Little Donnie doesn’t believe in God, for he is his own god. Now be honest, you could never get this kind of unending comic gold from Hillary.

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If elected to the Senate...

… I promise the American people that I’ll be more than willing to reach across the aisle to members of the other party and smack the hell out of them whenever I damn well please.

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I'm So Stupid

I just found out that Chuck Schumer is the Democratic Senate Minority Leader. I thought it was a movement to destroy Amy Schumer’s career.

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Double Dipping

NEWS HEADLINE: “Trump didn’t really believe the birther conspiracy he was pushing, son-in-law reportedly says.”

EDITORIAL: The son-in-law too dim a bulb to realize that this makes his father-in-law look even worse.

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Punch Drunk Love

If ever you get punched in the face for no apparent reason and are knocked both down and senseless, if you’re a Trump voter, act with integrity by rising to your feet, spitting out your teeth and recalling how you proudly voted for a man to be President who, on more than one occasion, advocated such violence. Be a mensch by smiling through your newly-gapped teeth and enduring the blow without complaint, for it’s important to be consistent in one’s beliefs.

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"The Law of Unintended Consequences"

The coolest thing about "The Law of Unintended Consequences" is that if it fails to kick in it proves its own point.

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William P. Bekkala Facebook post of 12/20/2016:

America having elected Donald Trump president is like saying re your roommate: “Yeah, he never pays the rent on time, molested my visiting niece, smells, has set the place on fire twice, crushed my kitten in a drunken stupor, eats my food, drinks my beer, uses up all my toilet paper, is a total slob, leaves the door unlocked, steals my shit, holds parties when I’m trying to sleep, borrows money from me all the time without repaying me. But he takes out the trash every now and again, so I’m keeping him.”

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I wish they all could be California Pieces of Ass (to use Trump-speak)

NEWS HEADLINE: “Trump’s Inauguration: Beach Boys Consider Offer to Perform”

EDITORIAL: Bekkala considers pissing on his Beach Boys album collection.

BILL