The Gang That Shoots Straight

Hey, let’s admit it, we’re all getting a little bored with the news of American killing sprees, right? Am I right? I mean, James Oliver Huberty taking out 20 kids or so at Mickey D’s back in 84 was new and exciting at the time but now these types of stories are sooooooooooo 1992. Hey, media, we get it! We’re a violent, hate-filled society with folks who point fingers of blame at others for their problems instead of looking into a mirror right before going on their killing spree. (That’s right ghost of Christopher Dorner; I’m talking to you!) And boy do we love our guns! Am I right? Huh? Am I right? So, thank you, media, we get it. So now stop reporting these types of stories and get back to the stuff that truly matters to any thinking human being: “reality” TV.

BILL

The Chef At My Favorite Restaurant is Certifiably Insane!!!!

The really crazy part though is that he’s been getting away with it for years under the guise of “epicurean madness.”

BILL

My Days at The Dakota

I still grow nostalgic for the poker games I used to attend at John and Yoko’s apartment at The Dakota in New York. It was, as you can well imagine, a fun time, what with all four Beatles still alive and “Double Fantasy” producer Jack Douglas rounding out the group. The only issue that ever arose was when it came time to eat. Ringo was partial to Chinese. Paul liked Thai. George – quite predictably – desired Indian food, while John and Yoko – always in tandem – preferred the fare of a nearby pizzeria. Jack Douglas’s position was “whatever you all decide.” (As was mine.)

Much like their recording sessions, the group bickered endlessly over a simple meal! Finally, it being his home I suppose, John stood up and declared: “All we are saying is give pizza a chance.”

BILL

On Twitter: @BillBekkala

A Response To The Mallardjusted

On 12/18 I tweeted: “Auditioning for ‘Taliban Dynasty’, are we, rube?”

I have subsequently received – along with others I presume – a note via Facebook: “Do you like Phil [Robertson] and Duck Dynasty? Do you support his First Amendment rights? Do you support what he stands for? Let's show A&E that we want Phil back.”

The fallacy in this position is that, of course, we support Rubertson‘s First Amendment rights. Did I miss something here? Did the government come crashing down on him, depriving him of his freedom of speech? No , it did not. Mr. Rubertson is free to babble homophobic rants till the ducks fly home. It was his employer who chose to suspend him, per their rights in a free enterprise society. So now I’ll flip it back to those inquiring: “Don’t you support free enterprise? Surely, you’re not a Communist, are you?”

And as for what Mr. Rubertson “stands for”, well, quite clearly, he stands for hate.

BILL

Sir Isaac Fig Newton Proved This Years Ago

The laws of physics hold to every solid object within the vast realm of the universe with the exception of a paper napkin resting in one’s lap.

BILL

Shout It From The Highest Mountaintop!!

(OK, email or tweet it to others. Let the movement begin.)

“When riding an escalator, stand on the right, walk on the left.”

BILL


(On Twitter at BillBekkala)

Yes, I'm SOMEWHAT Defending Sarah Palin (and others)

Waaaaaaay too much is made of when politicians misspeak, for I can (honestly) recall my mother saying to me on several occasions: “Jim-John-Bill….”

Now obviously this does not mean that she did not know who I was. Moreover, how many whoppers would we all be guilty of if camera crews followed us around for substantial amounts of our time?

BILL

Back In The Pen I Gave Them The Shivers

On my first day at Folsom Prison I knew I better make friends and make ‘em fast! So I started my own business: Shivs-R-Us. Needless to say I became quite popular.

BILL

The War on Christmas

Smoke drifts upward in seemingly endless curls along the horizon while my worn and weary ears grow used it seems to the muffled rhythm of gunfire in the distance. I’m afraid the situation can now be described only as undeniably bleak. Rumors are rampant that the liberals have been kidnapping portly white haired gentlemen, binding their hands behind them, then hanging them from telephone poles, but not before hoisting signs around their necks reading “Ho-ho-ho,” as if to taunt the very name of Christmas, but I have yet to verify this with my own eyes. Hurried, chaotic whispers claim the rebels might be making inroads against the godless bastards to the east but who knows what to believe at this juncture? Field hospitals are packed with both rebels and, of course, the battered but still clinging to life wounded of anyone caught watching FOX News. Supply lines have been cut off and I fear all may be lost.

Pray for me.

BILL

They've Kicked Me Out of Lumberjack Camp

Something about my having an axe to grind.

BILL

(On Twitter at BillBekkala)

The Things Of Which I'm Most Proud

I once dove through a plate glass window without injury.

I can tell you who won every Super Bowl game.

I have never during my adult life made my bed.

I’m wearing 25% of my footwear and 100% of my tie clips.

I made it to age 34 without having to tie a tie.

I have twice flown coast to coast without peeing.

I actually wrote this email.

BILL

PS – As a bonus I once inadvertently started a fight with a stuntman, but I’m not exactly proud of that…

That Shoots My Plans All To Hell!

Was planning on watching the second half of “Bonnie & Clyde” last night but some blabbermouth told me how it ends. Jerk…

BILL

(On Twitter at BillBekkala)

Not To Say I'm Getting Old or Anything...

… but the first few steps I take when I get out of bed each morning make me look exactly like a zombie.

BILL

The War on Christmas

Hearing cannon fire on the horizon, I feel Christmas will fall very, very soon. This being so, it seems foolish for me to purchase gifts this year. But, hey, look at all the money I’ll save! Ho-ho-ho!!!

BILL

Tears of The Clown: A Childhood Memory

I remember once as a boy, crying about something, the cause of which now eludes me. My father, never a man of unlimited patience, scowled at me and said: “Listen to me, boy. If you don’t stop crying right this second I’m going to give you something to cry about!”

“Please don’t make me watch ‘Brian’s Song’ again,” I responded, my tears screeching to a halt.

BILL

I'm Living The Life of Riley!

That’s Biff Riley, currently up on check kiting charges and housed in the Men’s Detention Facility in El Paso, nursing several prisoner-inflicted bruises and bemoaning the fact that his wife is now shacking up with his former best friend.

BILL

Not-So-Happy Valley

NEWS ITEM: After Penn State announced to pay nearly $60 Million to 26 sex abuse victims, University President Rodney Erickson said in a statement: "We hope this is another step forward in the healing process for those hurt by Mr. Sandusky, and another step forward for Penn State. We cannot undo what has been done, but we can and must do everything possible to learn from this and ensure it never happens again at Penn State."

EDITORIAL: I have to admit, I’m a bit shocked his statement ended with those last three words, opening up as it does the thought “so long as it doesn’t happen at Penn State.”

BILL

My 2013 Best Lead Actor Oscar Predictions:

Tom Hanks “Captain Phillips”
Bruce Dern "Nebraska”
Matthew McConaughey “Dallas Buyers Club”
Geoffrey Rush “The Book Thief”
Chbytuneckralei Eltybrrhitsrbaa “Twelve Years a Slave”

BILL