I Want You to Want Me to Be Ambassador

In light of the fact that I actually bought Cheap Trick’s live at Budokan album, I feel my foreign policy credentials trump those of Caroline Kennedy, making me the better fit to serve as Ambassador to Japan.

BILL

Hoaxer Stuff

“The last two decades have seen fires that are extraordinary in their size, intensity and impacts.”

U.S. Forest Service Chief Tom Tidwell

A key factor in these fires of late is drought. Care to guess what causes droughts?

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

I was in a Starbucks once when a real rattler of an earthquake hit. As it happened, actor Michael J. Fox was in line waiting for a cappuccino. The dude didn’t move a muscle.

BILL

Call Me Crazy But

… I’m surprised there aren’t more transvestites named “Amanda.”

BILL

By George I Think I've Got It!

NEWS ITEM - LOS ANGELES: Since the enactment of the “stand your ground” law, concealed weapons permits in Florida have tripled and now exceed 1.1 million. This has happened during a time when violent crime in the US has decreased by more than 15-percent. In Florida, violent crime is down 25-percent.

EDITORIAL: I suppose it fair to ask if the aforementioned decrease in violent crime isn’t due to the “stand your ground” law as well as the increase in concealed weapons permits.

Just asking. Let the games begin.

BILL

Confucius Say:

“Boss who reads BlackBerry while standing at urinal soon become pee-on.”

BILL

Dead Men Do Tell Tales

Lawyers in the wrongful death lawsuit for Michael Jackson today announced the unprecedented legal maneuver of subpoenaing the one person they deem most responsible for the pop star’s death: Michael Jackson.

BILL

Michael Moore Divorcing Wife After 21 Years

She must be crushed.

BILL

SPECK OF GOO

Speck of goo, speck of goo
Know these words I say are true.
Speck of goo, speck of goo
From day one how I love you.

Deep inside your mother’s womb
Hours old your life now blooms.
Male seed has hit the shore.
You’re now life forever more.

Speck of goo, speck of goo
Know these words I say are true.
Speck of goo, speck of goo
From day one how I love you.

Though booger-sized you’re from above
And so I pledge nine months of love.
I’ll yell at sluts with bullhorn cries
And pray that Roe v. Wade soon dies.

Speck of goo, speck of goo
Know these words I say are true.
Speck of goo, speck of goo
From day one how I love you.

The Lone Star state we love the best.
These men have sworn to never rest
Until the sluts we so despise
Are dead and gone and caked in flies.

Speck of goo, speck of goo
Know these words I say are true.
Speck of goo, speck of goo
From day one how I love you.

In nine months you’ll learn your worth,
Upon the day your Mom gives birth,
I’ll speak these words and make you cry:
“You’re goo no more, fuck off and die.”


William P. Bekkala
July 2013

My Sports Pet Peeve

Those professional athletes who whine endlessly about “the media,” clueless to the fact that it is media coverage of their sport, i.e. television, that has allowed them to become multi-millionaires in the first place. Moreover, in listening to many of them, I think I can state with a high degree of confidence that, were it not for their athleticism, many of them would be luck to catch on at Hot Dog on a Stick.

BILL

Because Nothing Says "Injustice!!" Like Committing an Injustice...

NEWS ITEM LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Protesters ran through Los Angeles streets Monday night, breaking windows, attacking people on sidewalks and raiding a Wal-Mart store, while others blocked a major freeway in the San Francisco Bay area in the third night of demonstrations in California over George Zimmerman's Florida acquittal in the killing of Trayvon Martin.

Hey There Georgy Girl

How to Rid Yourself of All Your Enemies (A Primer):

Step 1: Get into a fight with them.
Step 2: Shoot and kill them.

BILL

If I Were Friends With John McEnroe...

… I would constantly play practical jokes on him simply to hear him yell: “You cannot be serious!!”

BILL

Stop It, Mick, You're Killing Me!

It’s a little known fact that actor Burgess Meredith, already showing early signs of dementia, arrived one day on the “Rocky” film set wearing his old Penguin costume from the sixties TV series “Batman.” Sylvester Stallone almost peed himself laughing, crew members say.

BILL

In My Ongoing Effort to Spend Eternity in Hell

If time travel were indeed possible I would without question go back to Dallas, Texas on the morning of November 22, 1963 and warn President John F. Kennedy that he was about to die anyway so could he please settle a bet and tell me whether or not he fucked Marilyn Monroe.

BILL

Oh, Those Wacky Texans...

Texas State Representative Jodie Laubenberg recently suggested that abortions are unnecessary because, quoting her, “in the emergency room they have what’s called rape kits* where a woman can get cleaned out.” Care to guess her party affiliation?

Hey kids, are you in the mood for a punch line? This woman sits on the Public Health Committee.

BILL

*used for forensic purposes following a rape

I'm Sure The Victims of 9/11 Would Concur

When Texas State Senator Wendy Davis conducted a filibuster last week, Arlington Representative Bill Zedler called her a “terrorist.” Care to guess his party affiliation?

BILL

Animal Attraction

Yes, I must now confess that the rubes were right the whole time and that the whole marriage equality movement was but a single step on the road to marrying animals. Our true purpose having been exposed, won’t you join me as I wed my beloved Komodo dragon, Agnes, next June? Details to follow.

BILL

Forget Texas, Don't Mess With MICHIGAN!

It took three days before I spotted any litter along the streets or roads during a recent trip to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Here in Los Angeles, it takes three seconds.

BILL

Hoaxer Stuff

NEWS ITEM: More scientists from all over the world are joining the ranks of scientists endorsing human-caused global warming. By 2011, the consensus was around 98-percent.


Now the question I have for doubters is why, with agreement sitting at 98-percent and an overwhelming degree (pun intended) of climate-related physical evidence continuing to roll in, would you align yourself with the 2-percent!? I ask this mindful of the context that between 8 and 11 percent of Americans still believe Elvis is alive. (For the record, The King would be 78.)

BILL