The Fat Five

I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with my pals Dinty Moore and Bud Light. Ben and Jerry might come over, too.

BILL

Church Chat

In 1993 my parents showed me the church they attended in a small town in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.  An elderly lady directed my attention to one of the many stained glass windows, noting how one could make out the image of the Blessed Mary along one portion of the glass.  Granted, there was a tenuous resemblance to a female image housed within the fragments of color but I resisted the urge to say: “How do you know it’s not Mary’s neighbor Mildred?”

BILL

A Veterans Day Memory

Many of you don’t know this but I lost my Grandpa Willie at Normandy.  The senile old coot was staggering about the crosses and soon enough got himself so disoriented I lost him.  Me?  I was pretty hammered at the time so I guess it was as much my fault as his.  Story has a happy ending though.  With the help of a surprisingly helpful and very pretty young French woman I eventually found him.  An hour after she left though I noticed my wallet was gone.  Oh well.  Viva La France….

BILL

Herman's a Hermit

Don’t scurry for cover, Herman Cain. You’ve called your accusers liars. Now up the ante by calling them out! Aside from stating categorically that anyone who would do what you have been accused of would be majorly out of line, tell them that you are more than willing to take a lie detector test and challenge them to do the same. Don’t let them get away with what they are doing (which, by the way, is attempting to destroy and humiliate you). Don’t just deny these accusations! Put those spreading them in their place!

You stated at yesterday’s press conference that you would take a lie detector test if you had a “good reason.” What?!? Eviscerating the scandalous lies of false accusers bent on destroying your good name isn’t a good enough reason? What pray tell would be then?!?

Make them put away their banners reading: You Can’t Spell “Grope” Without GOP by exonerating yourself with a lie detector test and end this sordid carnival.

BILL

Keep Digging That Hole, Herman

Aside from changing his story so often that it could be flow-charted with a lava lamp, presidential candidate Herman Cain said he believes race is a factor in his recent sexual harassment imbroglio “but we don't have any evidence to support it." (Actual quote).

Well, I believe I am the sexiest man alive, even though I have no evidence to support it.

BILL

Wedding Bell Blues

People say marriage is work, yet nobody gets paid to be married.  Marriage is therefore a form of slavery.  Furthermore, to the extent that--  hold on, my wife wants me to take out the garbage.

BILL